Too Much of Not Enough

 You have loved me since before I even existed

You have nurtured me with all of your heart

And provided for me in every way that you knew how

You saw yourself reflected in the bright blue of our eyes

The rosiness of our matching cheeks

I am a reflection of you in a frosted mirror

I hide under the cape of your care and the security of your embrace

Yet I feel unseen and misunderstood

I exist as a whirl of emotions that sometimes feels like too much

My ways are not fitting inside your box of logic and reason

My creativity roars and longs for an outlet 

I live in the shadow of your dreams 

The misunderstood black sheep of the family 

Carving my own path being my only sin 

I have spent countless times wondering if I’m good enough 

Not seeing my own value and unique abilities

I have spent years trying to measure up 

The imaginary meter stick illuding me at every turn 

Trying to achieve the thing that will make me acceptable

Trying to fit into that box of the ordinary

Rather than allow myself to be extraordinary

But I don’t blame you because you are who you are 

We all have our limits

We all have our own worldview

We all have our own twisted history

But from my perspective 

I’ve experienced a lifetime of being dearly loved

But only in parts

Only the bits and pieces that make sense to you

For me to be able to move on, I need to acknowledge our truth

To see you and I exactly as we are

Fully and finally letting go of what I never actually had

Before I am forced to let you go forever as I know that I eventually will

That day will forever come sooner than I want

I have had to mourn the loss of the relationship I wish we had

The one where I could go to you to say any thing

Do anything

Be anything 

Believe me when I say that I have tried to curate what we could be for so many years 

only to face the stubborn wall that has keept us apart

I am simultaneously exactly who you’d like me to be 

And everything you can’t understand

I will always feel like not enough and yet too much

I will always be your daughter

And you will always be the mother that I love in all the wrong ways

If it comes let it come, if it stays let it stay, if it goes let it go.

Recently, a dear friend of mine shared the news that she had decided to put an end to a long and difficult marriage.  It pained me to listen to the hurt in her voice as she told me what she had been secretly going through.

Sadly, she is not the first nor is she the last of my friends to find herself in this position.

As she spoke there was part of me that felt deeply sad for her as I'm certain that she entered her marriage with every intention to make it work and build a lifetime of family memories with her spouse.  As she spoke, I processed that this was a profound loss for her.

On the other hand, when I listened more carefully to what she was saying I was happy for her because I understood how much courage, self-worth, and self-love it took for her to finally stand up for herself and demand more from life.

I carried this happy sadness in my heart for quite some time after speaking to her.  I felt deeply emotional.  I realized in that moment how much I define myself in terms of being married; in terms of being part of a whole.  I realized that I consider my walk through life as a journey that is walked hand in hand with someone else.

Interestingly enough the day my dear friend told me about the end of her marriage I happened to be in the middle of reading Nicholas Sparks' novel Two By Two.  To tell you this is also to tell you that it was as is art were imitating life.  Two By Two is about a man going through one of life's greatest ordeals: separation, divorce and the loss of his best friend and sister.  So much of what my friend was telling me was reflected in the book that it was uncanny.

From this novel I was able to share what I thought was an excellent piece of advice with my friend.  As the main character Russell Green is contending with the onslaught of emotions after his wife leaves him he is given some very sage advice, "If it comes let it come, if it stays let it stay, if it goes let it go".

I couldn't agree more and as I shared this with my friend she shook her head in agreement with tears in her eyes.

We all experience loss and let downs in life.  Whether it is a marriage falling apart, a friend betraying you, a job loss, a loved one being diagnosed with a terminal illness or even the loss of a cherished pet, we've all felt deep despair as the anger, fear, hurt and disappointment set in. Whatever feelings come your way it's ok.  If life brings you great joy or great loss, it's ok.  If something is taken away from you it's ok. 

You will find your way.

I know it.

This is because even in the face of loss we are not lost.  Even if, like my dear friend, you are facing the end of life as you know it, the dreams you had built up since you were a little girl, and the love and hope you had for your marriage, you are not lost because you are not alone.

Two by Two taught me that although we tend to build our lives around our spouses, they are not the entirety of who we are.  In any relationship we are only ever a partial version of ourselves.  We have a number of different versions of ourselves that we inhabit from day to day, from relationship to relationship.

These versions take the form of wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, colleague and friend.

When we take into consideration all of these ways of existing it is obvious that we are not just one thing.  We don't cease to exist even if one of our identities suddenly comes to an end.  We don't stop being who we are just because our place in this world is changed.

Now you might feel that some changes in our lives screw with everything.  That all is lost.  But know that you simply have to turn to the other people in your life who help make you whole.  Don't walk alone.  Switch partners as you need to.  Reach out and grab someone's hand.  Call upon those people in your life who will hold you up when you're ready to fall.

I know you can do this.

I know you will get through this.