Think Like the Dying for a Life That's Worth Living

I'm in the process of growing some ideas about my career and where I see my future headed.  The crazy thing is that the more I open my heart, mind and soul to the possibility of doing something that really and truly makes me happy the more I've finding possibilities opening up before me.  

Although I'm not really ready to leave my career, I know that I can't do this forever; one, because I'm due to retire at some point and am simply looking foward to a change, and two, because this field has changed so fundamentally that I don't know if I want to be part of what it's becomming.

That being said, even though change in inevitable and I'm sure to enter a different chapter in my life at some point, I'm seeking ways to start laying the foundation for that future and redirecting my time towards the things that bring me great joy and will nourish my soul.  I don't want to find myself retiring with no idea of what I want to do with myself.

I know teaching has been a calling for me and that ultimately it is the life that I wanted; but if I'm being honest it's also the life that was expected of me based on society and based on my parents' expectations.  They are great parents and wanted me to have a secure job with great benefits and a pension.  That makes sense.  And I really and truly appreciate this part of my reality.  But did it lead me to the job that I really and truly in my heart of hearts wanted?

I dunno.

In Bronnie Ware's The Top Five Regrets of The Dying she shares inspirational life lessons that most people only come to learn on their death beds.  Here they all are in a nutshell:

Live the life YOU want.

Don't work so hard.

Allow yourself to have fun.

Stay in touch with friends.

Do not be afraid to express your true emotions.

So here I am thinking about what my future may hold and how I might be able to build more joy into an education system that has made me deeply, deeply unhappy since the start of the pandemic.  Don't get me wrong, I know that change can be good but the changes that were made were forced upon us and the end result left the classroom a dead husk of what it once was.  We need time to rebuild and reconsider what we're doing and to turn our faces away from screens and back towards one antoher's beautiful faces.

Becuase of where I am in my life and the state of education I'm asking myself if I'm living the life that I want?  Why am I working so hard 18 years into being a teacher (yes I know it's because I care but it's also becuase the system was turned into a shit show).  I'm asking myself, what do I do to really have fun, both in my personal life and while I'm at work.  What do I really and truly emjoy and how can I include that regularly in my life?

With the exception of my first year of teaching, the year the entire curriculum changed (and I changed schools at the same time), the pandemic was, by far one of the most challenging times in my career.  I worked so damn hard and the worst part is that I ended each day having felt like a failure.  This is because we aren't meat to grow up behind a screen.  We don't always learn best from a video or a document or a website.  The pervasive feeling of failure was hard to swallow and lead me to a very dark point in my life.

But since then, I've focused on enjoying life and having fun.  I've focused on reconnecting with old friends (whom, by the way were all so glad to hear from me and to this day contine to chat or meet regularly).  That has been a balm to my soul.  I've always known the importance of friends but I wasn't until I had lost touch with many of them that I realized what I was truly missing.

All of this I was doing without having read Ware's book.  Pretty incredible that I was led down this path through self reflection, meditation, and therapy in my 40s!

My last effort is in regards to beign brave enough to express how I truly feel.  I'm getting better and better at this.  Specifically when it comes to discussing mental health and what I've learned through therapy.  Funny enough I've noticed that my openness to my feelings and experiences can sometimes make peopel quite uncomfortable.  But I've come to learn that this discomfort is short lived and often helps others open up.  By being brave enough to show up emotionally, you'd be surprized how it makes space and inspires other to do the same.

What can you do to live your life to the fullest?  Are you living the life you truly want for yourself?  Do you have enough fun or are you working too much?  Are you connected with your friends?  Are you expressing your emotions and sharing how you truly feel?

Please!  Don't want until it's too late!  Don't end your life looking in the rearview mirror wishing you had done things differently.  Start rethinking your life now and build it so that you can live a joyful, peaceful, and enlightened life NOW! 

The Cream Always Rises (But Turds Also Float)

How many of you have found yourself in an unlikely shape because of the pressures from work, home, family, friends, or society?  How many of you feel unrecognizable as you struggle to make it through the day?

I know I have.

One very distinct memory comes to mind when I think about pressure and how it changed me.

It was in 2013 when I changed work locations (not entirely because I wanted to) and I found myself in a new building, with new colleagues, new courses to teach, new curriculum to figure out and no department members that knew the school, students or staff.  Both the department and the curriculum had been wiped clean like a blank slate and I found myself utterly alone and drowning the the amount of work that it takes to run a department pretty much alone and from scratch.

Looking back now, I realize that it was the most stressful work year of my life.

And the day I realized that the stress had changed me was when I was sitting in our basement office frantically working through yet another entire weekend just to complete lesson planning for the following week.   I remember it was a cloudy November afternoon and when my youngest daughter walked into the room (again) and tried to get my attention (again) I turned to her then tiny 3 year old body and barked "WHAT?!" after she tried to gain my attention.

Her response to me made me freeze in my tracks.

When she dropped her head, eyes downcast to the floor, shoulders slouch moving slowly away from me she whispered apologetically, "Sorry mommy..." in response.  That's when I knew something was deeply wrong.

Something had changed me.

In Allison Dickson's book The Other Mrs. Miller I was reminded of this moment when Wyatt said, "Pressure forces people into a lot of unlikely shapes."  It rang true to me and not only did I recognize this in myself but also in what's happening in the world right now.

We typically live a life so full of appointments, responsibilities, events, meetings and get togethers that it's all too easy for us to loose sight of ourselves and become misshapen.  Sometimes the pressures are situational and temporary - like my story of starting a new position at a new location.  As stressful as that year was, it eventually came to and end.

But often it's simply how we go on living our lives day to day that wreaks havoc on us.  We go about doting all the I's and crossing all the T's just so that we can say we're doing our part - but it ultimately makes us unrecognizable in the end.  It causes us to change shape and lose sight of who we are.

Even in terms of the characters in this book we see how quickly they become twisted and misshapen doing things that (at least to me) are absolutely inconceivable.  Even though this book made me question the goodness in people and the lengths people will go to get what they want in life, it was also interesting as I wanted to figure out how twisted and sick people can get.  It's far from any experience I've ever had but it spoke to the human experience of pressure wreaking havoc on one's life.

You'd think that as things get ugly one would stop and say, "NO.  This is not what I want in life."  But this book showed me that under pressure we change shape and don't necessarily do anything about it likely because we can get away with it.  As Phoebe's best friend Vicki points out, "The cream always rises.  But turds also float."

Why make a change if what you're doing is working for you in some way?

Let me ask you this my dear readers, when the pressure is on are you the cream or are you the turd?

Because now that some of the pressure is off and we're spending our time going to much fewer places, generally doing less things, and seeing less people, we have the capacity to make some change.

Many people are feeling the pressure of home-bound living, social distancing and self-isolation citing boredom and anxiety as their primary ailments but some are not.

Some, like me, are taking a careful look at who they are and how they live their lives.  Some people are taking this time to get back "in shape" now that the pressure is off.  Even though we've given up so much and lost so many of our freedoms, we have a chance to find ourselves again. 

Most notably I feel like now that the pressure is off I feel like I have the time to tune into what really matters to me the most.  To take care of those things that I truly care about and that are within my control.  It's given me this rare opportunity to live my life in a different shape.

What about you?  What shape do you find yourself in?

Find Your Purpose and Reset Your Life

There's been a lot of news out there recently.  I admit that I scour the headlines everyday (sometimes twice a day) to keep up with what's going on in the world and especially because I want to stay abreast of what's happening the the global fight against Covid-19.  Too often the news I read is merely informative, scary or frustrating.  That being said, every now and again I come across something that is worth my while.

The following article has to be one of the best things I've come across recently and thought it would a good idea to share it with you my dear readers as it is very much in line with this blog.  

Please take a moment to read and let me know what you think:

Finding Purpose In This Pandemic: Use This Crisis To Reset Your Life

At the end of the article are some very poignant questions.  If you feel so inclined I'd love to hear your response to any of these questions:

What values do I want my life to stand for?

What mark do I wish to make?

What kind of person do I want to be others?

At life’s end, how do I want to measure success?

Silent No More

Lies, gossip, manipulation, deception, infidelity, loss, retaliation, insincerity, abduction, and bitterness.  Interested yet?

Well, I am (and I'm kind of not).

You see, I'm a softy.  I'm not a fan of any media that focus on this type of content.  So, as I read The Family Next Door by Sally Hepworth I found myself in a world that exposed me to this type of content.  As I read, I found myself asking, what is it about this story that draws people in?  I honestly had such trouble getting into it.  The book made me feel downright uncomfortable.

You guys, maybe I'm too much of a lightweight; perhaps I'm a bit of a schmuck.  Maybe I'm just too idealistic to get into this type of book.  Who knows?

What do know is this: when I'm reading a book (especially in light of what I'm trying to achieve here with this blog) I'm looking for some deep kernel of truth.  Some tiny seed buried in the depth of the novel that finds it's way to my heart and soul.  Some tiny (or huge) moment that forces me to reflect.  Something that helps me make meaning of this messy and complicated world that we live in.

Now in this book (at least for me, perhaps it would be different for you) what I found was silence.

No, literally.

Silence was at the core of this book.

Silence which left characters in difficult situations that led them to make some pretty bad choices.

Silence which caused them not to deal with their problems which only caused their problems to simply get worse.

Silence which caused irreparable damage to their relationships.

The deception, lies, and infidelity in this book made me uncomfortable.  I realized early on that I wasn't meshing with the characters.  I didn't like what they had to offer me but I held out and stuck it through and I'm glad I did.

Because I realized that if I didn't finish the book then I wouldn't be blogging about it.  There would be yet again, another moment of silence, this time on my part.

In reading books I often find myself seeking philosophies that validate my personal vision and deep need for positive thinking.  I seek out the vision that the author has to offer and look to align it with my own or determine how it might make me revise my perceptions.  This book didn't exactly do that for me, but it did make me realize something.

Perhaps there is comfort in reading about the nastiness of the world - maybe reading stories about cheating and indiscretion validates your experiences or makes you feel a little less guilty because there is someone out there (fictional or not) doing something worse than you?  In reading books like this you realize that you are not the world's biggest screw up.  There are others out there that have it bad.  You?  You're not so bad in comparison.

But is that what you truly want for your life?

In all honestly I don't consider myself a screw up even though I've screwed up plenty of times.  I know that I've needed to learn when to shut up and when to stand up and speak out.  It's been a journey and as I'm getting older and it's becoming clearer to me now more than ever that my voice is indeed powerful and needed in this world.  

However, the reality is that words are a double edged sword.  They can release and they can imprison.  They can heal and they can hurt.  They can create and they can destroy.

Too often I have walked through life in silence; not speaking up when I needed to.  Not telling others how I truly felt.  I feel truly blessed to be writing this blog because it has allowed me to say so much that would have otherwise gone unsaid and to free so many of my emotions and thoughts that would have otherwise remained trapped within me. 

Even now as we all struggle through the Covid-19 pandemic, I have found it difficult to write.  I have felt like the words are escaping me.  And the quieter I get, the worse I feel.  Getting back into reading and writing for this blog has proven to be rather helpful.

Here's why...

You see, for me reading books has always been a form of therapy.  Call it "bibliotheraphy" if you will.  If I have a problem, I get a book.  If I'm trying to improve some aspect of my life, I get a book.  If I'm having trouble getting along with a certain person, I get a book.  If I'm not wanting to deal with the issues that are going on in the great big world, I get a book.

I know it might seem weird but does anyone feel me?

Honestly, until I started writing about the books I was reading I was totally missing out on half of my therapy session.  Talking about the books is just as therapeutic as reading them.

So for those of you who read some of my more personal posts and wonder how I had the guts to lay out my personal story on the line, I have to tell you that rather than make me feel afraid and trapped, writing about it made me feel free.

Now that I'm writing this blog, the silence is broken and I feel more myself.  To be completely honest, this is a byproduct that I never expected.

By writing in this blog I am breaking the silence.  I am ending areas of conflict in my life, working out solutions to problems that I face, finding ways to cope with people who I find challenging and most importantly, rather than running away and hiding out with a book, I find myself coming to a better understanding of who I am within this crazy world.

I shall keep working through these challenging times as we all struggle to make sense of what will happen next.

I hope that you too will find a way to be heard.  I hope that you will feel and understand the importance of your voice.  I hope that you will acknowledge the double edge sword of words and be brave even if it scares you.

Now is the time to share your voice and be silent no more. 

The Power of Perspective

What if I told you that the life you are living today is a construction of your imagination?

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that your life is imaginary and that no one else can see it.  What I'm saying is that everything that you think to be true is only true because you think it to be.  That the reality of your life's events are entirely based on how you decided to see things.

It's your version — your perception.

Does this freak you?  Do you think I'm nuts?

Or, does this make you feel incredibly powerful?

Gustav Flaubert said, "There is no truth.  There is only perception".  When I first heard this quoted by a dear colleague of mine I remember blowing her off thinking, what the hell is she talking about?  There are certain things in this world that we know to be right or wrong, true or false.  To be honest I thought she was a bit nuts at the time.

But then I got to thinking...

Maybe there's some truth to the idea that there is no reality, only perception.

The truth of this saying was never more clear to me than when I finished reading The Girls by Lori Lansens.  This book fascinated me because the main characters Ruby and Rose Darlen are craniopagus twins.  That means that they are conjoined at the head.

What I found most striking about this novel is how Lansens cleverly writes Ruby and Rose's story from each of their perspectives.  The novel takes the form of an autobiography that oscillates between the two sisters.  As you read, you put together the bits and pieces of the lives that these two girls lived.  Clues that are dropped by one sister are explained by the other.  Stories that are half told from one sister are clarified or sometimes made more complex by the other.

Although Rose and Ruby were often lumped together as one single person and nicknamed "the girls", they led two distinct lives side by side.  Even though they shared the same DNA and exact life experiences, they ended up having two very different experiences.

For me, this blew my mind. 

Even though the two girls share the exact same genetic makeup and have the exact same life experiences, which means that they have the same genetic predispositions and environmental influences, as they told their story they saw events in two entirely different ways.  Their perspectives were most certainly not the same.

In some cases, their perspectives were radically different.

But why?

Enter in, the power of perspective.

I've heard so many people complain about their life.  I helpfully respond by suggesting a different point of view or an alternative way to perceive the situation only to have them retort with an "easy for you to say" response.

To me that's a cop out.

Only you have control on how you see your life and look at the world.  And only you have the power to make the shift from victim to victor.

Imagine the power of a second chance at living your life?  No, not re-incarnation, but the same body and existence with the ability to experience it all differently.  The chance to step out of your reality and place yourself a new position.  Kind of like shifting from being Rose to being Ruby.

Your life would then be simultaneously the same and completely different all at once.

That my friends, is the power of perspective.

Trust Your Path and Keep Going with No Regrets

Ok folks, hold on.  I know there are some haters out there.  Yes, this next post is about a romance, not just any romance, a North Carolina, set by the ocean, during summer vacation, walks on the beach, love at first sight, improbable lovers, impossible odds, love letters, unexpected illness and yes folks, it all working out in the end (by the grace of God), Nicholas Sparks romance.

Did you barf a bit in your mouth?  Well if you did, I'm sorry.  That was not my plan.  But if you're still interested, please, read on.

There is something about Nicholas Sparks that people either love or hate.  His books tend to follow a pattern that brings the reader to a magical place of what might have been.  I've read a number of his books and Every Breath and A Walk to Remember are just two.  What is it about the love story that beats all odds?  I mean, any intelligent adult who's lived half a life can tell you it's not all roses.  So why should we buy into Sparks' cheesy romantic fantasy land?

Here's what I think: his stories are rooted in the common narrative of "what if"?  What if your first love really was your true love?  What if you made a bad choice and walked away from the best thing that ever happened to you?  What if you were never meant to leave that person after all? What if you were really meant to take the path less traveled?

Walking through the world Sparks creates in his novels makes us call into mind those first romances, first loves, first kisses, and first mistakes.  I know it sounds cheesy because honestly, I can give you a million reasons why that first love of mine was never going to work out (but if I'm going to be totally honest here, I sometime secretly wonder "what if...").

Although rooted in real life experiences so much about Sparks novels feel surreal and unrealistic.  I mean, how likely is it to meet a long lost love by leaving a letter 20 years late in a random mailbox called "Kindred Spirit" at the beach in North Carolina?

Come on.  Even I, a dreamer and believer in love, find it hard to believe.

But here's the thing; I think the reason why we are drawn to these kind of stories is because we are giving ourselves permission to step into something surreal yet possible.  While we are there we find bits and pieces of our own ordinary lives hidden in the details.

On another level, I think Sparks' romances are a safe way to revisit moments from our past that give us joy yet leave us feeling unsatisfied.  For me it's kind of like playing Candy Crush.  I find myself drawn to this stupid game, and to some extent I enjoy finding the hidden pufflers, beating cupcake Carls' sorry ass, or making 7 monklings before my moves run out, yet an hour will pass by and I'll find myself left feeling dissatisfied.  I recognize these feelings but I keep going back for more. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm addicted to the sugar rush?!

How many aspects of our lives give us some level of satisfaction yet leave us longing for more?

How often have you found yourself making a choice that's right in the moment but wrong in the long run?  How many times do you face the ripple effect of your choices and wonder how it all could have been different?  Or perhaps you may not want to change anything about your life but you secretly wonder how it all would have worked out if you had a second go?

What if you had 9 lives?  Would we still have regrets if we had unlimited chances for a do-over?

I think no matter what we do we will always find ourselves having regrets.

Always.

Because until you are happy and accept what you've got, you will always be looking for that path that you did not take.

Instead of looking back in regret, make the most of where life has taken you and the path you chose.

Because with every breath we have the opportunity to see life as full and fulfilling if only we decide to remember that path that we walked without doubting ourselves.

Trust your path and keep going with no regrets.

I promise you will find your way.