What is it that we are afraid of most in living life?
What is it that we are afraid of most in dying?
These two questions seem unrelated, but recently, thanks to a daily meditation in Mark Nepo's The Book of Awakening, I was able to consider how profoundly interrelated and intertwined these two questions are. Before reading on, take a moment to reflect and answer each one individually.
For me, the answer to these questions wasn't hard to determine. My greatest fear in life is not being good enough; not measuring up, not being enough, or not fulfilling someone's expectations. The crazy thing is that I know that I have value and worth, but time and time again I find this fear creeping up on me. Who, where, and when this arises from is something I'm still working on, but I suspect I know already. But that, my dear reader, will be fodder for a future post!
As for what I fear most in dying—something that, although I am young and healthy and have no plans of leaving this earth soon, is also easy—I am terrified that I will leave my loved ones behind and that they will be devastated and unable to manage or fill the void. I fear that I will not have left behind a legacy that will allow my loved ones to move forward with power, conviction, kindness, empathy, and creativity. In particular, this fear is most greatly tied to leaving my daughters behind when it's time for me to go. Why I have this fear is not something I'm too aware of—of course any daughter would miss her mother upon her passing, but why this fear of inadquately equipping them to be on their own one day is one that tugs at my heart, I am unsure.
As for why these two questions matter, well, that's where things get interesting. What if I told you that these seemingly unrelated questions are, in fact, pointing us in the same direction?
Just take a good look at my response (or perhaps you may be feeling brave enough to look at your own). What is it that the two responses have in common? For me, the word that binds my fear in life and my fear in death is inadequacy.
Crazy.
They are one and the same.
What now?
What if, instead of living with this fear in life and in death, we just let it go? Can you imagine what life would feel like without this greatest fear? What would my life look like if I were to leave the fear of inadequacy behind? Or if not leave it behind, at least wear it like a loose-fitting garment instead of a second skin? How liberating!
For me, even just the mere thought of living without the fear of inadequacy lifts a weight I didn't even know I had off my soul.
What a transformative thought.
What is the common thread between your fears? Can you pull at the string and unravel some of the tightness and suffocation of living with it?
Dare to live in freedom from fear. Dare to confront it. Dare to live more fully. Dare to enter a new way of living and dying. Fully and completely.
Don't just live to die.
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