There are times in my life when I ask myself, do I really know who I am? I mean seriously, how much of my self concept is shaped by who I truly know myself to be, versus who I think I am?
Do I have a true self?
Or, am I merely a reflection of who I think others think I am?
In 2015 when I suffered a concussion that took forever to go away I had plenty of time to contemplate life as I recovered. As I lay there in a dark and quiet room trying to unscramble my concussed brain, I started to ask myself some deep questions. I started to examine my life.
Am I where I want to be? Am I who I wish to be? Is my life a reflection of who I am, my talents and my values? Or am I merely living a reflection of what I believe is expected of me?
Have you ever wondered about this? Does this resonate with you?
In See Me by Nicholas Sparks both the main characters end up living a life that is in line with what they thought others expected from them. It's only when they finally let go of their pasts and the expectations of others that they finally break free. They are then able to tap into their true selves and talents. It is only then that they discover who they really are.
When I read this book it made me wonder in what ways I have shaped my life around others peoples' expectations and labels. I wondered if I have shaped my life the way that I have simply because I believed it was what was expected of me.
Time for a little story...
Growing up I was considered the black sheep of my nuclear family. Although I knew it wasn't really true, I took that label to heart thinking that there was something inherently "other" about me simply because the path I took, the dreams I had, and some of the choices I had made were not consistent with what others had in mind for me. Honestly, I know I'm no black sheep; perhaps I'm a bit of a shade of grey, but certainly I'm no black sheep!
Perhaps this label stemmed from the fact that I'm a pretty creative person. In fact, sometimes I'm a bit of a dreamer. You'll catch me exclaiming "I have a vision!" and then describe some wild plan for something that I envision to be cool, beautiful, special, or unique. I am creative and imaginative and I tend to follow my gut knowing that things can often work out even without a perfect plan. Sometimes my imagination and creativity can result in amazing things and sometimes my dreams fizzle and die.
I know that sometimes my dreams are a bit wack and that others may not get them. I also get that some of my ideas go nowhere. In truth, creativity is easier to dream up than to execute and not everyone gets my vision.
Most recently I've had to let go of a dream that I've held deep in my heart. A vision that I've had for me and my family.
Most people don't know that I've always dreamed of doing a big family trip to Portugal to reunite the family that my parents created here in Canada with the family that they had to leave behind when they immigrated from Portugal. This year, being the year of my parent's 50th anniversary was the year I envisioned to be the year for this dream to finally come true.
I mean honestly, no one is getting any younger here and what better reason to make this dream come true than to do it in honor of my parent's 50 year long marriage?
However, my dream will not become a reality. This is my dream and and mine alone. My mother is not interested. Her dream for commemorating her 50th is fundamentally different and doesn't include a big trip.
If I'm being 100% honest I get it. It's her anniversary not mine. Yet I can't help but feel sad because to me a family trip like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Think about it...
Wouldn't it be amazing to go back to the chapel where my parents got married 50 years ago and recreate that special moment when they first said "I do"? Wouldn't it be grand to go back to the banquet hall where they had their reception and take a photo in the same exact place where they ceremoniously cut their cake - this time surrounded by their children, sons in law and grand daughters?
Unfortunately, my mother's dream for her 50th does not include any of that. The truth is my mother and I think differently. We always have. And although I respect her choice to celebrate in a way that is in line with her vision and values, I cannot help but feel a loss. A loss for this dream which first began in my teenage years. A loss for an opportunity which I feel we will never again have. A loss for having a vision that didn't inspire others.
This story is a perfect example of my dreamer like tendancy. I suppose it's the "black sheep" in me that dreams up these scheme. It also serves as a reminder of the many times that I was called "a dreamer" with a slight disapproving yet amused shake of the head. I can hear my mother's voice echo through my past saying, "only you Raquel, would come up with an idea like that".
That label of being an unrealistic dreamer is one that I still carry around with me.
And because of that label I have spent years considering myself a dreamer but no a doer. I never saw myself as actually doing anything with my dreams. Before I started my personal journey in 2015 to make my life a juicy, joyful and awesome existence, I found myself constantly dreaming of what my life could be like and found myself wishing for more. Wishing for “one day”.
I could imagine my life differently but I didn't think that I could actually do it.
Has this ever happened to you?
The problem with labels is that they tend to stick. So in by being called a dreamer I thought that's all I'd ever be. Someone with great imagination and creativity that just dreamed things up but never made anything actually happen. Now I know that I'm much more than that.
I know my dreams are not anyone else's and that I cannot make anyone do anything that they're not wanting to do. I know that shouldn't stop me from continuing to be creative. Because in my visions are great ideas that could inspire others. This blog is one of those dreams that my family might say is nuts but who knows - there must be something good that will come of it, no?
I want to live my life achieving and fulfilling my dreams. I don't want to just have creative ideas that fizzle and die. I want to live a creative life.
I want to look at my life and be able to say that today is that day that I am living for me. This life is the life that I want. Today is the day that I am living my life as I envision it; not a life that lies in the confines of the labels that others choose to give me.
I am more than just a dreamer. I am a dreamer who is dreaming up and creating an inspiring life that will leave a mark on this world.
Black sheep or not I'm just going to go ahead and do it. I will not wait for "one day" for it to happen. Because I honestly believe that one day is today.
No comments:
Post a Comment