Firstly, work suddenly became highly computer based which led to me clocking an insane number of hours sitting in front of the computer. And as a result I learned that I am not built for a desk job! After sitting chained to my desk all day the thought of sitting in front of the computer to write this blog was something I simply couldn't stomach. Secondly, my mind was so ensnared in the worry and anxiety of the pandemic that not only did I read less, but day by day I felt that I had less and less to contribute in terms of meaningful communications and connections between the books I was reading and the world around me. The world was turned upside down and I didn't recognize the life I was living nor could I even recognize who I had become while living it it.
I get that we did what we had to do in order to keep ourselves and one another safe but in doing so my world became unrecognizable to me and as a result I became unrecognizable to myself. Nearly all of the things that inspired me and brought me the greatest joy slowly disappeared and the woman I was so proud to be quietly eroded away.
The impact social isolation had on me did not hit home until too late into the process. I suspect my focus on fear and anxiety during the pandemic blinded me from that.
As a result my willing letting go of so many things that made me who I am over 2020 and 2021 unwittingly transformed me without my knowledge. I became someone I quite literally didn't recognize in the mirror and honestly, I had no idea how I got there.
This idea of transformation is exactly what Levine's Ogre Enchanted is about. Evie is transformed into an Ogre against her will and she is forced to navigate the world as a hideous monstrous best. The novel points out that we can exist on two sides and that we need to accept ourselves for who we are. That we need to not only love ourselves but love others as well regardless of circumstances.
How perfectly timed the insights this book are as I reflect on my not so positive pandemic transformation. Here I am now reflecting on who I was, who I became and who I want to be.
The strange thing is that I've been pitting my pre-pandemic self up against the post pandemic self thinking they are two different versions of me. But the truth is that they are simply two side of the same coin.
One side is the self confident, passionate, positive and outgoing productive go getter who is surrounded by family, friends, music, culture, and creativity and the other side is the introspective, introverted, self-reflective, self-critical, anxious and self doubting version of me that has grown out of too much social isolation.
I often think that both versions of me can't exist at the same time. But the truth is that they can and they are just two sides of the same old me.
At first this freaked me out because this makes we wonder who I really am?
Can I be more than one thing at the same time?
I supposed I can!
Just like a diamond, we are all multifaceted. And that is what makes us beautiful. So if ever you look in the mirror and feel like you're lost or that you don't recognize who you've become, remember that you are just you and that this is just one part of who you really are. No one thing or version of yourself can fully define you.
And when the pressure is on and life has got you down remember that diamonds are simply carbon put under pressure. It's the pressure that brings out the diamond's strength, luster and beauty.
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, then girl (or whomever you are), be your own best friend and love yourself and all the parts of you that are brilliant, radiant and beautiful.
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