My Resolution to Flourish

I begin 2024 with a deep sense of pride. I am proud of what I have accomplished in the past year and how far I've come since I began making myself a priority. Too often, we start a new year with a resolution (a tradition that I loathe). What are New Year's Resolutions anyway? Just a collective self-deception that things will change just by wishing it to be so.

As I look back on some of the posts in this blog, I realize that, while they are not perfect, I see myself reflected in each one. I see my mindset, the deep changes I've undergone, some intense and sincere thoughts, emotions, and reflections. But most of all, I see my resolution to live life fully every day and to create for myself a life full of musings that inspire me to share with you (my dearest reader).

I don't feel awkward or ashamed to say I'm proud. And if I'm being 100% honest, I see my value for what feels like the first time ever. Mind you, I don't see it in every single aspect of my life, but I do see it in my intentional turning inwards, in my resolution to prioritize myself and my values. By doing so, I have opened up, and I can see and feel that I am flourishing.

What a great word. Flourishing.

What better word to describe exactly what I am feeling and how I am doing.

Don't get me wrong. It isn't a passive act. It is an ongoing intentional choice that requires dedication and resolve. I am prioritizing myself. I am examining my life, actions, behaviors, and words, determining if they are yielding the life that I want to live. It's hard work every day. Sometimes it's exhausting, but by doing so, I'm shedding some long-held seeds of self-doubt and finding that I am indeed flourishing!

I owe so much of this to some simple changes that I have made, to changing my perspective, to switching up how I spend my time, to prioritizing my health, to paying attention to what I put in my body, to curating with whom I spend my time, and to setting time for me to be in my own company.

If you're looking to do this too, be warned that it is hard work. You must be ready for it and willing to show up every day. There is no room for half-hearted attempts here, my friend.

You must carefully craft each aspect of your life so that it reflects who you truly are. If you find a problem, a void, or a contradiction, no one is going to change it for you. YOU are your best agent for change. YOU are capable of anything to make your life one that you feel fulfilled by and proud of. YOU have all the strength and ability to create whatever it is you desire. YOU just have to start doing whatever needs to be done by starting with one small step at a time.

Make that phone call.

Send that text.

Take that course.

Throw away that thing which no longer serves you.

Set aside time to do that right now.

Don't wait one more minute.

Don't wait for that fateful "one day" that will never come. Stop doubting yourself. Turn inwards to find who you truly are, what you truly love and value, and make your days reflect those many wonderful things that make you exactly who you were meant to be. Make this your resolution. Resolve to be steadfast to yourself, and undoubtedly you too will flourish.

More Than Just a Label, More Than Just a Dreamer

There are times in my life when I ask myself, do I really know who I am?  I mean seriously, how much of my self concept is shaped by who I truly know myself to be, versus who I think I am?

Do I have a true self?

Or, am I merely a reflection of who I think others think I am?

In 2015 when I suffered a concussion that took forever to go away I had plenty of time to contemplate life as I recovered.  As I lay there in a dark and quiet room trying to unscramble my concussed brain, I started to ask myself some deep questions.  I started to examine my life.

Am I where I want to be?  Am I who I wish to be?  Is my life a reflection of who I am, my talents and my values?  Or am I merely living a reflection of what I believe is expected of me?

Have you ever wondered about this?  Does this resonate with you?

In See Me by Nicholas Sparks both the main characters end up living a life that is in line with what they thought others expected from them.  It's only when they finally let go of their pasts and the expectations of others that they finally break free.  They are then able to tap into their true selves and talents.  It is only then that they discover who they really are.

When I read this book it made me wonder in what ways I have shaped my life around others peoples' expectations and labels.  I wondered if I have shaped my life the way that I have simply because I believed it was what was expected of me.

Time for a little story...

Growing up I was considered the black sheep of my nuclear family.  Although I knew it wasn't really true, I took that label to heart thinking that there was something inherently "other" about me simply because the path I took, the dreams I had, and some of the choices I had made were not consistent with what others had in mind for me.  Honestly, I know I'm no black sheep; perhaps I'm a bit of a shade of grey, but certainly I'm no black sheep!

Perhaps this label stemmed from the fact that I'm a pretty creative person.  In fact, sometimes I'm a bit of a dreamer.  You'll catch me exclaiming "I have a vision!" and then describe some wild plan for something that I envision to be cool, beautiful, special, or unique.  I am creative and imaginative and I tend to follow my gut knowing that things can often work out even without a perfect plan.  Sometimes my imagination and creativity can result in amazing things and sometimes my dreams fizzle and die.

I know that sometimes my dreams are a bit wack and that others may not get them.  I also get that some of my ideas go nowhere.  In truth, creativity is easier to dream up than to execute and not everyone gets my vision.

Most recently I've had to let go of a dream that I've held deep in my heart.  A vision that I've had for me and my family. 

Most people don't know that I've always dreamed of doing a big family trip to Portugal to reunite the family that my parents created here in Canada with the family that they had to leave behind when they immigrated from Portugal.  This year, being the year of my parent's 50th anniversary was the year I envisioned to be the year for this dream to finally come true.

I mean honestly, no one is getting any younger here and what better reason to make this dream come true than to do it in honor of my parent's 50 year long marriage?

However, my dream will not become a reality.  This is my dream and and mine alone.  My mother is not interested. Her dream for commemorating her 50th is fundamentally different and doesn't include a big trip.

If I'm being 100% honest I get it.  It's her anniversary not mine.  Yet I can't help but feel sad because to me a family trip like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Think about it...

Wouldn't it be amazing to go back to the chapel where my parents got married 50 years ago and recreate that special moment when they first said "I do"?  Wouldn't it be grand to go back to the banquet hall where they had their reception and take a photo in the same exact place where they ceremoniously cut their cake - this time surrounded by their children, sons in law and grand daughters?

Unfortunately, my mother's dream for her 50th does not include any of that.  The truth is my mother and I think differently.  We always have.  And although I respect her choice to celebrate in a way that is in line with her vision and values, I cannot help but feel a loss.  A loss for this dream which first began in my teenage years.  A loss for an opportunity which I feel we will never again have.  A loss for having a vision that didn't inspire others.

This story is a perfect example of my dreamer like tendancy.  I suppose it's the "black sheep" in me that dreams up these scheme.  It also serves as a reminder of the many times that I was called "a dreamer" with a slight disapproving yet amused shake of the head.  I can hear my mother's voice echo through my past saying, "only you Raquel, would come up with an idea like that".

That label of being an unrealistic dreamer is one that I still carry around with me.

And because of that label I have spent years considering myself a dreamer but no a doer.  I never saw myself as actually doing anything with my dreams.  Before I started my personal journey in 2015 to make my life a juicy, joyful and awesome existence, I found myself constantly dreaming of what my life could be like and found myself wishing for more.  Wishing for “one day”.

I could imagine my life differently but I didn't think that I could actually do it.

Has this ever happened to you?

The problem with labels is that they tend to stick.  So in by being called a dreamer I thought that's all I'd ever be.  Someone with great imagination and creativity that just dreamed things up but never made anything actually happen.  Now I know that I'm much more than that.

I know my dreams are not anyone else's and that I cannot make anyone do anything that they're not wanting to do.  I know that shouldn't stop me from continuing to be creative.  Because in my visions are great ideas that could inspire others.  This blog is one of those dreams that my family might say is nuts but who knows - there must be something good that will come of it, no?

I want to live my life achieving and fulfilling my dreams.  I don't want to just have creative ideas that fizzle and die.  I want to live a creative life.

I want to look at my life and be able to say that today is that day that I am living for me.  This life is the life that I want.  Today is the day that I am living my life as I envision it; not a life that lies in the confines of the labels that others choose to give me.

I am more than just a dreamer.  I am a dreamer who is dreaming up and creating an inspiring life that will leave a mark on this world.

Black sheep or not I'm just going to go ahead and do it.  I will not wait for "one day" for it to happen.  Because I honestly believe that one day is today.

I'm A Writer, Right?

The truth is I find it hard to call myself a writer.

I mean obviously, I'm sitting here writing this blog, but does that seriously make me a writer?

The reason why I say this is because I have never heard anyone call me a writer.  I mean, I've been called many a thing, but never a writer.

Strangely enough, over the last year stories of writers finding their voice have visited me in one book or another.  I began 2019 with a book called  Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and I ended it with Surfside Sisters by Nancy Thayer.  These two novels book-ended 2019 (consequently my year of failing as a writer - just read my post The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly to find out why) and it haunted me.  I could hear the voices of these authors calling me to write, to find my voice, to connect with others and to let my voice be heard but I couldn’t quite find the words or the courage to make it happen.

I suppose my ability to label myself as competent or valued in a particular way stems from a deep seated need for validation from others.  To see value in myself I often wait for it to be seen by others.  Have you ever been there?  I mean, have you ever doubted yourself and then waited until someone else was able to believe in you first?

Come on people, I know I'm not alone.

Even in Joanne Goodman’s novel The Home for Unwanted Girls I heard and understood how we define our ourselves by how others see us.  How other's opinions of us validate our existence and influence our choices.  Although not explicitly about being writer, this novel helped me realize the importance of writing your own story and not letting others do it for you (or to you).  I understood how finding your voice means empowering yourself by being in control of your life narrative.

Hold on, I need a moment of brutal honesty here folks before I continue...

Even though I truly believe in the power of writing one's own narrative, of being the one who is calling the shots, paradoxically, I often don’t feel safe to do so.  I don't always feel safe believing in myself. As I mentioned, I don't exactly feel right calling myself a writer.

What am I so afraid of?  Why do I have this inner voice of self doubt?  Why is it that I rely so heavily on the validation of others?  I have spent a lifetime writing my thoughts down in journals.  I have written way too many essays for school.  In my youth I wrote love letters a plenty to old boyfriends.  I have created countless lessons and assignments for an endless number of students.  I write a letter of gratitude to each of my daughters every year for their birthday.  So I know that I write.

How can I have written so much and yet not consider myself a writer?  I mean if this blog not testament enough to my commitment to writing then what is?

I suppose I may only come to accept myself when I reach a certain level of accomplishment that will validate me.  I believe that this stems from how I was raised.  I know I am loved dearly but I also know that the way to gain attention, approval and recognition is often by achieving something.

So here's the part where I admit that I check the stats for this blog.  Actually, I check pretty frequently.  Like almost every day.  Okay fine, sometimes more than once a day.

Why?

I'm looking to see if anyone is reading what I've written.  I’m searching for which posts they are reading, how often they are visiting the blog, if they've commented on a particular post, and if they have subscribed.  I'm hoping to reach 50 subscribers by June 30, 2020 and the process so far has been slow and a bit nerve wracking.  Because deep down inside I need to know that someone is looking.  That someone sees me and acknowledges what I'm trying to accomplish here.  That this blog matters.  That I matter.

Which makes me question what happens if no one is reading? Does it even really matter if I reach 50 subscribers?  Isn't the fact that I'm writing this blog at all good enough?

If in the end no one validates my work then is it of any value at all?  As my words fall on this page if no one is out there reading them then do they actually make a sound?

I suppose the answer is yes.

Because even if no one else reads this blog I know that at least I have it for me.  And if not for me then it is a legacy to be left behind for the people I love the most.  It's has become part of my life narrative.

It's at times like this that I can't help but think about my maternal grandmother who gave me so much.    She was illiterate and could not speak English.  I have so many fond memories of her.  She taught me so much.  She showed me how to be uma mulher de guerra and quite possibly the most domesticated feminist you'll ever meet.  And yet, as close as we were there was a distance between us.

I cannot tell you how many times there were things that were left unspoken between us.  There was so much I wanted to know about her.  So much I wanted to say.  As a teen I distinctly remember wanting to say “I love you” in Portuguese but I couldn’t.  I literally didn’t know how.  I didn’t learn the translation until it was too late.  She passed away in 1997 and I will never speak to her or hear her words of wisdom again as the chapters of her story have already come to a close.

I wish my grandmother could have written her life story down for me.  I wish I could have known her better.  I wish her words could still be with me today - that I could still hear her voice or even just simply read one of her recipes. 

Sigh...

I can't change any of that.  But I can change what I'm doing now and in my future.

By writing this blog, regardless of who reads it or not, at least my story won’t be lost.  My words will not be forgotten.  Regardless of how many followers, page visits or comments my story will live on and make me stronger regardless of whether or not I consider myself a writer.

I will not wait for external validation.  I will not wait for someone to see me and tell me what I'm doing here is worthwhile.  I will continue doing what I'm doing because it’s alright to call myself a writer.