My Resolution to Flourish

I begin 2024 with a deep sense of pride. I am proud of what I have accomplished in the past year and how far I've come since I began making myself a priority. Too often, we start a new year with a resolution (a tradition that I loathe). What are New Year's Resolutions anyway? Just a collective self-deception that things will change just by wishing it to be so.

As I look back on some of the posts in this blog, I realize that, while they are not perfect, I see myself reflected in each one. I see my mindset, the deep changes I've undergone, some intense and sincere thoughts, emotions, and reflections. But most of all, I see my resolution to live life fully every day and to create for myself a life full of musings that inspire me to share with you (my dearest reader).

I don't feel awkward or ashamed to say I'm proud. And if I'm being 100% honest, I see my value for what feels like the first time ever. Mind you, I don't see it in every single aspect of my life, but I do see it in my intentional turning inwards, in my resolution to prioritize myself and my values. By doing so, I have opened up, and I can see and feel that I am flourishing.

What a great word. Flourishing.

What better word to describe exactly what I am feeling and how I am doing.

Don't get me wrong. It isn't a passive act. It is an ongoing intentional choice that requires dedication and resolve. I am prioritizing myself. I am examining my life, actions, behaviors, and words, determining if they are yielding the life that I want to live. It's hard work every day. Sometimes it's exhausting, but by doing so, I'm shedding some long-held seeds of self-doubt and finding that I am indeed flourishing!

I owe so much of this to some simple changes that I have made, to changing my perspective, to switching up how I spend my time, to prioritizing my health, to paying attention to what I put in my body, to curating with whom I spend my time, and to setting time for me to be in my own company.

If you're looking to do this too, be warned that it is hard work. You must be ready for it and willing to show up every day. There is no room for half-hearted attempts here, my friend.

You must carefully craft each aspect of your life so that it reflects who you truly are. If you find a problem, a void, or a contradiction, no one is going to change it for you. YOU are your best agent for change. YOU are capable of anything to make your life one that you feel fulfilled by and proud of. YOU have all the strength and ability to create whatever it is you desire. YOU just have to start doing whatever needs to be done by starting with one small step at a time.

Make that phone call.

Send that text.

Take that course.

Throw away that thing which no longer serves you.

Set aside time to do that right now.

Don't wait one more minute.

Don't wait for that fateful "one day" that will never come. Stop doubting yourself. Turn inwards to find who you truly are, what you truly love and value, and make your days reflect those many wonderful things that make you exactly who you were meant to be. Make this your resolution. Resolve to be steadfast to yourself, and undoubtedly you too will flourish.

Think Like the Dying for a Life That's Worth Living

I'm in the process of growing some ideas about my career and where I see my future headed.  The crazy thing is that the more I open my heart, mind and soul to the possibility of doing something that really and truly makes me happy the more I've finding possibilities opening up before me.  

Although I'm not really ready to leave my career, I know that I can't do this forever; one, because I'm due to retire at some point and am simply looking foward to a change, and two, because this field has changed so fundamentally that I don't know if I want to be part of what it's becomming.

That being said, even though change in inevitable and I'm sure to enter a different chapter in my life at some point, I'm seeking ways to start laying the foundation for that future and redirecting my time towards the things that bring me great joy and will nourish my soul.  I don't want to find myself retiring with no idea of what I want to do with myself.

I know teaching has been a calling for me and that ultimately it is the life that I wanted; but if I'm being honest it's also the life that was expected of me based on society and based on my parents' expectations.  They are great parents and wanted me to have a secure job with great benefits and a pension.  That makes sense.  And I really and truly appreciate this part of my reality.  But did it lead me to the job that I really and truly in my heart of hearts wanted?

I dunno.

In Bronnie Ware's The Top Five Regrets of The Dying she shares inspirational life lessons that most people only come to learn on their death beds.  Here they all are in a nutshell:

Live the life YOU want.

Don't work so hard.

Allow yourself to have fun.

Stay in touch with friends.

Do not be afraid to express your true emotions.

So here I am thinking about what my future may hold and how I might be able to build more joy into an education system that has made me deeply, deeply unhappy since the start of the pandemic.  Don't get me wrong, I know that change can be good but the changes that were made were forced upon us and the end result left the classroom a dead husk of what it once was.  We need time to rebuild and reconsider what we're doing and to turn our faces away from screens and back towards one antoher's beautiful faces.

Becuase of where I am in my life and the state of education I'm asking myself if I'm living the life that I want?  Why am I working so hard 18 years into being a teacher (yes I know it's because I care but it's also becuase the system was turned into a shit show).  I'm asking myself, what do I do to really have fun, both in my personal life and while I'm at work.  What do I really and truly emjoy and how can I include that regularly in my life?

With the exception of my first year of teaching, the year the entire curriculum changed (and I changed schools at the same time), the pandemic was, by far one of the most challenging times in my career.  I worked so damn hard and the worst part is that I ended each day having felt like a failure.  This is because we aren't meat to grow up behind a screen.  We don't always learn best from a video or a document or a website.  The pervasive feeling of failure was hard to swallow and lead me to a very dark point in my life.

But since then, I've focused on enjoying life and having fun.  I've focused on reconnecting with old friends (whom, by the way were all so glad to hear from me and to this day contine to chat or meet regularly).  That has been a balm to my soul.  I've always known the importance of friends but I wasn't until I had lost touch with many of them that I realized what I was truly missing.

All of this I was doing without having read Ware's book.  Pretty incredible that I was led down this path through self reflection, meditation, and therapy in my 40s!

My last effort is in regards to beign brave enough to express how I truly feel.  I'm getting better and better at this.  Specifically when it comes to discussing mental health and what I've learned through therapy.  Funny enough I've noticed that my openness to my feelings and experiences can sometimes make peopel quite uncomfortable.  But I've come to learn that this discomfort is short lived and often helps others open up.  By being brave enough to show up emotionally, you'd be surprized how it makes space and inspires other to do the same.

What can you do to live your life to the fullest?  Are you living the life you truly want for yourself?  Do you have enough fun or are you working too much?  Are you connected with your friends?  Are you expressing your emotions and sharing how you truly feel?

Please!  Don't want until it's too late!  Don't end your life looking in the rearview mirror wishing you had done things differently.  Start rethinking your life now and build it so that you can live a joyful, peaceful, and enlightened life NOW! 

If You Feed It, It Will Grow

Can you name the movie with that famous line, "If you build it, they will come"?  I can tell you that I have jokingly used that line many times not really thinking about what it actually means.  In fact, I can still see the image of the baseball field and the ghost players coming out from among the corn stalks towards the diamond.

If you know what I'm talking about then you'd know that I'm talking about Field of Dreams starring Kevin Costner.

The Cream Always Rises (But Turds Also Float)

How many of you have found yourself in an unlikely shape because of the pressures from work, home, family, friends, or society?  How many of you feel unrecognizable as you struggle to make it through the day?

I know I have.

One very distinct memory comes to mind when I think about pressure and how it changed me.

It was in 2013 when I changed work locations (not entirely because I wanted to) and I found myself in a new building, with new colleagues, new courses to teach, new curriculum to figure out and no department members that knew the school, students or staff.  Both the department and the curriculum had been wiped clean like a blank slate and I found myself utterly alone and drowning the the amount of work that it takes to run a department pretty much alone and from scratch.

Looking back now, I realize that it was the most stressful work year of my life.

And the day I realized that the stress had changed me was when I was sitting in our basement office frantically working through yet another entire weekend just to complete lesson planning for the following week.   I remember it was a cloudy November afternoon and when my youngest daughter walked into the room (again) and tried to get my attention (again) I turned to her then tiny 3 year old body and barked "WHAT?!" after she tried to gain my attention.

Her response to me made me freeze in my tracks.

When she dropped her head, eyes downcast to the floor, shoulders slouch moving slowly away from me she whispered apologetically, "Sorry mommy..." in response.  That's when I knew something was deeply wrong.

Something had changed me.

In Allison Dickson's book The Other Mrs. Miller I was reminded of this moment when Wyatt said, "Pressure forces people into a lot of unlikely shapes."  It rang true to me and not only did I recognize this in myself but also in what's happening in the world right now.

We typically live a life so full of appointments, responsibilities, events, meetings and get togethers that it's all too easy for us to loose sight of ourselves and become misshapen.  Sometimes the pressures are situational and temporary - like my story of starting a new position at a new location.  As stressful as that year was, it eventually came to and end.

But often it's simply how we go on living our lives day to day that wreaks havoc on us.  We go about doting all the I's and crossing all the T's just so that we can say we're doing our part - but it ultimately makes us unrecognizable in the end.  It causes us to change shape and lose sight of who we are.

Even in terms of the characters in this book we see how quickly they become twisted and misshapen doing things that (at least to me) are absolutely inconceivable.  Even though this book made me question the goodness in people and the lengths people will go to get what they want in life, it was also interesting as I wanted to figure out how twisted and sick people can get.  It's far from any experience I've ever had but it spoke to the human experience of pressure wreaking havoc on one's life.

You'd think that as things get ugly one would stop and say, "NO.  This is not what I want in life."  But this book showed me that under pressure we change shape and don't necessarily do anything about it likely because we can get away with it.  As Phoebe's best friend Vicki points out, "The cream always rises.  But turds also float."

Why make a change if what you're doing is working for you in some way?

Let me ask you this my dear readers, when the pressure is on are you the cream or are you the turd?

Because now that some of the pressure is off and we're spending our time going to much fewer places, generally doing less things, and seeing less people, we have the capacity to make some change.

Many people are feeling the pressure of home-bound living, social distancing and self-isolation citing boredom and anxiety as their primary ailments but some are not.

Some, like me, are taking a careful look at who they are and how they live their lives.  Some people are taking this time to get back "in shape" now that the pressure is off.  Even though we've given up so much and lost so many of our freedoms, we have a chance to find ourselves again. 

Most notably I feel like now that the pressure is off I feel like I have the time to tune into what really matters to me the most.  To take care of those things that I truly care about and that are within my control.  It's given me this rare opportunity to live my life in a different shape.

What about you?  What shape do you find yourself in?

Find Your Purpose and Reset Your Life

There's been a lot of news out there recently.  I admit that I scour the headlines everyday (sometimes twice a day) to keep up with what's going on in the world and especially because I want to stay abreast of what's happening the the global fight against Covid-19.  Too often the news I read is merely informative, scary or frustrating.  That being said, every now and again I come across something that is worth my while.

The following article has to be one of the best things I've come across recently and thought it would a good idea to share it with you my dear readers as it is very much in line with this blog.  

Please take a moment to read and let me know what you think:

Finding Purpose In This Pandemic: Use This Crisis To Reset Your Life

At the end of the article are some very poignant questions.  If you feel so inclined I'd love to hear your response to any of these questions:

What values do I want my life to stand for?

What mark do I wish to make?

What kind of person do I want to be others?

At life’s end, how do I want to measure success?

Some Literal And Figurative Spring Cleaning In The Weeks Ahead

I picked up State of the Union by Nick Hornby on the basis of a staff recommendation at my local public library.  It's a short novel that reads more like a play with its heavy use of dialogue and I plowed through it in one day (thanks to Covid-19, I had some time to kill).

From this book I'd like to share with you a short passage that I found to be insightful and thought provoking.  On page 89, as Louise and Ted meet again for a drink at a pub before going into their next marriage therapy session, they discuss the state of their marriage and what they can do about it:


""The trouble is, marriage is like a computer.  You can take it apart to see what's inside, but then you're left with a million pieces."

Louise sighs in despairing agreement, and then rallies.

"How about this?" she says.  "We shove the big bits back in, chuck the small ones away, close it up, and get on with things."

"But it won't work."

"It won't work, but it will look like a computer."

"Is that what you want?  A marriage that looks like a marriage? Even though it won't work?""


This passage really struck me.  The image of a marriage that looks like a marriage even though it doesn't work sounded all too familiar; not because my own marriage is a sham, but because I have seen how certain aspects of my life can become a hot mess if I don't care for them properly. When I think about this I think about my home, health, relationships, personal happiness, and self worth.  How much of my life has the appearance of being great to others but deep inside they are really just a mismatch of parts that don't exactly fit.

Come on guys, you know what I'm talking about, right?

Anything on your "one day I'm gonna..." list is what I'm really talking about here.  The things that are outta wack in your life and bug you but you simply haven't had the time or the energy to set them right.  The things that nag at you but you just live with because for all intents and purposes, everything looks OK from the outside, so why the hell not just continue on with the status quo?

Well now is the time to put the pieces back together (and not just shove them back in).

As we continue to face weeks of social distancing ahead of us, this is the ideal time for some tidying up.  I mean, of course clean out that closet that needs attention, but also consider the other areas of your life that have been a bit of a mess. Is this not a great opportunity to do some literal and figurative spring cleaning?

What ever your goals may be, is it not a great opportunity take your "computer" apart and figure out how to properly put it back together again (not just shove it into something that looks sort of right but in the end simply does not work)?

My dear readers, we can focus on the negativity of the pandemic or we can search for the goodness that is hiding behind it.  Can you see the silver lining behind all that we are all going through right now?

I can.

We will make it through the times ahead.  Making it through is all many of us can really do - get through and just get on with it.  But you my dear reader, can make it through and and do so much more than that.

Let's do a bit of spring cleaning.  Let's not just focus on literal cleaning up.  Let's look at it on a more figurative level.

Let's reexamine our values and goals and compare that to how we spend our time.  Let's try to re-connect to what really makes our hearts glad.  Let's focus our time on doing just that with the precious time we now have.

Let's come out of this social distancing wiser, stronger and more put together than we have ever have been before.  Not just so that we can look the part, but so we can make it all work properly too.

Tuck Everlasting

If you had to opportunity to live forever, would you take it?  In light of the fact that every day more and more people are dying around the world from Covid -19, it seems odd that I should pick up a book that challenges my beliefs regarding life and death.

Stop for a moment and ask yourself: is it better to live a long life that cannot end, or is it better to end a life that you have fully lived?

It's a tough one, no?  I'm sure that there are many people in the world right now that would gladly take immortality as they face the fear of death (in general) but especially from Covid-19.

In Natalie Babbit's novel Tuck Everlasting, we are faced with this very question.  I actually grabbed the audio version of this book in a frantic haze just before March Break started.  When I heard that my local community center and precious library were going to be shutting down to "flatten the curve" in my community I figured we'd never last a day at home shut out from the world without a few books and movies.

So off I went with my library card in hand and one hour to get enough to occupy my family and I for the next several weeks.

But when I brought the selection of books and movies home, my youngest daughter took one look at the books and wrinkled her nose.  She said that she simply wasn't interested (and here I thought we shouldn't judge a book by it's cover).

I had heard about Tuck Everlasting as a classic novel and knew that it had been adapted into movies and as stage productions.  Figuring that it had to have some merit to be nominated for so many awards, I thought I'd give it a go and then see if I could truly recommend the book to my daughter.

As it turns out, the book became more than a simple recommendation for a 10 year old.  It honestly got me thinking about so much more.

Every time I tune into the news or read the latest chat room gossip it's all about Covid-19 and the turmoil that we're facing globally.

So when I began the book and quickly discovered that it was a book about immortality it got me thinking that there are millions of people out there right at this exact moment who would love to have the Tuck's secret weapon of immortality to keep themselves alive during this trying time.

Or, would they?

You see, as you read this book you begin to realize that immortality is not as appealing as it first seems.  Granted, to never get sick or age sounds quite pleasant doesn't it?  But in the end as is explained by Angus Tuck, he and his family cannot live life to the fullest because without death they aren't truly part of the circle of life.

He argues that without death there is no life.  You are merely a "rock stuck at the side of a stream."

I most certainly do not wish anyone to become infected or die from Covid-19 but I do see the benefit in us all going through this ordeal.  As we all wrack our brains to stay safe and socially distance ourselves hasn't it given us the opportunity to stop and reflect on what matters most?

Hasn't it given you the opportunity to clean out that closet that's be plaguing you for months?

Hasn't it forced you to reach out to the people you love the most to connect and take good care of them?

Hasn't it given you a chance to slow down and do things that matter to you with more care?

As I've said before, people and how we treat one another, are what matters the most in life (the rest is all bull shit).  For those of us who are not essential services and are not allowed to go into work due to government interventions, rather than rant and rave about how bored you are, look at what you are doing with your life.  You're alive!  How do you plan on spending your time on this earth?  Knowing that a virus can spread and attack the entire human race makes you realize how very fragile it all is.

This time of social distancing is ironically allowing us to find a way to get closer to those and that which matters most. Take the time to take care of yourself, your loved ones, your home, your neighborhood and this earth because although it seems like we are on this earth for a lifetime, it is not an everlasting ride.

Seize the day and the many more to come: get creative, try something new, and finish something that needs finishing.

It might feel like being tucked away in our homes is never ending but this too shall pass.  Life your life to the fullest.

Silent No More

Lies, gossip, manipulation, deception, infidelity, loss, retaliation, insincerity, abduction, and bitterness.  Interested yet?

Well, I am (and I'm kind of not).

You see, I'm a softy.  I'm not a fan of any media that focus on this type of content.  So, as I read The Family Next Door by Sally Hepworth I found myself in a world that exposed me to this type of content.  As I read, I found myself asking, what is it about this story that draws people in?  I honestly had such trouble getting into it.  The book made me feel downright uncomfortable.

You guys, maybe I'm too much of a lightweight; perhaps I'm a bit of a schmuck.  Maybe I'm just too idealistic to get into this type of book.  Who knows?

What do know is this: when I'm reading a book (especially in light of what I'm trying to achieve here with this blog) I'm looking for some deep kernel of truth.  Some tiny seed buried in the depth of the novel that finds it's way to my heart and soul.  Some tiny (or huge) moment that forces me to reflect.  Something that helps me make meaning of this messy and complicated world that we live in.

Now in this book (at least for me, perhaps it would be different for you) what I found was silence.

No, literally.

Silence was at the core of this book.

Silence which left characters in difficult situations that led them to make some pretty bad choices.

Silence which caused them not to deal with their problems which only caused their problems to simply get worse.

Silence which caused irreparable damage to their relationships.

The deception, lies, and infidelity in this book made me uncomfortable.  I realized early on that I wasn't meshing with the characters.  I didn't like what they had to offer me but I held out and stuck it through and I'm glad I did.

Because I realized that if I didn't finish the book then I wouldn't be blogging about it.  There would be yet again, another moment of silence, this time on my part.

In reading books I often find myself seeking philosophies that validate my personal vision and deep need for positive thinking.  I seek out the vision that the author has to offer and look to align it with my own or determine how it might make me revise my perceptions.  This book didn't exactly do that for me, but it did make me realize something.

Perhaps there is comfort in reading about the nastiness of the world - maybe reading stories about cheating and indiscretion validates your experiences or makes you feel a little less guilty because there is someone out there (fictional or not) doing something worse than you?  In reading books like this you realize that you are not the world's biggest screw up.  There are others out there that have it bad.  You?  You're not so bad in comparison.

But is that what you truly want for your life?

In all honestly I don't consider myself a screw up even though I've screwed up plenty of times.  I know that I've needed to learn when to shut up and when to stand up and speak out.  It's been a journey and as I'm getting older and it's becoming clearer to me now more than ever that my voice is indeed powerful and needed in this world.  

However, the reality is that words are a double edged sword.  They can release and they can imprison.  They can heal and they can hurt.  They can create and they can destroy.

Too often I have walked through life in silence; not speaking up when I needed to.  Not telling others how I truly felt.  I feel truly blessed to be writing this blog because it has allowed me to say so much that would have otherwise gone unsaid and to free so many of my emotions and thoughts that would have otherwise remained trapped within me. 

Even now as we all struggle through the Covid-19 pandemic, I have found it difficult to write.  I have felt like the words are escaping me.  And the quieter I get, the worse I feel.  Getting back into reading and writing for this blog has proven to be rather helpful.

Here's why...

You see, for me reading books has always been a form of therapy.  Call it "bibliotheraphy" if you will.  If I have a problem, I get a book.  If I'm trying to improve some aspect of my life, I get a book.  If I'm having trouble getting along with a certain person, I get a book.  If I'm not wanting to deal with the issues that are going on in the great big world, I get a book.

I know it might seem weird but does anyone feel me?

Honestly, until I started writing about the books I was reading I was totally missing out on half of my therapy session.  Talking about the books is just as therapeutic as reading them.

So for those of you who read some of my more personal posts and wonder how I had the guts to lay out my personal story on the line, I have to tell you that rather than make me feel afraid and trapped, writing about it made me feel free.

Now that I'm writing this blog, the silence is broken and I feel more myself.  To be completely honest, this is a byproduct that I never expected.

By writing in this blog I am breaking the silence.  I am ending areas of conflict in my life, working out solutions to problems that I face, finding ways to cope with people who I find challenging and most importantly, rather than running away and hiding out with a book, I find myself coming to a better understanding of who I am within this crazy world.

I shall keep working through these challenging times as we all struggle to make sense of what will happen next.

I hope that you too will find a way to be heard.  I hope that you will feel and understand the importance of your voice.  I hope that you will acknowledge the double edge sword of words and be brave even if it scares you.

Now is the time to share your voice and be silent no more. 

Feminism Is Not A Dirty Word

Walking through a high school you may (or may not) be surprised by how many times you'll hear the f-word on a daily basis.  What's most remarkable is how versatile the world is and the many ways it can be conjugated.  Whether a noun, verb, adjective, or adverb it is ubiquitous and a central part of teen culture as it naturally rolls off the tongues of youth.

But not all f-words are as well used or as dirty as the one I hear in the hallways everyday.  The f-word that I wish I did hear more often (and choose to bring up here in this post) is one that can make people cringe but isn't used nearly enough.

It's feminism.

I just finished reading We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.  This is a very short printed version of her December 2012 TEDx Euston  talk.  If you're interested in watching her talk, here is the link:  https://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_ngozi_adichie_we_should_all_be_feminists?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

This tiny book, based on her 30 minute talk was worth reading.  It pointed out that there are some conversations that are difficult to have. That people can get irritable, uncomfortable or threatened by certain subjects. It reminded me that there are some things we simply cannot dismiss. That we cannot resist some topics because we must change the status quo.

Talking about subjects like gender inequality and sexism is difficult but necessary.  Standing up for what's right is hard.  But if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

This past weekend we celebrated International Women's Day.  Yesterday many of us reached out to all the women in our lives and shared our love for one another.

Dear reader, who is it that you love?  What is it that you stand for?  What are you willing to fight for?  Who are you willing to defend?  Will your observance of International Women's Day go beyond simply sending a text message to the ladies in your life or are you willing to do something more?

I know times have changed and we have come a long way since the times of our mothers and grandmothers.  But as Adichie points out, culture does not make people.  People are the ones making culture.  In what ways are you shaping the culture that you live in into what you want it to be?  In what ways are you shaping this world for women everywhere?

Let's not be passive and just send a text.  Let's make change one step at a time for the sake of all women and all humanity.

For f's sake, let's remember that feminism is not a dirty word.