Too Much of Not Enough

 You have loved me since before I even existed

You have nurtured me with all of your heart

And provided for me in every way that you knew how

You saw yourself reflected in the bright blue of our eyes

The rosiness of our matching cheeks

I am a reflection of you in a frosted mirror

I hide under the cape of your care and the security of your embrace

Yet I feel unseen and misunderstood

I exist as a whirl of emotions that sometimes feels like too much

My ways are not fitting inside your box of logic and reason

My creativity roars and longs for an outlet 

I live in the shadow of your dreams 

The misunderstood black sheep of the family 

Carving my own path being my only sin 

I have spent countless times wondering if I’m good enough 

Not seeing my own value and unique abilities

I have spent years trying to measure up 

The imaginary meter stick illuding me at every turn 

Trying to achieve the thing that will make me acceptable

Trying to fit into that box of the ordinary

Rather than allow myself to be extraordinary

But I don’t blame you because you are who you are 

We all have our limits

We all have our own worldview

We all have our own twisted history

But from my perspective 

I’ve experienced a lifetime of being dearly loved

But only in parts

Only the bits and pieces that make sense to you

For me to be able to move on, I need to acknowledge our truth

To see you and I exactly as we are

Fully and finally letting go of what I never actually had

Before I am forced to let you go forever as I know that I eventually will

That day will forever come sooner than I want

I have had to mourn the loss of the relationship I wish we had

The one where I could go to you to say any thing

Do anything

Be anything 

Believe me when I say that I have tried to curate what we could be for so many years 

only to face the stubborn wall that has keept us apart

I am simultaneously exactly who you’d like me to be 

And everything you can’t understand

I will always feel like not enough and yet too much

I will always be your daughter

And you will always be the mother that I love in all the wrong ways

Think Like the Dying for a Life That's Worth Living

I'm in the process of growing some ideas about my career and where I see my future headed.  The crazy thing is that the more I open my heart, mind and soul to the possibility of doing something that really and truly makes me happy the more I've finding possibilities opening up before me.  

Although I'm not really ready to leave my career, I know that I can't do this forever; one, because I'm due to retire at some point and am simply looking foward to a change, and two, because this field has changed so fundamentally that I don't know if I want to be part of what it's becomming.

That being said, even though change in inevitable and I'm sure to enter a different chapter in my life at some point, I'm seeking ways to start laying the foundation for that future and redirecting my time towards the things that bring me great joy and will nourish my soul.  I don't want to find myself retiring with no idea of what I want to do with myself.

I know teaching has been a calling for me and that ultimately it is the life that I wanted; but if I'm being honest it's also the life that was expected of me based on society and based on my parents' expectations.  They are great parents and wanted me to have a secure job with great benefits and a pension.  That makes sense.  And I really and truly appreciate this part of my reality.  But did it lead me to the job that I really and truly in my heart of hearts wanted?

I dunno.

In Bronnie Ware's The Top Five Regrets of The Dying she shares inspirational life lessons that most people only come to learn on their death beds.  Here they all are in a nutshell:

Live the life YOU want.

Don't work so hard.

Allow yourself to have fun.

Stay in touch with friends.

Do not be afraid to express your true emotions.

So here I am thinking about what my future may hold and how I might be able to build more joy into an education system that has made me deeply, deeply unhappy since the start of the pandemic.  Don't get me wrong, I know that change can be good but the changes that were made were forced upon us and the end result left the classroom a dead husk of what it once was.  We need time to rebuild and reconsider what we're doing and to turn our faces away from screens and back towards one antoher's beautiful faces.

Becuase of where I am in my life and the state of education I'm asking myself if I'm living the life that I want?  Why am I working so hard 18 years into being a teacher (yes I know it's because I care but it's also becuase the system was turned into a shit show).  I'm asking myself, what do I do to really have fun, both in my personal life and while I'm at work.  What do I really and truly emjoy and how can I include that regularly in my life?

With the exception of my first year of teaching, the year the entire curriculum changed (and I changed schools at the same time), the pandemic was, by far one of the most challenging times in my career.  I worked so damn hard and the worst part is that I ended each day having felt like a failure.  This is because we aren't meat to grow up behind a screen.  We don't always learn best from a video or a document or a website.  The pervasive feeling of failure was hard to swallow and lead me to a very dark point in my life.

But since then, I've focused on enjoying life and having fun.  I've focused on reconnecting with old friends (whom, by the way were all so glad to hear from me and to this day contine to chat or meet regularly).  That has been a balm to my soul.  I've always known the importance of friends but I wasn't until I had lost touch with many of them that I realized what I was truly missing.

All of this I was doing without having read Ware's book.  Pretty incredible that I was led down this path through self reflection, meditation, and therapy in my 40s!

My last effort is in regards to beign brave enough to express how I truly feel.  I'm getting better and better at this.  Specifically when it comes to discussing mental health and what I've learned through therapy.  Funny enough I've noticed that my openness to my feelings and experiences can sometimes make peopel quite uncomfortable.  But I've come to learn that this discomfort is short lived and often helps others open up.  By being brave enough to show up emotionally, you'd be surprized how it makes space and inspires other to do the same.

What can you do to live your life to the fullest?  Are you living the life you truly want for yourself?  Do you have enough fun or are you working too much?  Are you connected with your friends?  Are you expressing your emotions and sharing how you truly feel?

Please!  Don't want until it's too late!  Don't end your life looking in the rearview mirror wishing you had done things differently.  Start rethinking your life now and build it so that you can live a joyful, peaceful, and enlightened life NOW! 

A Literal City of Ghosts

How funny is it that I popped in the audio version of Victoria's Schwab's City of Ghosts while completing some household tasks during these housebound times?  No, really.  I found myself reading City of Ghosts while going for a drive for some essential groceries looking out into my neighborhood that has become a veritable city of ghosts in and of itself.

That being said, I am truly thankful that so many people in my community are staying home as was directed by the government.  But during those few times when I venture out, whether it be for some exercise or for some groceries, I find myself walking through a ghost town.  There is hardly anyone out, and if they are we are at least 6 feet apart.  In addition, I've tried greeting my neighbors with a friendly "Good Morning!" or a simple "Hello!" while going for a neighborhood walk with my kids only to be ignored by them time and time again.

I have to admit that all of this is rather unsettling.

It's almost like we've all become ghosts that cannot see one another.

In Schwab's book City of Ghosts, that is exactly what happens when Cassidy's best friend Jacob tries to communicate with others.  Apart from Cassidy, no one else sees or hears Jacob because it just so happens that Jacob is indeed a ghost.

Schwab's book was a nice read that brings you into a world where humans and ghosts are connected through "the veil".  Although it's meant for younger readers I'll be recommending this book for my daughters to read over the next few weeks.  The cool thing about this book is that Cassidy and Jacob have the capacity to walk in and out of the afterlife through "the veil", allowing them to encounter a number of ghosts who either are stuck in the "in between" and cannot move on, or choose to stick around for their own varied reasons.

Kinda cool, no?  I think so anyway, especial because here I am again, reading yet another book that has a bizarre way of connecting with what's actually going on in my life right now.

Let me explain...

Not only am I busy working away at this blog during these uncertain times, I'm also working away at suddenly teaching all of my classes from a distance (something I've never done before and I'm not entirely sure is going to be 100% effective for students - but that's another story all together).

As for the rest of my time at home during this pandemic I too have been visited by ghosts - well kind of...

You see, with all this time at home what is one to do?  As for me, I'm not one for watching too much TV or movies.  I prefer keeping busy in a way that makes me feel productive.  But there's only so much laundry, cooking, and cleaning that a gal can handle!  Do you feel me?  So, in these quiet times at home I've found myself revisiting old hobbies that in recent years I've not had the time to participate in.

I've been knitting, sewing, planting, trying new (and old) recipes and simply finding as many ways as possible to be creative and to stretch our family resources as much as possible. 

And as I've revisited these old hobbies I've been truly enjoying myself.  I'd forgotten how much pleasure I derive from them and how relaxing I find it.  But most surprisingly, while doing this I've been visited by the spirit of my grandmother who introduced me to so many of the old hobbies that I'm now revising.

As I sit at the sewing machine or spend time rolling up balls of yarn that have kept silent in the bin downstairs patiently waiting for me, I've been transported to another time and place altogether.  I've had vivid flashbacks of old times growing up at home, sitting next to my grandmother in her room while she sews.  I can hear the buzz of the machine working frantically and see it so clearly even as I sit here typing.  One of the most vivid visions is the black and white gingham housecoat she would wear, covered in threads from her sewing, and the fuzzy tan slippers that she wore religiously to keep her feet toasty in this frigid country.

As distant as I am from my family and friends right now, this quiet time at home has given me a chance to reconnect with my grandmother.  I cannot say that I've seen her ghost like Cassidy sees Jacob's ghost, but I'm certainly being visited by her spirit.

Although this house bound time has come with its costs, I have to admit that I'm so grateful for the opportunity to get quiet enough to reconnect to my past.  To feel my grandmother's presence once again.

Even better, I've been passing on these skills to my daughters as they stay home with me day after day.  That makes me feel like my grandmother's spirit is living on through them.  What a wonderful gift.

Even if the world out there seems like a literal city of ghosts the reality is that we are never alone.  You simply need to make the most of these challenging times and reconnect to that which has been lost or forgotten.

Regardless of whomever and whatever are you reconnecting with while spending quiet time at home, I hope that it has been keeping you good company.