Too Much of Not Enough

 You have loved me since before I even existed

You have nurtured me with all of your heart

And provided for me in every way that you knew how

You saw yourself reflected in the bright blue of our eyes

The rosiness of our matching cheeks

I am a reflection of you in a frosted mirror

I hide under the cape of your care and the security of your embrace

Yet I feel unseen and misunderstood

I exist as a whirl of emotions that sometimes feels like too much

My ways are not fitting inside your box of logic and reason

My creativity roars and longs for an outlet 

I live in the shadow of your dreams 

The misunderstood black sheep of the family 

Carving my own path being my only sin 

I have spent countless times wondering if I’m good enough 

Not seeing my own value and unique abilities

I have spent years trying to measure up 

The imaginary meter stick illuding me at every turn 

Trying to achieve the thing that will make me acceptable

Trying to fit into that box of the ordinary

Rather than allow myself to be extraordinary

But I don’t blame you because you are who you are 

We all have our limits

We all have our own worldview

We all have our own twisted history

But from my perspective 

I’ve experienced a lifetime of being dearly loved

But only in parts

Only the bits and pieces that make sense to you

For me to be able to move on, I need to acknowledge our truth

To see you and I exactly as we are

Fully and finally letting go of what I never actually had

Before I am forced to let you go forever as I know that I eventually will

That day will forever come sooner than I want

I have had to mourn the loss of the relationship I wish we had

The one where I could go to you to say any thing

Do anything

Be anything 

Believe me when I say that I have tried to curate what we could be for so many years 

only to face the stubborn wall that has keept us apart

I am simultaneously exactly who you’d like me to be 

And everything you can’t understand

I will always feel like not enough and yet too much

I will always be your daughter

And you will always be the mother that I love in all the wrong ways