Too Much of Not Enough

 You have loved me since before I even existed

You have nurtured me with all of your heart

And provided for me in every way that you knew how

You saw yourself reflected in the bright blue of our eyes

The rosiness of our matching cheeks

I am a reflection of you in a frosted mirror

I hide under the cape of your care and the security of your embrace

Yet I feel unseen and misunderstood

I exist as a whirl of emotions that sometimes feels like too much

My ways are not fitting inside your box of logic and reason

My creativity roars and longs for an outlet 

I live in the shadow of your dreams 

The misunderstood black sheep of the family 

Carving my own path being my only sin 

I have spent countless times wondering if I’m good enough 

Not seeing my own value and unique abilities

I have spent years trying to measure up 

The imaginary meter stick illuding me at every turn 

Trying to achieve the thing that will make me acceptable

Trying to fit into that box of the ordinary

Rather than allow myself to be extraordinary

But I don’t blame you because you are who you are 

We all have our limits

We all have our own worldview

We all have our own twisted history

But from my perspective 

I’ve experienced a lifetime of being dearly loved

But only in parts

Only the bits and pieces that make sense to you

For me to be able to move on, I need to acknowledge our truth

To see you and I exactly as we are

Fully and finally letting go of what I never actually had

Before I am forced to let you go forever as I know that I eventually will

That day will forever come sooner than I want

I have had to mourn the loss of the relationship I wish we had

The one where I could go to you to say any thing

Do anything

Be anything 

Believe me when I say that I have tried to curate what we could be for so many years 

only to face the stubborn wall that has keept us apart

I am simultaneously exactly who you’d like me to be 

And everything you can’t understand

I will always feel like not enough and yet too much

I will always be your daughter

And you will always be the mother that I love in all the wrong ways

Think Like the Dying for a Life That's Worth Living

I'm in the process of growing some ideas about my career and where I see my future headed.  The crazy thing is that the more I open my heart, mind and soul to the possibility of doing something that really and truly makes me happy the more I've finding possibilities opening up before me.  

Although I'm not really ready to leave my career, I know that I can't do this forever; one, because I'm due to retire at some point and am simply looking foward to a change, and two, because this field has changed so fundamentally that I don't know if I want to be part of what it's becomming.

That being said, even though change in inevitable and I'm sure to enter a different chapter in my life at some point, I'm seeking ways to start laying the foundation for that future and redirecting my time towards the things that bring me great joy and will nourish my soul.  I don't want to find myself retiring with no idea of what I want to do with myself.

I know teaching has been a calling for me and that ultimately it is the life that I wanted; but if I'm being honest it's also the life that was expected of me based on society and based on my parents' expectations.  They are great parents and wanted me to have a secure job with great benefits and a pension.  That makes sense.  And I really and truly appreciate this part of my reality.  But did it lead me to the job that I really and truly in my heart of hearts wanted?

I dunno.

In Bronnie Ware's The Top Five Regrets of The Dying she shares inspirational life lessons that most people only come to learn on their death beds.  Here they all are in a nutshell:

Live the life YOU want.

Don't work so hard.

Allow yourself to have fun.

Stay in touch with friends.

Do not be afraid to express your true emotions.

So here I am thinking about what my future may hold and how I might be able to build more joy into an education system that has made me deeply, deeply unhappy since the start of the pandemic.  Don't get me wrong, I know that change can be good but the changes that were made were forced upon us and the end result left the classroom a dead husk of what it once was.  We need time to rebuild and reconsider what we're doing and to turn our faces away from screens and back towards one antoher's beautiful faces.

Becuase of where I am in my life and the state of education I'm asking myself if I'm living the life that I want?  Why am I working so hard 18 years into being a teacher (yes I know it's because I care but it's also becuase the system was turned into a shit show).  I'm asking myself, what do I do to really have fun, both in my personal life and while I'm at work.  What do I really and truly emjoy and how can I include that regularly in my life?

With the exception of my first year of teaching, the year the entire curriculum changed (and I changed schools at the same time), the pandemic was, by far one of the most challenging times in my career.  I worked so damn hard and the worst part is that I ended each day having felt like a failure.  This is because we aren't meat to grow up behind a screen.  We don't always learn best from a video or a document or a website.  The pervasive feeling of failure was hard to swallow and lead me to a very dark point in my life.

But since then, I've focused on enjoying life and having fun.  I've focused on reconnecting with old friends (whom, by the way were all so glad to hear from me and to this day contine to chat or meet regularly).  That has been a balm to my soul.  I've always known the importance of friends but I wasn't until I had lost touch with many of them that I realized what I was truly missing.

All of this I was doing without having read Ware's book.  Pretty incredible that I was led down this path through self reflection, meditation, and therapy in my 40s!

My last effort is in regards to beign brave enough to express how I truly feel.  I'm getting better and better at this.  Specifically when it comes to discussing mental health and what I've learned through therapy.  Funny enough I've noticed that my openness to my feelings and experiences can sometimes make peopel quite uncomfortable.  But I've come to learn that this discomfort is short lived and often helps others open up.  By being brave enough to show up emotionally, you'd be surprized how it makes space and inspires other to do the same.

What can you do to live your life to the fullest?  Are you living the life you truly want for yourself?  Do you have enough fun or are you working too much?  Are you connected with your friends?  Are you expressing your emotions and sharing how you truly feel?

Please!  Don't want until it's too late!  Don't end your life looking in the rearview mirror wishing you had done things differently.  Start rethinking your life now and build it so that you can live a joyful, peaceful, and enlightened life NOW! 

If Music Be The Words Of Love, Play On

This was shared with me earlier today.  I found it spoke to my heart and soul.  It's a little light for all of us who have felt a little bit too much darkness in the face of the current pandemic.  Enjoy and please feel free to share and comment.

LOCKDOWN 

By: Richard Hendrick

Yes, there is fear.
Yes, there is isolation.
Yes, there is panic buying.
Yes, there is sickness.
Yes, there is even death.

But,

They say that in Wuhan, after so many years of noise
You can hear the birds again.
They say that after just a few weeks of quiet the sky is no longer thick with fumes.
But blue and gray and clear.
They say that in the streets of Assisi people are singing to each other across the empty squares, keeping their windows open so that those who are alone may hear the sounds of family around them.
They say that a hotel in the West of Ireland is offering free meals and delivery to the housebound.
Today a young woman I know is busy spreading fliers with her number throughout the neighborhood so that the elders may haves someone to call on.
Today people are preparing to welcome and shelter the homeless, the sick, the weary.

All over the world, people are slowing down and reflecting.
All over the world people are looking at their neighbors in a new way.
All over the world, people are waking up to a new reality to how big we really are.
To how little control we really have.
To what really matters.
To Love.

So, we remember that yes, there is fear. But there does not have to be hate.
Yes, there is isolation. But there does not have to be loneliness.
Yes, there is panic buying. But there dos not have to be meanness.
Yes, there is sickness. But there does not have to be disease of the soul.
Yes, there is even death. But there can always be a rebirth of love.

Wake to the choices you make as to how to live now.

Today, breathe. 

Listen behind the factory noises of your panic.

The birds are singing again.
The sky is clearing.
Spring is coming.
And we are always encompassed by Love.

Open the windows of your soul and though you may not be able to touch across the empty square, Sing.

Remove the Box; Infinite Possibilities

At the beginning of 2019 I read Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert.  Reading this book happened to be a happy accident.  My eldest daughter who was 10 at the time, had picked it up at the local Indigo book store.  Being the not so attentive kid that she can sometimes be, she didn't realize that Big Magic wasn't a kids' book.  So, I took it off her hands and gave it a go.  And boy was I glad that I did that.  Big Magic was great.  It really spoke to me because it addressed something that I have been unknowingly carrying around for a long time.  Something that had be dragging me down and boxing me in.

This book made me realize that I had been secretly carrying fear like a the latest designer handbag.  And even worse, I didn't know that I was carrying it.  You see, fear is cunning; fear was disguised as safety, sensibility and caution all in the name of self-preservation.

Does this sound familiar to you?

It does to me.

Now, if you know me at all you'd likely know that I'm not a big fan of horror films or suspense novels, nor am I thrilled by big roller coasters or sharks, or anything that could be deemed scary or dangerous.  I'm the sensitive type.  If it's going to  scare the crap out of me, no thanks, I'll pass.

To be honest, even though I know I'm the cautious type I'm not actually ashamed of it.  That being said, I have found myself wishing I were more adventurous; but I honestly I didn't know how to make that change.  That was until Big Magic came into my life. 

In this book Gilbert writes about life being a journey.  Joining you on that journey are many emotions.  And fear is most definitely one of them.  Especially when we are challenging ourselves to do something that scares us.  But Gilbert points something out about fear that made a lot a sense to me.

She taught me that fear is always going to be on the journey.  But you need to tell it where it gets to sit in the car.  You are in the driver's seat and you are in charge.  You get to set the rules for the trip.  Fear is allowed to come along.  Fear will never want to miss out on a opportunity.  But fear will be in the back seat.  Fear is never allowed to take the wheel, or be in charge of the map, or the music, or even crack open the window.

Silent and motionless in the back is where fear needs to reside on your life's journey.

Fear may join you on the ride but it is NOT allowed to make any decisions for your journey.

This totally spoke to me.

Like I said, I was carrying fear around like a fancy designer bag not realizing that in doing so I had brought fear into the driver's seat.  I didn't even know it was telling me where to go!

Fast forward one year and I've just finished reading City of Girls also by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I picked this book up not even remembering Big Magic or putting two and two together that it was by the same author.  Sometimes I pick up books for no good reason.  And in this case, I liked the cover because I thought it was pretty (no judgement please).

In this book Gilbert again had a lesson to teach me about fear.  I really enjoyed City of Girls and what I loved about it other than the endearing characters, and the story of a women daring to carve her own path in life contrary to what society wanted from her, is the lesson that when we try to take the safe path, when let fear tell us what to do, we loose our freedom.

How many times have you lost your freedom because fear took the driver's seat and said:

Don't say too much.
Don't talk too loud.
Don't push the boundaries.
Don't defy social norms.
Don't dress that way.
Don't act that way.
Don't eat that.
Don't do that.
Don't...
Don't -
Don't.

I'd like to live a life free from fear.  I'd like to create a life where I'm in the driver's seat free to take my journey wherever it may lead.  So I'm telling fear to take a back seat.

I know that on the other side of things that scare me are life's greatest pleasures. I'm ready to be scared. I'm ready to face life with fear sitting silently in the back seat.

I'm ready to remove the box that fear creates for me to uncover infinite possibilities.