Recently, a dear friend of mine shared the news that she had decided to put an end to a long and difficult marriage. It pained me to listen to the hurt in her voice as she told me what she had been secretly going through.
Sadly, she is not the first nor is she the last of my friends to find herself in this position.
As she spoke there was part of me that felt deeply sad for her as I'm certain that she entered her marriage with every intention to make it work and build a lifetime of family memories with her spouse. As she spoke, I processed that this was a profound loss for her.
On the other hand, when I listened more carefully to what she was saying I was happy for her because I understood how much courage, self-worth, and self-love it took for her to finally stand up for herself and demand more from life.
I carried this happy sadness in my heart for quite some time after speaking to her. I felt deeply emotional. I realized in that moment how much I define myself in terms of being married; in terms of being part of a whole. I realized that I consider my walk through life as a journey that is walked hand in hand with someone else.
Interestingly enough the day my dear friend told me about the end of her marriage I happened to be in the middle of reading Nicholas Sparks' novel Two By Two. To tell you this is also to tell you that it was as is art were imitating life. Two By Two is about a man going through one of life's greatest ordeals: separation, divorce and the loss of his best friend and sister. So much of what my friend was telling me was reflected in the book that it was uncanny.
From this novel I was able to share what I thought was an excellent piece of advice with my friend. As the main character Russell Green is contending with the onslaught of emotions after his wife leaves him he is given some very sage advice, "If it comes let it come, if it stays let it stay, if it goes let it go".
I couldn't agree more and as I shared this with my friend she shook her head in agreement with tears in her eyes.
We all experience loss and let downs in life. Whether it is a marriage falling apart, a friend betraying you, a job loss, a loved one being diagnosed with a terminal illness or even the loss of a cherished pet, we've all felt deep despair as the anger, fear, hurt and disappointment set in. Whatever feelings come your way it's ok. If life brings you great joy or great loss, it's ok. If something is taken away from you it's ok.
You will find your way.
I know it.
This is because even in the face of loss we are not lost. Even if, like my dear friend, you are facing the end of life as you know it, the dreams you had built up since you were a little girl, and the love and hope you had for your marriage, you are not lost because you are not alone.
Two by Two taught me that although we tend to build our lives around our spouses, they are not the entirety of who we are. In any relationship we are only ever a partial version of ourselves. We have a number of different versions of ourselves that we inhabit from day to day, from relationship to relationship.
These versions take the form of wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, colleague and friend.
When we take into consideration all of these ways of existing it is obvious that we are not just one thing. We don't cease to exist even if one of our identities suddenly comes to an end. We don't stop being who we are just because our place in this world is changed.
Now you might feel that some changes in our lives screw with everything. That all is lost. But know that you simply have to turn to the other people in your life who help make you whole. Don't walk alone. Switch partners as you need to. Reach out and grab someone's hand. Call upon those people in your life who will hold you up when you're ready to fall.
I know you can do this.
I know you will get through this.
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