Think Like the Dying for a Life That's Worth Living

I'm in the process of growing some ideas about my career and where I see my future headed.  The crazy thing is that the more I open my heart, mind and soul to the possibility of doing something that really and truly makes me happy the more I've finding possibilities opening up before me.  

Although I'm not really ready to leave my career, I know that I can't do this forever; one, because I'm due to retire at some point and am simply looking foward to a change, and two, because this field has changed so fundamentally that I don't know if I want to be part of what it's becomming.

That being said, even though change in inevitable and I'm sure to enter a different chapter in my life at some point, I'm seeking ways to start laying the foundation for that future and redirecting my time towards the things that bring me great joy and will nourish my soul.  I don't want to find myself retiring with no idea of what I want to do with myself.

I know teaching has been a calling for me and that ultimately it is the life that I wanted; but if I'm being honest it's also the life that was expected of me based on society and based on my parents' expectations.  They are great parents and wanted me to have a secure job with great benefits and a pension.  That makes sense.  And I really and truly appreciate this part of my reality.  But did it lead me to the job that I really and truly in my heart of hearts wanted?

I dunno.

In Bronnie Ware's The Top Five Regrets of The Dying she shares inspirational life lessons that most people only come to learn on their death beds.  Here they all are in a nutshell:

Live the life YOU want.

Don't work so hard.

Allow yourself to have fun.

Stay in touch with friends.

Do not be afraid to express your true emotions.

So here I am thinking about what my future may hold and how I might be able to build more joy into an education system that has made me deeply, deeply unhappy since the start of the pandemic.  Don't get me wrong, I know that change can be good but the changes that were made were forced upon us and the end result left the classroom a dead husk of what it once was.  We need time to rebuild and reconsider what we're doing and to turn our faces away from screens and back towards one antoher's beautiful faces.

Becuase of where I am in my life and the state of education I'm asking myself if I'm living the life that I want?  Why am I working so hard 18 years into being a teacher (yes I know it's because I care but it's also becuase the system was turned into a shit show).  I'm asking myself, what do I do to really have fun, both in my personal life and while I'm at work.  What do I really and truly emjoy and how can I include that regularly in my life?

With the exception of my first year of teaching, the year the entire curriculum changed (and I changed schools at the same time), the pandemic was, by far one of the most challenging times in my career.  I worked so damn hard and the worst part is that I ended each day having felt like a failure.  This is because we aren't meat to grow up behind a screen.  We don't always learn best from a video or a document or a website.  The pervasive feeling of failure was hard to swallow and lead me to a very dark point in my life.

But since then, I've focused on enjoying life and having fun.  I've focused on reconnecting with old friends (whom, by the way were all so glad to hear from me and to this day contine to chat or meet regularly).  That has been a balm to my soul.  I've always known the importance of friends but I wasn't until I had lost touch with many of them that I realized what I was truly missing.

All of this I was doing without having read Ware's book.  Pretty incredible that I was led down this path through self reflection, meditation, and therapy in my 40s!

My last effort is in regards to beign brave enough to express how I truly feel.  I'm getting better and better at this.  Specifically when it comes to discussing mental health and what I've learned through therapy.  Funny enough I've noticed that my openness to my feelings and experiences can sometimes make peopel quite uncomfortable.  But I've come to learn that this discomfort is short lived and often helps others open up.  By being brave enough to show up emotionally, you'd be surprized how it makes space and inspires other to do the same.

What can you do to live your life to the fullest?  Are you living the life you truly want for yourself?  Do you have enough fun or are you working too much?  Are you connected with your friends?  Are you expressing your emotions and sharing how you truly feel?

Please!  Don't want until it's too late!  Don't end your life looking in the rearview mirror wishing you had done things differently.  Start rethinking your life now and build it so that you can live a joyful, peaceful, and enlightened life NOW! 

If You Feed It, It Will Grow

Can you name the movie with that famous line, "If you build it, they will come"?  I can tell you that I have jokingly used that line many times not really thinking about what it actually means.  In fact, I can still see the image of the baseball field and the ghost players coming out from among the corn stalks towards the diamond.

If you know what I'm talking about then you'd know that I'm talking about Field of Dreams starring Kevin Costner.

Gratitude Turns What We Have Into Enough

Last night I had a moment of feeling completely overwhelmed with gratitude.  I was sitting at the dinner table, eating a delicious bowl of warm, home made minestrone soup (so good - thank you Williams and Sonoma for the recipe), surrounded by 3 of my favorite people on this earth, as we lingered in the final moments of the setting sun streaming through the windows.  I had a moment of realization right then and there that in spite of everything we are going through right now, we are truly lucky.

All you need to do is take a look at the news to see that there are a lot of people who have got it much worse.   There are people who have lost their jobs, people who cannot pay the bills, people without enough to eat, people who have lost their loved ones, people who are seriously ill, and people who are very much alone every single day.

And there I was sitting in the safety and warmth of my home surrounded by love and eating a nutritious and delicious meal.  I spent the day working online as best I could during these working from home times and spending time taking care of my children and home in the spare moments in between.

I'm tired, but I know that I am lucky, I thought.

There are so many people suffering out there in the world today.  I know my life is not perfect but my goodness, I can see that I've got it good.

It's focusing on gratitude that will get me through the stress of this pandemic.

So this post in not about a book that I read but about a Ted Talk that was shared with me.  I have to thank my dear sister for sending it my way.  I have already shared it with many of my friends and family and now I wish to share it with you because it really made me remember what I am grateful for. 

When we turn to gratitude we find that we can turn what we have into enough. 

Watch and enjoy my dear readers...

https://www.ted.com/talks/louie_schwartzberg_nature_beauty_gratitude?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

A Literal City of Ghosts

How funny is it that I popped in the audio version of Victoria's Schwab's City of Ghosts while completing some household tasks during these housebound times?  No, really.  I found myself reading City of Ghosts while going for a drive for some essential groceries looking out into my neighborhood that has become a veritable city of ghosts in and of itself.

That being said, I am truly thankful that so many people in my community are staying home as was directed by the government.  But during those few times when I venture out, whether it be for some exercise or for some groceries, I find myself walking through a ghost town.  There is hardly anyone out, and if they are we are at least 6 feet apart.  In addition, I've tried greeting my neighbors with a friendly "Good Morning!" or a simple "Hello!" while going for a neighborhood walk with my kids only to be ignored by them time and time again.

I have to admit that all of this is rather unsettling.

It's almost like we've all become ghosts that cannot see one another.

In Schwab's book City of Ghosts, that is exactly what happens when Cassidy's best friend Jacob tries to communicate with others.  Apart from Cassidy, no one else sees or hears Jacob because it just so happens that Jacob is indeed a ghost.

Schwab's book was a nice read that brings you into a world where humans and ghosts are connected through "the veil".  Although it's meant for younger readers I'll be recommending this book for my daughters to read over the next few weeks.  The cool thing about this book is that Cassidy and Jacob have the capacity to walk in and out of the afterlife through "the veil", allowing them to encounter a number of ghosts who either are stuck in the "in between" and cannot move on, or choose to stick around for their own varied reasons.

Kinda cool, no?  I think so anyway, especial because here I am again, reading yet another book that has a bizarre way of connecting with what's actually going on in my life right now.

Let me explain...

Not only am I busy working away at this blog during these uncertain times, I'm also working away at suddenly teaching all of my classes from a distance (something I've never done before and I'm not entirely sure is going to be 100% effective for students - but that's another story all together).

As for the rest of my time at home during this pandemic I too have been visited by ghosts - well kind of...

You see, with all this time at home what is one to do?  As for me, I'm not one for watching too much TV or movies.  I prefer keeping busy in a way that makes me feel productive.  But there's only so much laundry, cooking, and cleaning that a gal can handle!  Do you feel me?  So, in these quiet times at home I've found myself revisiting old hobbies that in recent years I've not had the time to participate in.

I've been knitting, sewing, planting, trying new (and old) recipes and simply finding as many ways as possible to be creative and to stretch our family resources as much as possible. 

And as I've revisited these old hobbies I've been truly enjoying myself.  I'd forgotten how much pleasure I derive from them and how relaxing I find it.  But most surprisingly, while doing this I've been visited by the spirit of my grandmother who introduced me to so many of the old hobbies that I'm now revising.

As I sit at the sewing machine or spend time rolling up balls of yarn that have kept silent in the bin downstairs patiently waiting for me, I've been transported to another time and place altogether.  I've had vivid flashbacks of old times growing up at home, sitting next to my grandmother in her room while she sews.  I can hear the buzz of the machine working frantically and see it so clearly even as I sit here typing.  One of the most vivid visions is the black and white gingham housecoat she would wear, covered in threads from her sewing, and the fuzzy tan slippers that she wore religiously to keep her feet toasty in this frigid country.

As distant as I am from my family and friends right now, this quiet time at home has given me a chance to reconnect with my grandmother.  I cannot say that I've seen her ghost like Cassidy sees Jacob's ghost, but I'm certainly being visited by her spirit.

Although this house bound time has come with its costs, I have to admit that I'm so grateful for the opportunity to get quiet enough to reconnect to my past.  To feel my grandmother's presence once again.

Even better, I've been passing on these skills to my daughters as they stay home with me day after day.  That makes me feel like my grandmother's spirit is living on through them.  What a wonderful gift.

Even if the world out there seems like a literal city of ghosts the reality is that we are never alone.  You simply need to make the most of these challenging times and reconnect to that which has been lost or forgotten.

Regardless of whomever and whatever are you reconnecting with while spending quiet time at home, I hope that it has been keeping you good company. 

More Than Just a Label, More Than Just a Dreamer

There are times in my life when I ask myself, do I really know who I am?  I mean seriously, how much of my self concept is shaped by who I truly know myself to be, versus who I think I am?

Do I have a true self?

Or, am I merely a reflection of who I think others think I am?

In 2015 when I suffered a concussion that took forever to go away I had plenty of time to contemplate life as I recovered.  As I lay there in a dark and quiet room trying to unscramble my concussed brain, I started to ask myself some deep questions.  I started to examine my life.

Am I where I want to be?  Am I who I wish to be?  Is my life a reflection of who I am, my talents and my values?  Or am I merely living a reflection of what I believe is expected of me?

Have you ever wondered about this?  Does this resonate with you?

In See Me by Nicholas Sparks both the main characters end up living a life that is in line with what they thought others expected from them.  It's only when they finally let go of their pasts and the expectations of others that they finally break free.  They are then able to tap into their true selves and talents.  It is only then that they discover who they really are.

When I read this book it made me wonder in what ways I have shaped my life around others peoples' expectations and labels.  I wondered if I have shaped my life the way that I have simply because I believed it was what was expected of me.

Time for a little story...

Growing up I was considered the black sheep of my nuclear family.  Although I knew it wasn't really true, I took that label to heart thinking that there was something inherently "other" about me simply because the path I took, the dreams I had, and some of the choices I had made were not consistent with what others had in mind for me.  Honestly, I know I'm no black sheep; perhaps I'm a bit of a shade of grey, but certainly I'm no black sheep!

Perhaps this label stemmed from the fact that I'm a pretty creative person.  In fact, sometimes I'm a bit of a dreamer.  You'll catch me exclaiming "I have a vision!" and then describe some wild plan for something that I envision to be cool, beautiful, special, or unique.  I am creative and imaginative and I tend to follow my gut knowing that things can often work out even without a perfect plan.  Sometimes my imagination and creativity can result in amazing things and sometimes my dreams fizzle and die.

I know that sometimes my dreams are a bit wack and that others may not get them.  I also get that some of my ideas go nowhere.  In truth, creativity is easier to dream up than to execute and not everyone gets my vision.

Most recently I've had to let go of a dream that I've held deep in my heart.  A vision that I've had for me and my family. 

Most people don't know that I've always dreamed of doing a big family trip to Portugal to reunite the family that my parents created here in Canada with the family that they had to leave behind when they immigrated from Portugal.  This year, being the year of my parent's 50th anniversary was the year I envisioned to be the year for this dream to finally come true.

I mean honestly, no one is getting any younger here and what better reason to make this dream come true than to do it in honor of my parent's 50 year long marriage?

However, my dream will not become a reality.  This is my dream and and mine alone.  My mother is not interested. Her dream for commemorating her 50th is fundamentally different and doesn't include a big trip.

If I'm being 100% honest I get it.  It's her anniversary not mine.  Yet I can't help but feel sad because to me a family trip like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Think about it...

Wouldn't it be amazing to go back to the chapel where my parents got married 50 years ago and recreate that special moment when they first said "I do"?  Wouldn't it be grand to go back to the banquet hall where they had their reception and take a photo in the same exact place where they ceremoniously cut their cake - this time surrounded by their children, sons in law and grand daughters?

Unfortunately, my mother's dream for her 50th does not include any of that.  The truth is my mother and I think differently.  We always have.  And although I respect her choice to celebrate in a way that is in line with her vision and values, I cannot help but feel a loss.  A loss for this dream which first began in my teenage years.  A loss for an opportunity which I feel we will never again have.  A loss for having a vision that didn't inspire others.

This story is a perfect example of my dreamer like tendancy.  I suppose it's the "black sheep" in me that dreams up these scheme.  It also serves as a reminder of the many times that I was called "a dreamer" with a slight disapproving yet amused shake of the head.  I can hear my mother's voice echo through my past saying, "only you Raquel, would come up with an idea like that".

That label of being an unrealistic dreamer is one that I still carry around with me.

And because of that label I have spent years considering myself a dreamer but no a doer.  I never saw myself as actually doing anything with my dreams.  Before I started my personal journey in 2015 to make my life a juicy, joyful and awesome existence, I found myself constantly dreaming of what my life could be like and found myself wishing for more.  Wishing for “one day”.

I could imagine my life differently but I didn't think that I could actually do it.

Has this ever happened to you?

The problem with labels is that they tend to stick.  So in by being called a dreamer I thought that's all I'd ever be.  Someone with great imagination and creativity that just dreamed things up but never made anything actually happen.  Now I know that I'm much more than that.

I know my dreams are not anyone else's and that I cannot make anyone do anything that they're not wanting to do.  I know that shouldn't stop me from continuing to be creative.  Because in my visions are great ideas that could inspire others.  This blog is one of those dreams that my family might say is nuts but who knows - there must be something good that will come of it, no?

I want to live my life achieving and fulfilling my dreams.  I don't want to just have creative ideas that fizzle and die.  I want to live a creative life.

I want to look at my life and be able to say that today is that day that I am living for me.  This life is the life that I want.  Today is the day that I am living my life as I envision it; not a life that lies in the confines of the labels that others choose to give me.

I am more than just a dreamer.  I am a dreamer who is dreaming up and creating an inspiring life that will leave a mark on this world.

Black sheep or not I'm just going to go ahead and do it.  I will not wait for "one day" for it to happen.  Because I honestly believe that one day is today.

Trust Your Path and Keep Going with No Regrets

Ok folks, hold on.  I know there are some haters out there.  Yes, this next post is about a romance, not just any romance, a North Carolina, set by the ocean, during summer vacation, walks on the beach, love at first sight, improbable lovers, impossible odds, love letters, unexpected illness and yes folks, it all working out in the end (by the grace of God), Nicholas Sparks romance.

Did you barf a bit in your mouth?  Well if you did, I'm sorry.  That was not my plan.  But if you're still interested, please, read on.

There is something about Nicholas Sparks that people either love or hate.  His books tend to follow a pattern that brings the reader to a magical place of what might have been.  I've read a number of his books and Every Breath and A Walk to Remember are just two.  What is it about the love story that beats all odds?  I mean, any intelligent adult who's lived half a life can tell you it's not all roses.  So why should we buy into Sparks' cheesy romantic fantasy land?

Here's what I think: his stories are rooted in the common narrative of "what if"?  What if your first love really was your true love?  What if you made a bad choice and walked away from the best thing that ever happened to you?  What if you were never meant to leave that person after all? What if you were really meant to take the path less traveled?

Walking through the world Sparks creates in his novels makes us call into mind those first romances, first loves, first kisses, and first mistakes.  I know it sounds cheesy because honestly, I can give you a million reasons why that first love of mine was never going to work out (but if I'm going to be totally honest here, I sometime secretly wonder "what if...").

Although rooted in real life experiences so much about Sparks novels feel surreal and unrealistic.  I mean, how likely is it to meet a long lost love by leaving a letter 20 years late in a random mailbox called "Kindred Spirit" at the beach in North Carolina?

Come on.  Even I, a dreamer and believer in love, find it hard to believe.

But here's the thing; I think the reason why we are drawn to these kind of stories is because we are giving ourselves permission to step into something surreal yet possible.  While we are there we find bits and pieces of our own ordinary lives hidden in the details.

On another level, I think Sparks' romances are a safe way to revisit moments from our past that give us joy yet leave us feeling unsatisfied.  For me it's kind of like playing Candy Crush.  I find myself drawn to this stupid game, and to some extent I enjoy finding the hidden pufflers, beating cupcake Carls' sorry ass, or making 7 monklings before my moves run out, yet an hour will pass by and I'll find myself left feeling dissatisfied.  I recognize these feelings but I keep going back for more. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm addicted to the sugar rush?!

How many aspects of our lives give us some level of satisfaction yet leave us longing for more?

How often have you found yourself making a choice that's right in the moment but wrong in the long run?  How many times do you face the ripple effect of your choices and wonder how it all could have been different?  Or perhaps you may not want to change anything about your life but you secretly wonder how it all would have worked out if you had a second go?

What if you had 9 lives?  Would we still have regrets if we had unlimited chances for a do-over?

I think no matter what we do we will always find ourselves having regrets.

Always.

Because until you are happy and accept what you've got, you will always be looking for that path that you did not take.

Instead of looking back in regret, make the most of where life has taken you and the path you chose.

Because with every breath we have the opportunity to see life as full and fulfilling if only we decide to remember that path that we walked without doubting ourselves.

Trust your path and keep going with no regrets.

I promise you will find your way.