Think Like the Dying for a Life That's Worth Living

I'm in the process of growing some ideas about my career and where I see my future headed.  The crazy thing is that the more I open my heart, mind and soul to the possibility of doing something that really and truly makes me happy the more I've finding possibilities opening up before me.  

Although I'm not really ready to leave my career, I know that I can't do this forever; one, because I'm due to retire at some point and am simply looking foward to a change, and two, because this field has changed so fundamentally that I don't know if I want to be part of what it's becomming.

That being said, even though change in inevitable and I'm sure to enter a different chapter in my life at some point, I'm seeking ways to start laying the foundation for that future and redirecting my time towards the things that bring me great joy and will nourish my soul.  I don't want to find myself retiring with no idea of what I want to do with myself.

I know teaching has been a calling for me and that ultimately it is the life that I wanted; but if I'm being honest it's also the life that was expected of me based on society and based on my parents' expectations.  They are great parents and wanted me to have a secure job with great benefits and a pension.  That makes sense.  And I really and truly appreciate this part of my reality.  But did it lead me to the job that I really and truly in my heart of hearts wanted?

I dunno.

In Bronnie Ware's The Top Five Regrets of The Dying she shares inspirational life lessons that most people only come to learn on their death beds.  Here they all are in a nutshell:

Live the life YOU want.

Don't work so hard.

Allow yourself to have fun.

Stay in touch with friends.

Do not be afraid to express your true emotions.

So here I am thinking about what my future may hold and how I might be able to build more joy into an education system that has made me deeply, deeply unhappy since the start of the pandemic.  Don't get me wrong, I know that change can be good but the changes that were made were forced upon us and the end result left the classroom a dead husk of what it once was.  We need time to rebuild and reconsider what we're doing and to turn our faces away from screens and back towards one antoher's beautiful faces.

Becuase of where I am in my life and the state of education I'm asking myself if I'm living the life that I want?  Why am I working so hard 18 years into being a teacher (yes I know it's because I care but it's also becuase the system was turned into a shit show).  I'm asking myself, what do I do to really have fun, both in my personal life and while I'm at work.  What do I really and truly emjoy and how can I include that regularly in my life?

With the exception of my first year of teaching, the year the entire curriculum changed (and I changed schools at the same time), the pandemic was, by far one of the most challenging times in my career.  I worked so damn hard and the worst part is that I ended each day having felt like a failure.  This is because we aren't meat to grow up behind a screen.  We don't always learn best from a video or a document or a website.  The pervasive feeling of failure was hard to swallow and lead me to a very dark point in my life.

But since then, I've focused on enjoying life and having fun.  I've focused on reconnecting with old friends (whom, by the way were all so glad to hear from me and to this day contine to chat or meet regularly).  That has been a balm to my soul.  I've always known the importance of friends but I wasn't until I had lost touch with many of them that I realized what I was truly missing.

All of this I was doing without having read Ware's book.  Pretty incredible that I was led down this path through self reflection, meditation, and therapy in my 40s!

My last effort is in regards to beign brave enough to express how I truly feel.  I'm getting better and better at this.  Specifically when it comes to discussing mental health and what I've learned through therapy.  Funny enough I've noticed that my openness to my feelings and experiences can sometimes make peopel quite uncomfortable.  But I've come to learn that this discomfort is short lived and often helps others open up.  By being brave enough to show up emotionally, you'd be surprized how it makes space and inspires other to do the same.

What can you do to live your life to the fullest?  Are you living the life you truly want for yourself?  Do you have enough fun or are you working too much?  Are you connected with your friends?  Are you expressing your emotions and sharing how you truly feel?

Please!  Don't want until it's too late!  Don't end your life looking in the rearview mirror wishing you had done things differently.  Start rethinking your life now and build it so that you can live a joyful, peaceful, and enlightened life NOW! 

Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

I began this post quite some time ago after reading Ogre Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine.  I made a few notes about the book but then wasn't able to write about it for a couple of reasons.  I hate to blame the pandemic because I feel like I've been blaming the pandemic for a lot of things lately, but the truth is the pandemic really did shake things up for me.  

Firstly, work suddenly became highly computer based which led to me clocking an insane number of hours sitting in front of the computer.  And as a result I learned that I am not built for a desk job!  After sitting chained to my desk all day the thought of sitting in front of the computer to write this blog was something I simply couldn't stomach.  Secondly, my mind was so ensnared in the worry and anxiety of the pandemic that not only did I read less, but day by day I felt that I had less and less to contribute in terms of meaningful communications and connections between the books I was reading and the world around me.  The world was turned upside down and I didn't recognize the life I was living nor could I even recognize who I had become while living it it.  

I get that we did what we had to do in order to keep ourselves and one another safe but in doing so my world became unrecognizable to me and as a result I became unrecognizable to myself.  Nearly all of the things that inspired me and brought me the greatest joy slowly disappeared and the woman I was so proud to be quietly eroded away.  

The impact social isolation had on me did not hit home until too late into the process. I suspect my focus on fear and anxiety during the pandemic blinded me from that.

As a result my willing letting go of so many things that made me who I am over 2020 and 2021 unwittingly transformed me without my knowledge.  I became someone I quite literally didn't recognize in the mirror and honestly, I had no idea how I got there. 

This idea of transformation is exactly what Levine's Ogre Enchanted is about.  Evie is transformed into an Ogre against her will and she is forced to navigate the world as a hideous monstrous best.  The novel points out that we can exist on two sides and that we need to accept ourselves for who we are.  That we need to not only love ourselves but love others as well regardless of circumstances.

How perfectly timed the insights this book are as I reflect on my not so positive pandemic transformation.  Here I am now reflecting on who I was, who I became and who I want to be.  

The strange thing is that I've been pitting my pre-pandemic self up against the post pandemic self thinking they are two different versions of me.  But the truth is that they are simply two side of the same coin.  

One side is the self confident, passionate, positive and outgoing productive go getter who is surrounded by family, friends, music, culture, and creativity and the other side is the introspective, introverted, self-reflective, self-critical, anxious and self doubting version of me that has grown out of too much social isolation.

I often think that both versions of me can't exist at the same time.  But the truth is that they can and they are just two sides of the same old me.  

At first this freaked me out because this makes we wonder who I really am?  

Can I be more than one thing at the same time?  

I supposed I can!

Just like a diamond, we are all multifaceted.  And that is what makes us beautiful. So if ever you look in the mirror and feel like you're lost or that you don't recognize who you've become, remember that you are just you and that this is just one part of who you really are.  No one thing or version of yourself  can fully define you.

And when the pressure is on and life has got you down remember that diamonds are simply carbon put under pressure.  It's the pressure that brings out the diamond's strength, luster and beauty.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, then girl (or whomever you are), be your own best friend and love yourself and all the parts of you that are brilliant, radiant and beautiful.

Tell Me What You Read and I'll Tell you Who You Want To Be

There have been countless times in my life when I have curled up into a cozy corner of my house, cuddled up with a comfy blanket, a warm tea by my side with my toes tucked up under me to get lost in a book.  It wasn't until I read Leah Price's What We Talk About When We Talk About Books that I realized that I wasn't getting lost, in fact I was being found.

If you're thinking of reading this book what you need to know is that it is a book about the history of books and the future of reading.  Price is a professor and the book has some very mixed reviews.  Did I love it in its entirety?  No.  But am I glad I read it?  Yes.  There were so many aspects of it that I loved about this book as a bonafide book lover.  So if you're like me, you might want to give it a spin.

To read this book is to discover the history of reading and the history of the book itself (not literature).  Price explains how reading is not a dying art but rather an everlasting and ever changing enterprise.  Although the book is a bit academic it is at the same time accessible.  It is a bit long winded and sometime vague.  But if you're looking to gain a better understanding of the history (and future) of books then this is the book for you.

One of my biggest takeaways from reading this book was regarding my relationship with books. 

I always saw books as special and sacred things that I enjoyed privately but this book taught me that books were one of the first mass-produced and mass-marketed objects in history; if that doesn't take away from the specialness of books, then I don't know what would.  That being said, even though books are mass produced and mass-marketed, each one is totally different because as people read, books change.  No two readings are ever the same.

But one of the most moving realizations from this book is how books have historically been linked to illness and disease.

Price taught me that whether books are considered the cause or the cure for illness depends on what era you're in.  As a literature lover, I never overtly thought about books from a medical perspective however I've always known that for me, books are my great healers; they are my therapy.  As Price points out, reading can be be described as bibliotherapy. 

Just as one can diagnose someone based on what medications they take, you can look at what one reads and know a thing or two about who they are and who they want to be.

I've always know that I turn to books as a form of self-help and healing.  But I never considered that my personality and values could be diagnosed by what I read. 

Now I'm wondering about who I am. 

If I look back at what I've read over the years, what does that say about me?  What am I searching for?  Who do I want to become?

When I look back on my reading lists from the past few years of my personal reading challenge here's a run down about what I discovered:


- I want to be at peace with every aspect of my life
- I want to be able to accept myself and forgive myself for my imperfections
- I want to practice more creativity in my life
- I want to find the light in the darkness
- I want to be a better person for the people around me
- I want to better understand what happened during the Holocaust
- I want to help others become their best selves by bringing out the best in me

I wonder, if you were to go back over the books you've read recently, what they would say about you?  Are you becoming the person you want to be or are you just drowning in a sea of books?

The Cream Always Rises (But Turds Also Float)

How many of you have found yourself in an unlikely shape because of the pressures from work, home, family, friends, or society?  How many of you feel unrecognizable as you struggle to make it through the day?

I know I have.

One very distinct memory comes to mind when I think about pressure and how it changed me.

It was in 2013 when I changed work locations (not entirely because I wanted to) and I found myself in a new building, with new colleagues, new courses to teach, new curriculum to figure out and no department members that knew the school, students or staff.  Both the department and the curriculum had been wiped clean like a blank slate and I found myself utterly alone and drowning the the amount of work that it takes to run a department pretty much alone and from scratch.

Looking back now, I realize that it was the most stressful work year of my life.

And the day I realized that the stress had changed me was when I was sitting in our basement office frantically working through yet another entire weekend just to complete lesson planning for the following week.   I remember it was a cloudy November afternoon and when my youngest daughter walked into the room (again) and tried to get my attention (again) I turned to her then tiny 3 year old body and barked "WHAT?!" after she tried to gain my attention.

Her response to me made me freeze in my tracks.

When she dropped her head, eyes downcast to the floor, shoulders slouch moving slowly away from me she whispered apologetically, "Sorry mommy..." in response.  That's when I knew something was deeply wrong.

Something had changed me.

In Allison Dickson's book The Other Mrs. Miller I was reminded of this moment when Wyatt said, "Pressure forces people into a lot of unlikely shapes."  It rang true to me and not only did I recognize this in myself but also in what's happening in the world right now.

We typically live a life so full of appointments, responsibilities, events, meetings and get togethers that it's all too easy for us to loose sight of ourselves and become misshapen.  Sometimes the pressures are situational and temporary - like my story of starting a new position at a new location.  As stressful as that year was, it eventually came to and end.

But often it's simply how we go on living our lives day to day that wreaks havoc on us.  We go about doting all the I's and crossing all the T's just so that we can say we're doing our part - but it ultimately makes us unrecognizable in the end.  It causes us to change shape and lose sight of who we are.

Even in terms of the characters in this book we see how quickly they become twisted and misshapen doing things that (at least to me) are absolutely inconceivable.  Even though this book made me question the goodness in people and the lengths people will go to get what they want in life, it was also interesting as I wanted to figure out how twisted and sick people can get.  It's far from any experience I've ever had but it spoke to the human experience of pressure wreaking havoc on one's life.

You'd think that as things get ugly one would stop and say, "NO.  This is not what I want in life."  But this book showed me that under pressure we change shape and don't necessarily do anything about it likely because we can get away with it.  As Phoebe's best friend Vicki points out, "The cream always rises.  But turds also float."

Why make a change if what you're doing is working for you in some way?

Let me ask you this my dear readers, when the pressure is on are you the cream or are you the turd?

Because now that some of the pressure is off and we're spending our time going to much fewer places, generally doing less things, and seeing less people, we have the capacity to make some change.

Many people are feeling the pressure of home-bound living, social distancing and self-isolation citing boredom and anxiety as their primary ailments but some are not.

Some, like me, are taking a careful look at who they are and how they live their lives.  Some people are taking this time to get back "in shape" now that the pressure is off.  Even though we've given up so much and lost so many of our freedoms, we have a chance to find ourselves again. 

Most notably I feel like now that the pressure is off I feel like I have the time to tune into what really matters to me the most.  To take care of those things that I truly care about and that are within my control.  It's given me this rare opportunity to live my life in a different shape.

What about you?  What shape do you find yourself in?

A Literal City of Ghosts

How funny is it that I popped in the audio version of Victoria's Schwab's City of Ghosts while completing some household tasks during these housebound times?  No, really.  I found myself reading City of Ghosts while going for a drive for some essential groceries looking out into my neighborhood that has become a veritable city of ghosts in and of itself.

That being said, I am truly thankful that so many people in my community are staying home as was directed by the government.  But during those few times when I venture out, whether it be for some exercise or for some groceries, I find myself walking through a ghost town.  There is hardly anyone out, and if they are we are at least 6 feet apart.  In addition, I've tried greeting my neighbors with a friendly "Good Morning!" or a simple "Hello!" while going for a neighborhood walk with my kids only to be ignored by them time and time again.

I have to admit that all of this is rather unsettling.

It's almost like we've all become ghosts that cannot see one another.

In Schwab's book City of Ghosts, that is exactly what happens when Cassidy's best friend Jacob tries to communicate with others.  Apart from Cassidy, no one else sees or hears Jacob because it just so happens that Jacob is indeed a ghost.

Schwab's book was a nice read that brings you into a world where humans and ghosts are connected through "the veil".  Although it's meant for younger readers I'll be recommending this book for my daughters to read over the next few weeks.  The cool thing about this book is that Cassidy and Jacob have the capacity to walk in and out of the afterlife through "the veil", allowing them to encounter a number of ghosts who either are stuck in the "in between" and cannot move on, or choose to stick around for their own varied reasons.

Kinda cool, no?  I think so anyway, especial because here I am again, reading yet another book that has a bizarre way of connecting with what's actually going on in my life right now.

Let me explain...

Not only am I busy working away at this blog during these uncertain times, I'm also working away at suddenly teaching all of my classes from a distance (something I've never done before and I'm not entirely sure is going to be 100% effective for students - but that's another story all together).

As for the rest of my time at home during this pandemic I too have been visited by ghosts - well kind of...

You see, with all this time at home what is one to do?  As for me, I'm not one for watching too much TV or movies.  I prefer keeping busy in a way that makes me feel productive.  But there's only so much laundry, cooking, and cleaning that a gal can handle!  Do you feel me?  So, in these quiet times at home I've found myself revisiting old hobbies that in recent years I've not had the time to participate in.

I've been knitting, sewing, planting, trying new (and old) recipes and simply finding as many ways as possible to be creative and to stretch our family resources as much as possible. 

And as I've revisited these old hobbies I've been truly enjoying myself.  I'd forgotten how much pleasure I derive from them and how relaxing I find it.  But most surprisingly, while doing this I've been visited by the spirit of my grandmother who introduced me to so many of the old hobbies that I'm now revising.

As I sit at the sewing machine or spend time rolling up balls of yarn that have kept silent in the bin downstairs patiently waiting for me, I've been transported to another time and place altogether.  I've had vivid flashbacks of old times growing up at home, sitting next to my grandmother in her room while she sews.  I can hear the buzz of the machine working frantically and see it so clearly even as I sit here typing.  One of the most vivid visions is the black and white gingham housecoat she would wear, covered in threads from her sewing, and the fuzzy tan slippers that she wore religiously to keep her feet toasty in this frigid country.

As distant as I am from my family and friends right now, this quiet time at home has given me a chance to reconnect with my grandmother.  I cannot say that I've seen her ghost like Cassidy sees Jacob's ghost, but I'm certainly being visited by her spirit.

Although this house bound time has come with its costs, I have to admit that I'm so grateful for the opportunity to get quiet enough to reconnect to my past.  To feel my grandmother's presence once again.

Even better, I've been passing on these skills to my daughters as they stay home with me day after day.  That makes me feel like my grandmother's spirit is living on through them.  What a wonderful gift.

Even if the world out there seems like a literal city of ghosts the reality is that we are never alone.  You simply need to make the most of these challenging times and reconnect to that which has been lost or forgotten.

Regardless of whomever and whatever are you reconnecting with while spending quiet time at home, I hope that it has been keeping you good company. 

More Than Just a Label, More Than Just a Dreamer

There are times in my life when I ask myself, do I really know who I am?  I mean seriously, how much of my self concept is shaped by who I truly know myself to be, versus who I think I am?

Do I have a true self?

Or, am I merely a reflection of who I think others think I am?

In 2015 when I suffered a concussion that took forever to go away I had plenty of time to contemplate life as I recovered.  As I lay there in a dark and quiet room trying to unscramble my concussed brain, I started to ask myself some deep questions.  I started to examine my life.

Am I where I want to be?  Am I who I wish to be?  Is my life a reflection of who I am, my talents and my values?  Or am I merely living a reflection of what I believe is expected of me?

Have you ever wondered about this?  Does this resonate with you?

In See Me by Nicholas Sparks both the main characters end up living a life that is in line with what they thought others expected from them.  It's only when they finally let go of their pasts and the expectations of others that they finally break free.  They are then able to tap into their true selves and talents.  It is only then that they discover who they really are.

When I read this book it made me wonder in what ways I have shaped my life around others peoples' expectations and labels.  I wondered if I have shaped my life the way that I have simply because I believed it was what was expected of me.

Time for a little story...

Growing up I was considered the black sheep of my nuclear family.  Although I knew it wasn't really true, I took that label to heart thinking that there was something inherently "other" about me simply because the path I took, the dreams I had, and some of the choices I had made were not consistent with what others had in mind for me.  Honestly, I know I'm no black sheep; perhaps I'm a bit of a shade of grey, but certainly I'm no black sheep!

Perhaps this label stemmed from the fact that I'm a pretty creative person.  In fact, sometimes I'm a bit of a dreamer.  You'll catch me exclaiming "I have a vision!" and then describe some wild plan for something that I envision to be cool, beautiful, special, or unique.  I am creative and imaginative and I tend to follow my gut knowing that things can often work out even without a perfect plan.  Sometimes my imagination and creativity can result in amazing things and sometimes my dreams fizzle and die.

I know that sometimes my dreams are a bit wack and that others may not get them.  I also get that some of my ideas go nowhere.  In truth, creativity is easier to dream up than to execute and not everyone gets my vision.

Most recently I've had to let go of a dream that I've held deep in my heart.  A vision that I've had for me and my family. 

Most people don't know that I've always dreamed of doing a big family trip to Portugal to reunite the family that my parents created here in Canada with the family that they had to leave behind when they immigrated from Portugal.  This year, being the year of my parent's 50th anniversary was the year I envisioned to be the year for this dream to finally come true.

I mean honestly, no one is getting any younger here and what better reason to make this dream come true than to do it in honor of my parent's 50 year long marriage?

However, my dream will not become a reality.  This is my dream and and mine alone.  My mother is not interested. Her dream for commemorating her 50th is fundamentally different and doesn't include a big trip.

If I'm being 100% honest I get it.  It's her anniversary not mine.  Yet I can't help but feel sad because to me a family trip like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Think about it...

Wouldn't it be amazing to go back to the chapel where my parents got married 50 years ago and recreate that special moment when they first said "I do"?  Wouldn't it be grand to go back to the banquet hall where they had their reception and take a photo in the same exact place where they ceremoniously cut their cake - this time surrounded by their children, sons in law and grand daughters?

Unfortunately, my mother's dream for her 50th does not include any of that.  The truth is my mother and I think differently.  We always have.  And although I respect her choice to celebrate in a way that is in line with her vision and values, I cannot help but feel a loss.  A loss for this dream which first began in my teenage years.  A loss for an opportunity which I feel we will never again have.  A loss for having a vision that didn't inspire others.

This story is a perfect example of my dreamer like tendancy.  I suppose it's the "black sheep" in me that dreams up these scheme.  It also serves as a reminder of the many times that I was called "a dreamer" with a slight disapproving yet amused shake of the head.  I can hear my mother's voice echo through my past saying, "only you Raquel, would come up with an idea like that".

That label of being an unrealistic dreamer is one that I still carry around with me.

And because of that label I have spent years considering myself a dreamer but no a doer.  I never saw myself as actually doing anything with my dreams.  Before I started my personal journey in 2015 to make my life a juicy, joyful and awesome existence, I found myself constantly dreaming of what my life could be like and found myself wishing for more.  Wishing for “one day”.

I could imagine my life differently but I didn't think that I could actually do it.

Has this ever happened to you?

The problem with labels is that they tend to stick.  So in by being called a dreamer I thought that's all I'd ever be.  Someone with great imagination and creativity that just dreamed things up but never made anything actually happen.  Now I know that I'm much more than that.

I know my dreams are not anyone else's and that I cannot make anyone do anything that they're not wanting to do.  I know that shouldn't stop me from continuing to be creative.  Because in my visions are great ideas that could inspire others.  This blog is one of those dreams that my family might say is nuts but who knows - there must be something good that will come of it, no?

I want to live my life achieving and fulfilling my dreams.  I don't want to just have creative ideas that fizzle and die.  I want to live a creative life.

I want to look at my life and be able to say that today is that day that I am living for me.  This life is the life that I want.  Today is the day that I am living my life as I envision it; not a life that lies in the confines of the labels that others choose to give me.

I am more than just a dreamer.  I am a dreamer who is dreaming up and creating an inspiring life that will leave a mark on this world.

Black sheep or not I'm just going to go ahead and do it.  I will not wait for "one day" for it to happen.  Because I honestly believe that one day is today.

I'm A Writer, Right?

The truth is I find it hard to call myself a writer.

I mean obviously, I'm sitting here writing this blog, but does that seriously make me a writer?

The reason why I say this is because I have never heard anyone call me a writer.  I mean, I've been called many a thing, but never a writer.

Strangely enough, over the last year stories of writers finding their voice have visited me in one book or another.  I began 2019 with a book called  Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and I ended it with Surfside Sisters by Nancy Thayer.  These two novels book-ended 2019 (consequently my year of failing as a writer - just read my post The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly to find out why) and it haunted me.  I could hear the voices of these authors calling me to write, to find my voice, to connect with others and to let my voice be heard but I couldn’t quite find the words or the courage to make it happen.

I suppose my ability to label myself as competent or valued in a particular way stems from a deep seated need for validation from others.  To see value in myself I often wait for it to be seen by others.  Have you ever been there?  I mean, have you ever doubted yourself and then waited until someone else was able to believe in you first?

Come on people, I know I'm not alone.

Even in Joanne Goodman’s novel The Home for Unwanted Girls I heard and understood how we define our ourselves by how others see us.  How other's opinions of us validate our existence and influence our choices.  Although not explicitly about being writer, this novel helped me realize the importance of writing your own story and not letting others do it for you (or to you).  I understood how finding your voice means empowering yourself by being in control of your life narrative.

Hold on, I need a moment of brutal honesty here folks before I continue...

Even though I truly believe in the power of writing one's own narrative, of being the one who is calling the shots, paradoxically, I often don’t feel safe to do so.  I don't always feel safe believing in myself. As I mentioned, I don't exactly feel right calling myself a writer.

What am I so afraid of?  Why do I have this inner voice of self doubt?  Why is it that I rely so heavily on the validation of others?  I have spent a lifetime writing my thoughts down in journals.  I have written way too many essays for school.  In my youth I wrote love letters a plenty to old boyfriends.  I have created countless lessons and assignments for an endless number of students.  I write a letter of gratitude to each of my daughters every year for their birthday.  So I know that I write.

How can I have written so much and yet not consider myself a writer?  I mean if this blog not testament enough to my commitment to writing then what is?

I suppose I may only come to accept myself when I reach a certain level of accomplishment that will validate me.  I believe that this stems from how I was raised.  I know I am loved dearly but I also know that the way to gain attention, approval and recognition is often by achieving something.

So here's the part where I admit that I check the stats for this blog.  Actually, I check pretty frequently.  Like almost every day.  Okay fine, sometimes more than once a day.

Why?

I'm looking to see if anyone is reading what I've written.  I’m searching for which posts they are reading, how often they are visiting the blog, if they've commented on a particular post, and if they have subscribed.  I'm hoping to reach 50 subscribers by June 30, 2020 and the process so far has been slow and a bit nerve wracking.  Because deep down inside I need to know that someone is looking.  That someone sees me and acknowledges what I'm trying to accomplish here.  That this blog matters.  That I matter.

Which makes me question what happens if no one is reading? Does it even really matter if I reach 50 subscribers?  Isn't the fact that I'm writing this blog at all good enough?

If in the end no one validates my work then is it of any value at all?  As my words fall on this page if no one is out there reading them then do they actually make a sound?

I suppose the answer is yes.

Because even if no one else reads this blog I know that at least I have it for me.  And if not for me then it is a legacy to be left behind for the people I love the most.  It's has become part of my life narrative.

It's at times like this that I can't help but think about my maternal grandmother who gave me so much.    She was illiterate and could not speak English.  I have so many fond memories of her.  She taught me so much.  She showed me how to be uma mulher de guerra and quite possibly the most domesticated feminist you'll ever meet.  And yet, as close as we were there was a distance between us.

I cannot tell you how many times there were things that were left unspoken between us.  There was so much I wanted to know about her.  So much I wanted to say.  As a teen I distinctly remember wanting to say “I love you” in Portuguese but I couldn’t.  I literally didn’t know how.  I didn’t learn the translation until it was too late.  She passed away in 1997 and I will never speak to her or hear her words of wisdom again as the chapters of her story have already come to a close.

I wish my grandmother could have written her life story down for me.  I wish I could have known her better.  I wish her words could still be with me today - that I could still hear her voice or even just simply read one of her recipes. 

Sigh...

I can't change any of that.  But I can change what I'm doing now and in my future.

By writing this blog, regardless of who reads it or not, at least my story won’t be lost.  My words will not be forgotten.  Regardless of how many followers, page visits or comments my story will live on and make me stronger regardless of whether or not I consider myself a writer.

I will not wait for external validation.  I will not wait for someone to see me and tell me what I'm doing here is worthwhile.  I will continue doing what I'm doing because it’s alright to call myself a writer.

If it comes let it come, if it stays let it stay, if it goes let it go.

Recently, a dear friend of mine shared the news that she had decided to put an end to a long and difficult marriage.  It pained me to listen to the hurt in her voice as she told me what she had been secretly going through.

Sadly, she is not the first nor is she the last of my friends to find herself in this position.

As she spoke there was part of me that felt deeply sad for her as I'm certain that she entered her marriage with every intention to make it work and build a lifetime of family memories with her spouse.  As she spoke, I processed that this was a profound loss for her.

On the other hand, when I listened more carefully to what she was saying I was happy for her because I understood how much courage, self-worth, and self-love it took for her to finally stand up for herself and demand more from life.

I carried this happy sadness in my heart for quite some time after speaking to her.  I felt deeply emotional.  I realized in that moment how much I define myself in terms of being married; in terms of being part of a whole.  I realized that I consider my walk through life as a journey that is walked hand in hand with someone else.

Interestingly enough the day my dear friend told me about the end of her marriage I happened to be in the middle of reading Nicholas Sparks' novel Two By Two.  To tell you this is also to tell you that it was as is art were imitating life.  Two By Two is about a man going through one of life's greatest ordeals: separation, divorce and the loss of his best friend and sister.  So much of what my friend was telling me was reflected in the book that it was uncanny.

From this novel I was able to share what I thought was an excellent piece of advice with my friend.  As the main character Russell Green is contending with the onslaught of emotions after his wife leaves him he is given some very sage advice, "If it comes let it come, if it stays let it stay, if it goes let it go".

I couldn't agree more and as I shared this with my friend she shook her head in agreement with tears in her eyes.

We all experience loss and let downs in life.  Whether it is a marriage falling apart, a friend betraying you, a job loss, a loved one being diagnosed with a terminal illness or even the loss of a cherished pet, we've all felt deep despair as the anger, fear, hurt and disappointment set in. Whatever feelings come your way it's ok.  If life brings you great joy or great loss, it's ok.  If something is taken away from you it's ok. 

You will find your way.

I know it.

This is because even in the face of loss we are not lost.  Even if, like my dear friend, you are facing the end of life as you know it, the dreams you had built up since you were a little girl, and the love and hope you had for your marriage, you are not lost because you are not alone.

Two by Two taught me that although we tend to build our lives around our spouses, they are not the entirety of who we are.  In any relationship we are only ever a partial version of ourselves.  We have a number of different versions of ourselves that we inhabit from day to day, from relationship to relationship.

These versions take the form of wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, colleague and friend.

When we take into consideration all of these ways of existing it is obvious that we are not just one thing.  We don't cease to exist even if one of our identities suddenly comes to an end.  We don't stop being who we are just because our place in this world is changed.

Now you might feel that some changes in our lives screw with everything.  That all is lost.  But know that you simply have to turn to the other people in your life who help make you whole.  Don't walk alone.  Switch partners as you need to.  Reach out and grab someone's hand.  Call upon those people in your life who will hold you up when you're ready to fall.

I know you can do this.

I know you will get through this.