The Cream Always Rises (But Turds Also Float)

How many of you have found yourself in an unlikely shape because of the pressures from work, home, family, friends, or society?  How many of you feel unrecognizable as you struggle to make it through the day?

I know I have.

One very distinct memory comes to mind when I think about pressure and how it changed me.

It was in 2013 when I changed work locations (not entirely because I wanted to) and I found myself in a new building, with new colleagues, new courses to teach, new curriculum to figure out and no department members that knew the school, students or staff.  Both the department and the curriculum had been wiped clean like a blank slate and I found myself utterly alone and drowning the the amount of work that it takes to run a department pretty much alone and from scratch.

Looking back now, I realize that it was the most stressful work year of my life.

And the day I realized that the stress had changed me was when I was sitting in our basement office frantically working through yet another entire weekend just to complete lesson planning for the following week.   I remember it was a cloudy November afternoon and when my youngest daughter walked into the room (again) and tried to get my attention (again) I turned to her then tiny 3 year old body and barked "WHAT?!" after she tried to gain my attention.

Her response to me made me freeze in my tracks.

When she dropped her head, eyes downcast to the floor, shoulders slouch moving slowly away from me she whispered apologetically, "Sorry mommy..." in response.  That's when I knew something was deeply wrong.

Something had changed me.

In Allison Dickson's book The Other Mrs. Miller I was reminded of this moment when Wyatt said, "Pressure forces people into a lot of unlikely shapes."  It rang true to me and not only did I recognize this in myself but also in what's happening in the world right now.

We typically live a life so full of appointments, responsibilities, events, meetings and get togethers that it's all too easy for us to loose sight of ourselves and become misshapen.  Sometimes the pressures are situational and temporary - like my story of starting a new position at a new location.  As stressful as that year was, it eventually came to and end.

But often it's simply how we go on living our lives day to day that wreaks havoc on us.  We go about doting all the I's and crossing all the T's just so that we can say we're doing our part - but it ultimately makes us unrecognizable in the end.  It causes us to change shape and lose sight of who we are.

Even in terms of the characters in this book we see how quickly they become twisted and misshapen doing things that (at least to me) are absolutely inconceivable.  Even though this book made me question the goodness in people and the lengths people will go to get what they want in life, it was also interesting as I wanted to figure out how twisted and sick people can get.  It's far from any experience I've ever had but it spoke to the human experience of pressure wreaking havoc on one's life.

You'd think that as things get ugly one would stop and say, "NO.  This is not what I want in life."  But this book showed me that under pressure we change shape and don't necessarily do anything about it likely because we can get away with it.  As Phoebe's best friend Vicki points out, "The cream always rises.  But turds also float."

Why make a change if what you're doing is working for you in some way?

Let me ask you this my dear readers, when the pressure is on are you the cream or are you the turd?

Because now that some of the pressure is off and we're spending our time going to much fewer places, generally doing less things, and seeing less people, we have the capacity to make some change.

Many people are feeling the pressure of home-bound living, social distancing and self-isolation citing boredom and anxiety as their primary ailments but some are not.

Some, like me, are taking a careful look at who they are and how they live their lives.  Some people are taking this time to get back "in shape" now that the pressure is off.  Even though we've given up so much and lost so many of our freedoms, we have a chance to find ourselves again. 

Most notably I feel like now that the pressure is off I feel like I have the time to tune into what really matters to me the most.  To take care of those things that I truly care about and that are within my control.  It's given me this rare opportunity to live my life in a different shape.

What about you?  What shape do you find yourself in?

Some Literal And Figurative Spring Cleaning In The Weeks Ahead

I picked up State of the Union by Nick Hornby on the basis of a staff recommendation at my local public library.  It's a short novel that reads more like a play with its heavy use of dialogue and I plowed through it in one day (thanks to Covid-19, I had some time to kill).

From this book I'd like to share with you a short passage that I found to be insightful and thought provoking.  On page 89, as Louise and Ted meet again for a drink at a pub before going into their next marriage therapy session, they discuss the state of their marriage and what they can do about it:


""The trouble is, marriage is like a computer.  You can take it apart to see what's inside, but then you're left with a million pieces."

Louise sighs in despairing agreement, and then rallies.

"How about this?" she says.  "We shove the big bits back in, chuck the small ones away, close it up, and get on with things."

"But it won't work."

"It won't work, but it will look like a computer."

"Is that what you want?  A marriage that looks like a marriage? Even though it won't work?""


This passage really struck me.  The image of a marriage that looks like a marriage even though it doesn't work sounded all too familiar; not because my own marriage is a sham, but because I have seen how certain aspects of my life can become a hot mess if I don't care for them properly. When I think about this I think about my home, health, relationships, personal happiness, and self worth.  How much of my life has the appearance of being great to others but deep inside they are really just a mismatch of parts that don't exactly fit.

Come on guys, you know what I'm talking about, right?

Anything on your "one day I'm gonna..." list is what I'm really talking about here.  The things that are outta wack in your life and bug you but you simply haven't had the time or the energy to set them right.  The things that nag at you but you just live with because for all intents and purposes, everything looks OK from the outside, so why the hell not just continue on with the status quo?

Well now is the time to put the pieces back together (and not just shove them back in).

As we continue to face weeks of social distancing ahead of us, this is the ideal time for some tidying up.  I mean, of course clean out that closet that needs attention, but also consider the other areas of your life that have been a bit of a mess. Is this not a great opportunity to do some literal and figurative spring cleaning?

What ever your goals may be, is it not a great opportunity take your "computer" apart and figure out how to properly put it back together again (not just shove it into something that looks sort of right but in the end simply does not work)?

My dear readers, we can focus on the negativity of the pandemic or we can search for the goodness that is hiding behind it.  Can you see the silver lining behind all that we are all going through right now?

I can.

We will make it through the times ahead.  Making it through is all many of us can really do - get through and just get on with it.  But you my dear reader, can make it through and and do so much more than that.

Let's do a bit of spring cleaning.  Let's not just focus on literal cleaning up.  Let's look at it on a more figurative level.

Let's reexamine our values and goals and compare that to how we spend our time.  Let's try to re-connect to what really makes our hearts glad.  Let's focus our time on doing just that with the precious time we now have.

Let's come out of this social distancing wiser, stronger and more put together than we have ever have been before.  Not just so that we can look the part, but so we can make it all work properly too.

On the Outside Looking In

Have you ever felt like you’re on the outside looking in?

Alienation is something we've all had to deal with at one point or another.  We’ve all felt the sharp sting of of exclusion.  Of wanting to belong.  Of wanting to fit in.  Of wanting to be wanted.

Sometimes I feel like we’re all kind of on the outside looking in.  Kind of like we’re all just a big bunch of cool kids standing around in a circle facing each other; each one of us in aviator glasses.  You know, the kinds with the mirrored glass that makes it impossible to see what someone’s eyes look like?  All you get is a reflection of yourself whenever you approach someone wearing those glasses.

I literally wear aviator sunglasses quite often.  They’re my go to.  I’m super comfortable in them as my eyes are sensitive to light.  But I’m not comfortable when someone else is wearing them and I cannot look into their eyes.  I don’t like it when all I see is my own image staring back at me in the reflection.

The irony is that I love being hidden behind my glasses, but I'm not so comfortable when others are.

This image of mirrored aviator glasses is exactly what came to my mind when reading Jodi Picoult's book A Spark of Light.

As always, Jodi Picoult never fails to impress me.  I have read a number of her novels and deeply enjoy how she plays with narrative structure and A Spark of Light is no exception.  Even though the subject matter of this novel is highly contentious,  I admire how she manages to play with perspective, point of view, and chronology, gently urging the reader to come to their own conclusions about the subject matter.  What you are left with is a telling story about women, their personal histories, and their difficult choices.

In case you're curious, the contentious subject of this novel is abortion.

Brilliantly, Picoult sets up her novel so that both the characters and the reader are on the outside looking in.  Like, literally looking in.  They are looking in on an emergency situation of a gunman seeking revenge at an abortion clinic.  And as it stated multiple times in the book, the clinic literally has tinted glass that allows them to look out the windows but doesn't allow anyone to look in.

This is where the image of the aviator glasses comes into play.  Like with the tinted lenses of the glasses, the characters can see out to the world, but others cannot to look into what's going on inside the clinic.

Isn't life so often like that?

Is it true that we are always looking out into the world but we can't always see?  We often will simply see a reflection of ourselves, our filters, and our bias instead.

In this novel it's as if Picoult is not only showing you a reflection of yourself and your values, but she also challenges you to see the characters, their histories and their values even if it makes you uncomfortable.  The discomfort can stem from the aspects of yourself that you can identify with as you are given insight into each character.

If we were to allow ourselves to truly and deeply see and understand others, wouldn't it always be like that? Isn’t it always the case that if we allow ourselves to truly and deeply take the time to get to know one another that we would get the chance to see ourselves reflection in them?   To see the humanity in them?

Perhaps we're not always on the outside looking in.  If we are willing to see and be seen by others, if we remove the mirrored glasses, how much more kind and caring could we be to one another?  How much more impact would we have on others in this world?

Let's move from staying on the outside looking in, to looking in and looking out for each other instead.

Feminism Is Not A Dirty Word

Walking through a high school you may (or may not) be surprised by how many times you'll hear the f-word on a daily basis.  What's most remarkable is how versatile the world is and the many ways it can be conjugated.  Whether a noun, verb, adjective, or adverb it is ubiquitous and a central part of teen culture as it naturally rolls off the tongues of youth.

But not all f-words are as well used or as dirty as the one I hear in the hallways everyday.  The f-word that I wish I did hear more often (and choose to bring up here in this post) is one that can make people cringe but isn't used nearly enough.

It's feminism.

I just finished reading We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.  This is a very short printed version of her December 2012 TEDx Euston  talk.  If you're interested in watching her talk, here is the link:  https://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_ngozi_adichie_we_should_all_be_feminists?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

This tiny book, based on her 30 minute talk was worth reading.  It pointed out that there are some conversations that are difficult to have. That people can get irritable, uncomfortable or threatened by certain subjects. It reminded me that there are some things we simply cannot dismiss. That we cannot resist some topics because we must change the status quo.

Talking about subjects like gender inequality and sexism is difficult but necessary.  Standing up for what's right is hard.  But if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

This past weekend we celebrated International Women's Day.  Yesterday many of us reached out to all the women in our lives and shared our love for one another.

Dear reader, who is it that you love?  What is it that you stand for?  What are you willing to fight for?  Who are you willing to defend?  Will your observance of International Women's Day go beyond simply sending a text message to the ladies in your life or are you willing to do something more?

I know times have changed and we have come a long way since the times of our mothers and grandmothers.  But as Adichie points out, culture does not make people.  People are the ones making culture.  In what ways are you shaping the culture that you live in into what you want it to be?  In what ways are you shaping this world for women everywhere?

Let's not be passive and just send a text.  Let's make change one step at a time for the sake of all women and all humanity.

For f's sake, let's remember that feminism is not a dirty word.

Are You Willing To Pay The Price?

Sometimes I find myself rereading books that I have already read.  Sometimes it's because: a) I really loved it and want to reread that book and enjoy it a second time, b) I feel like I need a second read to fully absorb what the book had to say, and c) I completely forgot that I had read it in the first place (oops!).

When it came to Robert T. Kiyosaki's Rich Dad's Guide to Becoming Rich I must admit that it was a little bit of option b) and c).  First of all I honestly and completely forgot that I had read this book (come on, it was book #35 out of 71 books that I read in 2019...can you forgive me for forgetting?) and secondly, I really needed a second reading to truly be able to make sense of what I wanted to get out of the book.

As you can imagine Rich Dad's Guide to Becoming Rich has to do with financial management.  This, if you know me at all, is not something I am passionate about.  I mean I'd love to be rich but I'm not really into learning all about it how to do it (dumb, I know).  If I'm going to be completely honest here, if I never had to think about financial management ever again in my life, I wouldn't feel any sense of loss.  I am not passionate about it and honestly, I don't feel like I'm good at it so of course (what do we do when we feel insecure?) I kind of, sort of, (ok fine) almost totally, try to completely avoid it if I can.

But you and I both know that avoiding financial management is a recipe for disaster.  I know that I need to smarten up and get more financially literate.  So in true character, I went out and read a book about it.  Actually as I already admitted, I read a book TWICE about it.

As I read this book for the second time I could distinctly remember the narrative portion of the book.  The little stories that Kiyosaki told to illustrate his points clicked with me and I remembered them well.  But a lot of the advice specific to financial management felt like I had never heard at all.  Like it was completely new information.

Yikes!

I believe that when we're uncomfortable with something in life, even if we want to make a positive change about it, we have to take a deep breath and then move forward in baby steps.  We need to start in the shallow end and then work our way into the deep.  We need to stay within a comfortable zone so that we can move in the right direction and not drown on the spot.

Consider someone who is sedentary who wants to become fit - should they start by training for a marathon or should they start by getting up and walking to the mailbox?

For me, reading the book a second time helped me identify what I have been doing, the small changes to my finances that I have already made, and some potential changes that are in my future.  It's not like I got nothing out of the first read of the book; it helped me make some changes that were akin to walking to the mailbox.  For someone who's not into financial management there was only so much I could take in the first time around.  This time around, I got quite a lot more out of it.

I admit that I've had to get up and walk to the mail box when it comes to financial literacy.  I'm no where near a marathon and I'm not ashamed to admit it.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses and money management isn't my forte.  But if I'm willing to make a change, to learn, to do something different, then to me it's not a weakness; it's an area for improvement.

Financial literacy is one of my areas of improvement and I'm glad I read this book because it offered some great advice that applies not only to wealth building goals, but also to life building goals.

Don't we all have areas in our lives that need a change?  Are you looking to make an improvement?

Well I am.

After reading Rich Dad's Guide to Becoming Rich I realized that the key messages about financial management apply to almost any aspect of life you you're looking to change.

For example, how many of you feel like you're somehow a failure?  You've failed in your marriage, you've failed in your health, you've failed as a parent, you've failed at your job - the list can go on and on.

This book taught me that failure is a verb not a noun.  In fact, I say this to my students all the time.  We so often fail at something (verb) and then consider ourselves a failure (noun).  But that is not true.  The only true fail is when we don't even give something a chance.  As the great Wayne Gretzky said, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

So many of us want to change areas in our lives that we feel we fail at but are we willing to get up and just do it.  Are you willing to do what it takes?  Are you willing to pay the price?

This book points out that in order to achieve something you need get going and pay the price.  Actually not just pay the price, but pay twice the price.

Want to get fit?  Not only do you need to pay the price by going to the gym, but you also need to Pay the price of eating healthier too.  Want to excel at your job?  For me, to be a better teacher for kids who struggle I can't just work on pedagogy and curriculum. I also have to know what it means to be a student who struggles and what the experience of sitting in a classroom is like for them. That's paying twice the price.

To get good at something we have to be willing to do the hard work that's required to get us there.  What's the hard work that you need to do in order to achieve your goals?  What is the price you have to pay?  Are you willing to pay it twice?

Whatever your goal just get moving.  Kiyosaki uses Newton's laws to make his point.  Not only do they make sense in terms of building weath, but they also work beautifully with achieving any goal.

How do you get started on making a change in life?  The answer: you need to get moving.  Consider Newton's law that you need a force to set something in motion.  Then, once in motion a body will stay in motion.  If you make no move for a change, a body a rest stays at rest.

To achieve your goals you need to interrupt the patterns of behavior that keep perpetuating the situation you are trying to change.  Get up off the couch and start walking.  Stop yelling at your kids and use deep breathing to control your frustration.  Stop buying stuff you don't need and put some money away each week.  Once you get moving you can then continue in that direction.  If you never start, you'll never get going.

I cannot think of a single behavior that cannot be interrupted by making a small change.  Both your action and inaction matter.

Yes, it might be hard.  Yes you might need to pay the price, but isn't reaching your goal worth it?

Kiyosaki points out that "You can become rich by being cheap, but the problem is that although you are rich, you are still cheap".  Really folks, at the end of the day if you try to achieve your goals by avoiding your problems, at the end of the day even though you've achieved your goals, you still have problems.  Nothing really changes.

Take charge to make a change and achieve your goals.  Building wealth in your life is about more than just money; it's about being willing to pay the price to achieve your life goals whatever they may be.