Remove the Box; Infinite Possibilities

At the beginning of 2019 I read Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert.  Reading this book happened to be a happy accident.  My eldest daughter who was 10 at the time, had picked it up at the local Indigo book store.  Being the not so attentive kid that she can sometimes be, she didn't realize that Big Magic wasn't a kids' book.  So, I took it off her hands and gave it a go.  And boy was I glad that I did that.  Big Magic was great.  It really spoke to me because it addressed something that I have been unknowingly carrying around for a long time.  Something that had be dragging me down and boxing me in.

This book made me realize that I had been secretly carrying fear like a the latest designer handbag.  And even worse, I didn't know that I was carrying it.  You see, fear is cunning; fear was disguised as safety, sensibility and caution all in the name of self-preservation.

Does this sound familiar to you?

It does to me.

Now, if you know me at all you'd likely know that I'm not a big fan of horror films or suspense novels, nor am I thrilled by big roller coasters or sharks, or anything that could be deemed scary or dangerous.  I'm the sensitive type.  If it's going to  scare the crap out of me, no thanks, I'll pass.

To be honest, even though I know I'm the cautious type I'm not actually ashamed of it.  That being said, I have found myself wishing I were more adventurous; but I honestly I didn't know how to make that change.  That was until Big Magic came into my life. 

In this book Gilbert writes about life being a journey.  Joining you on that journey are many emotions.  And fear is most definitely one of them.  Especially when we are challenging ourselves to do something that scares us.  But Gilbert points something out about fear that made a lot a sense to me.

She taught me that fear is always going to be on the journey.  But you need to tell it where it gets to sit in the car.  You are in the driver's seat and you are in charge.  You get to set the rules for the trip.  Fear is allowed to come along.  Fear will never want to miss out on a opportunity.  But fear will be in the back seat.  Fear is never allowed to take the wheel, or be in charge of the map, or the music, or even crack open the window.

Silent and motionless in the back is where fear needs to reside on your life's journey.

Fear may join you on the ride but it is NOT allowed to make any decisions for your journey.

This totally spoke to me.

Like I said, I was carrying fear around like a fancy designer bag not realizing that in doing so I had brought fear into the driver's seat.  I didn't even know it was telling me where to go!

Fast forward one year and I've just finished reading City of Girls also by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I picked this book up not even remembering Big Magic or putting two and two together that it was by the same author.  Sometimes I pick up books for no good reason.  And in this case, I liked the cover because I thought it was pretty (no judgement please).

In this book Gilbert again had a lesson to teach me about fear.  I really enjoyed City of Girls and what I loved about it other than the endearing characters, and the story of a women daring to carve her own path in life contrary to what society wanted from her, is the lesson that when we try to take the safe path, when let fear tell us what to do, we loose our freedom.

How many times have you lost your freedom because fear took the driver's seat and said:

Don't say too much.
Don't talk too loud.
Don't push the boundaries.
Don't defy social norms.
Don't dress that way.
Don't act that way.
Don't eat that.
Don't do that.
Don't...
Don't -
Don't.

I'd like to live a life free from fear.  I'd like to create a life where I'm in the driver's seat free to take my journey wherever it may lead.  So I'm telling fear to take a back seat.

I know that on the other side of things that scare me are life's greatest pleasures. I'm ready to be scared. I'm ready to face life with fear sitting silently in the back seat.

I'm ready to remove the box that fear creates for me to uncover infinite possibilities.

If it comes let it come, if it stays let it stay, if it goes let it go.

Recently, a dear friend of mine shared the news that she had decided to put an end to a long and difficult marriage.  It pained me to listen to the hurt in her voice as she told me what she had been secretly going through.

Sadly, she is not the first nor is she the last of my friends to find herself in this position.

As she spoke there was part of me that felt deeply sad for her as I'm certain that she entered her marriage with every intention to make it work and build a lifetime of family memories with her spouse.  As she spoke, I processed that this was a profound loss for her.

On the other hand, when I listened more carefully to what she was saying I was happy for her because I understood how much courage, self-worth, and self-love it took for her to finally stand up for herself and demand more from life.

I carried this happy sadness in my heart for quite some time after speaking to her.  I felt deeply emotional.  I realized in that moment how much I define myself in terms of being married; in terms of being part of a whole.  I realized that I consider my walk through life as a journey that is walked hand in hand with someone else.

Interestingly enough the day my dear friend told me about the end of her marriage I happened to be in the middle of reading Nicholas Sparks' novel Two By Two.  To tell you this is also to tell you that it was as is art were imitating life.  Two By Two is about a man going through one of life's greatest ordeals: separation, divorce and the loss of his best friend and sister.  So much of what my friend was telling me was reflected in the book that it was uncanny.

From this novel I was able to share what I thought was an excellent piece of advice with my friend.  As the main character Russell Green is contending with the onslaught of emotions after his wife leaves him he is given some very sage advice, "If it comes let it come, if it stays let it stay, if it goes let it go".

I couldn't agree more and as I shared this with my friend she shook her head in agreement with tears in her eyes.

We all experience loss and let downs in life.  Whether it is a marriage falling apart, a friend betraying you, a job loss, a loved one being diagnosed with a terminal illness or even the loss of a cherished pet, we've all felt deep despair as the anger, fear, hurt and disappointment set in. Whatever feelings come your way it's ok.  If life brings you great joy or great loss, it's ok.  If something is taken away from you it's ok. 

You will find your way.

I know it.

This is because even in the face of loss we are not lost.  Even if, like my dear friend, you are facing the end of life as you know it, the dreams you had built up since you were a little girl, and the love and hope you had for your marriage, you are not lost because you are not alone.

Two by Two taught me that although we tend to build our lives around our spouses, they are not the entirety of who we are.  In any relationship we are only ever a partial version of ourselves.  We have a number of different versions of ourselves that we inhabit from day to day, from relationship to relationship.

These versions take the form of wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, colleague and friend.

When we take into consideration all of these ways of existing it is obvious that we are not just one thing.  We don't cease to exist even if one of our identities suddenly comes to an end.  We don't stop being who we are just because our place in this world is changed.

Now you might feel that some changes in our lives screw with everything.  That all is lost.  But know that you simply have to turn to the other people in your life who help make you whole.  Don't walk alone.  Switch partners as you need to.  Reach out and grab someone's hand.  Call upon those people in your life who will hold you up when you're ready to fall.

I know you can do this.

I know you will get through this.

Walk Together In Love

As those of you who have been following my posts since the beginning know, I have been on a mission to read a crazy amount of books as a personal challenge to myself.  I'm now in year three of reading at least 50 books a year.  At this point you might be wondering, what have you gotten out of this situation other than bragging rights?

Well, what have I gotten out of reading so much for the last couple of years?

That is an excellent question.

I believe this journey has taught me something that I think we all know already.  Or at least, should know already.  It's a lesson that is so elementary in nature that you're likely going to laugh or roll your eyes at me when I tell you about it.

Well, insert eye roll here, 'cause I'm about to lay it out for you.

What I have learned more than anything else, regardless of what book I have read, is that above all else, all you need is love.

Yes, you read me correctly.

And no, this is not a Beatles song.

It is actually a legitimate observation that I have made.  It honestly doesn't matter what I read, the underlying message of all the books, whether it is explicitly stated or if it is hidden in the subtext, is to make all decisions in your life with love and to act towards one another with love as your primary response.

Sound ridiculous?

Maybe.

But, just imagine - sorry Beatles, I'm not trying to rip off all of your songs here! - Imagine a world based on loving actions and thoughts.

Can you even imagine a world like this?

I can.

Just think about it with me for a moment or two...

Can you imagine coming face to face with the woman who murdered your brother and then respond to her with love rather than hate?

If not, just read The Huntress by Kate Quinn.

Can you see yourself loosing the love of your life to another man and then sealing your fate to never have a chance to get her back by anonymously paying for life saving medical treatment that will save her husband's life and ensure she gets her "happily ever after"?

If not, just read Dear John by Nicholas Sparks.

Can you picture turning your life's work into something that promotes love, kindness and understanding because you survived the Holocaust?

If not, just read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.

Can you imagine living in a neat and tidy home that brings you joy because it only contains items that you love?

If not, just read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Condo.

Do you need more examples?  Then just start reading because love is exactly what I have discovered in the many books I have read during my personal reading challenge.

Maybe some of you are thinking, to hell with love - money is all you need and then you can afford to buy a life that you love and get whatever you want!  Well, considering the many pro-social experiments that have been done out there it is clear that money may make you feel more comfortable and ensure a certain standard of living, but only to a certain degree.  What money cannot do is make you happy.

Let go of money as the answer to your many woes, and imagine instead wealth measured by the love you have to give to others and to yourself.  Imagine how life changing that could be!

As we approach Valentines Day I'd like to challenge you to make love an every day thing, not a one day thing.

Can you try one of these things out?

- respond in a loving way to someone who has hurt you
- offer care and guidance to someone who has been disrespectful to you
- choose to forgive instead of laying blame
- look in the mirror and thank you body for the many things it accomplishes everyday regardless of how it looks

Don't just buy chocolates and flowers this Friday because real love is so much more than that.

Consider this:  if you paid others in love and kindness, rather than feed your own ego or spend only one day a year thinking about love and what it means, how quickly could you transform your world?

Even in one of my most recent reads, Nicholas Spark's A Walk to Remember we are reminded of what it means to respond in love when it could be so easy to react with fear, hatred, blame or sorrow.

I don't want to ruin A Walk to Remember for you in case you want to read it yourself, but when Landon grants Jamie her greatest wish we might ask ourselves, given the age of the characters, how realistic is this book anyways?  That being said, Landon's ability to help Jamie achieve her dream during the darkest time of her life was the most loving thing he could have done for her.  It gave her the opportunity to have "a walk to remember".

If there is anything I can get out of what I have read over the last few years it is most definitely that love trumps all else.  We walk through life too often harboring jealousy, regret, fear or even hate.

What a heavy load to carry for our many days on this earth.  Imagine instead we choose to shed these burdens of negativity. What a walk it would be if we all walked together in love.

It would indeed be a walk to remember.