Think Like the Dying for a Life That's Worth Living

I'm in the process of growing some ideas about my career and where I see my future headed.  The crazy thing is that the more I open my heart, mind and soul to the possibility of doing something that really and truly makes me happy the more I've finding possibilities opening up before me.  

Although I'm not really ready to leave my career, I know that I can't do this forever; one, because I'm due to retire at some point and am simply looking foward to a change, and two, because this field has changed so fundamentally that I don't know if I want to be part of what it's becomming.

That being said, even though change in inevitable and I'm sure to enter a different chapter in my life at some point, I'm seeking ways to start laying the foundation for that future and redirecting my time towards the things that bring me great joy and will nourish my soul.  I don't want to find myself retiring with no idea of what I want to do with myself.

I know teaching has been a calling for me and that ultimately it is the life that I wanted; but if I'm being honest it's also the life that was expected of me based on society and based on my parents' expectations.  They are great parents and wanted me to have a secure job with great benefits and a pension.  That makes sense.  And I really and truly appreciate this part of my reality.  But did it lead me to the job that I really and truly in my heart of hearts wanted?

I dunno.

In Bronnie Ware's The Top Five Regrets of The Dying she shares inspirational life lessons that most people only come to learn on their death beds.  Here they all are in a nutshell:

Live the life YOU want.

Don't work so hard.

Allow yourself to have fun.

Stay in touch with friends.

Do not be afraid to express your true emotions.

So here I am thinking about what my future may hold and how I might be able to build more joy into an education system that has made me deeply, deeply unhappy since the start of the pandemic.  Don't get me wrong, I know that change can be good but the changes that were made were forced upon us and the end result left the classroom a dead husk of what it once was.  We need time to rebuild and reconsider what we're doing and to turn our faces away from screens and back towards one antoher's beautiful faces.

Becuase of where I am in my life and the state of education I'm asking myself if I'm living the life that I want?  Why am I working so hard 18 years into being a teacher (yes I know it's because I care but it's also becuase the system was turned into a shit show).  I'm asking myself, what do I do to really have fun, both in my personal life and while I'm at work.  What do I really and truly emjoy and how can I include that regularly in my life?

With the exception of my first year of teaching, the year the entire curriculum changed (and I changed schools at the same time), the pandemic was, by far one of the most challenging times in my career.  I worked so damn hard and the worst part is that I ended each day having felt like a failure.  This is because we aren't meat to grow up behind a screen.  We don't always learn best from a video or a document or a website.  The pervasive feeling of failure was hard to swallow and lead me to a very dark point in my life.

But since then, I've focused on enjoying life and having fun.  I've focused on reconnecting with old friends (whom, by the way were all so glad to hear from me and to this day contine to chat or meet regularly).  That has been a balm to my soul.  I've always known the importance of friends but I wasn't until I had lost touch with many of them that I realized what I was truly missing.

All of this I was doing without having read Ware's book.  Pretty incredible that I was led down this path through self reflection, meditation, and therapy in my 40s!

My last effort is in regards to beign brave enough to express how I truly feel.  I'm getting better and better at this.  Specifically when it comes to discussing mental health and what I've learned through therapy.  Funny enough I've noticed that my openness to my feelings and experiences can sometimes make peopel quite uncomfortable.  But I've come to learn that this discomfort is short lived and often helps others open up.  By being brave enough to show up emotionally, you'd be surprized how it makes space and inspires other to do the same.

What can you do to live your life to the fullest?  Are you living the life you truly want for yourself?  Do you have enough fun or are you working too much?  Are you connected with your friends?  Are you expressing your emotions and sharing how you truly feel?

Please!  Don't want until it's too late!  Don't end your life looking in the rearview mirror wishing you had done things differently.  Start rethinking your life now and build it so that you can live a joyful, peaceful, and enlightened life NOW! 

Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

I began this post quite some time ago after reading Ogre Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine.  I made a few notes about the book but then wasn't able to write about it for a couple of reasons.  I hate to blame the pandemic because I feel like I've been blaming the pandemic for a lot of things lately, but the truth is the pandemic really did shake things up for me.  

Firstly, work suddenly became highly computer based which led to me clocking an insane number of hours sitting in front of the computer.  And as a result I learned that I am not built for a desk job!  After sitting chained to my desk all day the thought of sitting in front of the computer to write this blog was something I simply couldn't stomach.  Secondly, my mind was so ensnared in the worry and anxiety of the pandemic that not only did I read less, but day by day I felt that I had less and less to contribute in terms of meaningful communications and connections between the books I was reading and the world around me.  The world was turned upside down and I didn't recognize the life I was living nor could I even recognize who I had become while living it it.  

I get that we did what we had to do in order to keep ourselves and one another safe but in doing so my world became unrecognizable to me and as a result I became unrecognizable to myself.  Nearly all of the things that inspired me and brought me the greatest joy slowly disappeared and the woman I was so proud to be quietly eroded away.  

The impact social isolation had on me did not hit home until too late into the process. I suspect my focus on fear and anxiety during the pandemic blinded me from that.

As a result my willing letting go of so many things that made me who I am over 2020 and 2021 unwittingly transformed me without my knowledge.  I became someone I quite literally didn't recognize in the mirror and honestly, I had no idea how I got there. 

This idea of transformation is exactly what Levine's Ogre Enchanted is about.  Evie is transformed into an Ogre against her will and she is forced to navigate the world as a hideous monstrous best.  The novel points out that we can exist on two sides and that we need to accept ourselves for who we are.  That we need to not only love ourselves but love others as well regardless of circumstances.

How perfectly timed the insights this book are as I reflect on my not so positive pandemic transformation.  Here I am now reflecting on who I was, who I became and who I want to be.  

The strange thing is that I've been pitting my pre-pandemic self up against the post pandemic self thinking they are two different versions of me.  But the truth is that they are simply two side of the same coin.  

One side is the self confident, passionate, positive and outgoing productive go getter who is surrounded by family, friends, music, culture, and creativity and the other side is the introspective, introverted, self-reflective, self-critical, anxious and self doubting version of me that has grown out of too much social isolation.

I often think that both versions of me can't exist at the same time.  But the truth is that they can and they are just two sides of the same old me.  

At first this freaked me out because this makes we wonder who I really am?  

Can I be more than one thing at the same time?  

I supposed I can!

Just like a diamond, we are all multifaceted.  And that is what makes us beautiful. So if ever you look in the mirror and feel like you're lost or that you don't recognize who you've become, remember that you are just you and that this is just one part of who you really are.  No one thing or version of yourself  can fully define you.

And when the pressure is on and life has got you down remember that diamonds are simply carbon put under pressure.  It's the pressure that brings out the diamond's strength, luster and beauty.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, then girl (or whomever you are), be your own best friend and love yourself and all the parts of you that are brilliant, radiant and beautiful.

As We Count Down The Days, Make Today Count

There are so many things that have come to an end because of social distancing and Covid-19.  Many of us are no longer going to work, attending school, driving to practices, shopping at the mall or visiting with family and friends.  All of these things signal an end to how we were living our lives prior to the pandemic.  How long we will continue like this and what will remain fundamentally altered forever is outside of our ability to know.  So much is uncertain.

But one certainty, if I'm being totally honest here, is that much of what has come to an end has made me sad; especially spending time with my family and friends.  There is a certain longing for the way things used to be.  There is a desire to reconnect with those who I was once in constant contact with in my normal day to day life.  And yet, as these weeks at home turn into months, the strangeness of being isolated at home is starting to feel like a new normal and a strange new calm is washing over me.

At first I wasn't fully understanding what was happening to me.  Then, as I was reading Sarah Dessen's Saint Anything, I had a realization thanks to the main character Sydney.  It is when Sydney states, “For most of us, once something was busted, it was game over. I would have loved to know how it felt, just once, to have something fall apart and see options instead of endings.”

Because of Covid-19 the life we once knew has come to a swift ending.  Perhaps this end is not forever, but at least it is ended for time time being.  But, if you're like me, instead of seeing an ending as being "game over", these times of self isolation and social distancing that we are now facing are actually giving us so many options.  

- Instead of running the kids off to skating practice several times a week I'm going for regular bike rides with my children in the newly quiet street of our neighborhood.

- Instead of frantically trying to fit the laundry, cooking and cleaning into my already packed schedule, I'm washing less laundry, exploring new delicious recipes and cleaning nooks and crannies that never seem to get enough of my time.

- Instead of rushing off to work for hours on end, I'm balancing work and home life in a way I've never had the chance to experience before.

- Instead of missing out on what my kids are learning each day, I am now facilitating their learning both online and in authentic learning experiences.

- Instead of rushing through the day and barely squeezing in "me time", I bare getting through the day by focusing on "me time".

So much what has come to and end has allowed for new opportunities in my life.  

No one knows just how long things are going to be the way they are but what we can do is make the most of things by living each day to it's fullest.  Stop focusing on what you're missing out on but instead look at what this pandemic time is allowing for.  

The day I was ready to write this post I received this quote in my inbox (I've been getting Insight Of The Day quotes for years) and I couldn't help but smile thinking that there was a power out there far greater than I could ever imagine when I read it: 



No matter how long this social isolation lasts, find ways to tap into this newly found precious time.  Make each day count.  Try a new recipe.  Call up an old friend.  Spend some quality time with yourself and your loved ones. 

Make today count as we count down the days to getting back to life as we once knew it.

More Than Just a Label, More Than Just a Dreamer

There are times in my life when I ask myself, do I really know who I am?  I mean seriously, how much of my self concept is shaped by who I truly know myself to be, versus who I think I am?

Do I have a true self?

Or, am I merely a reflection of who I think others think I am?

In 2015 when I suffered a concussion that took forever to go away I had plenty of time to contemplate life as I recovered.  As I lay there in a dark and quiet room trying to unscramble my concussed brain, I started to ask myself some deep questions.  I started to examine my life.

Am I where I want to be?  Am I who I wish to be?  Is my life a reflection of who I am, my talents and my values?  Or am I merely living a reflection of what I believe is expected of me?

Have you ever wondered about this?  Does this resonate with you?

In See Me by Nicholas Sparks both the main characters end up living a life that is in line with what they thought others expected from them.  It's only when they finally let go of their pasts and the expectations of others that they finally break free.  They are then able to tap into their true selves and talents.  It is only then that they discover who they really are.

When I read this book it made me wonder in what ways I have shaped my life around others peoples' expectations and labels.  I wondered if I have shaped my life the way that I have simply because I believed it was what was expected of me.

Time for a little story...

Growing up I was considered the black sheep of my nuclear family.  Although I knew it wasn't really true, I took that label to heart thinking that there was something inherently "other" about me simply because the path I took, the dreams I had, and some of the choices I had made were not consistent with what others had in mind for me.  Honestly, I know I'm no black sheep; perhaps I'm a bit of a shade of grey, but certainly I'm no black sheep!

Perhaps this label stemmed from the fact that I'm a pretty creative person.  In fact, sometimes I'm a bit of a dreamer.  You'll catch me exclaiming "I have a vision!" and then describe some wild plan for something that I envision to be cool, beautiful, special, or unique.  I am creative and imaginative and I tend to follow my gut knowing that things can often work out even without a perfect plan.  Sometimes my imagination and creativity can result in amazing things and sometimes my dreams fizzle and die.

I know that sometimes my dreams are a bit wack and that others may not get them.  I also get that some of my ideas go nowhere.  In truth, creativity is easier to dream up than to execute and not everyone gets my vision.

Most recently I've had to let go of a dream that I've held deep in my heart.  A vision that I've had for me and my family. 

Most people don't know that I've always dreamed of doing a big family trip to Portugal to reunite the family that my parents created here in Canada with the family that they had to leave behind when they immigrated from Portugal.  This year, being the year of my parent's 50th anniversary was the year I envisioned to be the year for this dream to finally come true.

I mean honestly, no one is getting any younger here and what better reason to make this dream come true than to do it in honor of my parent's 50 year long marriage?

However, my dream will not become a reality.  This is my dream and and mine alone.  My mother is not interested. Her dream for commemorating her 50th is fundamentally different and doesn't include a big trip.

If I'm being 100% honest I get it.  It's her anniversary not mine.  Yet I can't help but feel sad because to me a family trip like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Think about it...

Wouldn't it be amazing to go back to the chapel where my parents got married 50 years ago and recreate that special moment when they first said "I do"?  Wouldn't it be grand to go back to the banquet hall where they had their reception and take a photo in the same exact place where they ceremoniously cut their cake - this time surrounded by their children, sons in law and grand daughters?

Unfortunately, my mother's dream for her 50th does not include any of that.  The truth is my mother and I think differently.  We always have.  And although I respect her choice to celebrate in a way that is in line with her vision and values, I cannot help but feel a loss.  A loss for this dream which first began in my teenage years.  A loss for an opportunity which I feel we will never again have.  A loss for having a vision that didn't inspire others.

This story is a perfect example of my dreamer like tendancy.  I suppose it's the "black sheep" in me that dreams up these scheme.  It also serves as a reminder of the many times that I was called "a dreamer" with a slight disapproving yet amused shake of the head.  I can hear my mother's voice echo through my past saying, "only you Raquel, would come up with an idea like that".

That label of being an unrealistic dreamer is one that I still carry around with me.

And because of that label I have spent years considering myself a dreamer but no a doer.  I never saw myself as actually doing anything with my dreams.  Before I started my personal journey in 2015 to make my life a juicy, joyful and awesome existence, I found myself constantly dreaming of what my life could be like and found myself wishing for more.  Wishing for “one day”.

I could imagine my life differently but I didn't think that I could actually do it.

Has this ever happened to you?

The problem with labels is that they tend to stick.  So in by being called a dreamer I thought that's all I'd ever be.  Someone with great imagination and creativity that just dreamed things up but never made anything actually happen.  Now I know that I'm much more than that.

I know my dreams are not anyone else's and that I cannot make anyone do anything that they're not wanting to do.  I know that shouldn't stop me from continuing to be creative.  Because in my visions are great ideas that could inspire others.  This blog is one of those dreams that my family might say is nuts but who knows - there must be something good that will come of it, no?

I want to live my life achieving and fulfilling my dreams.  I don't want to just have creative ideas that fizzle and die.  I want to live a creative life.

I want to look at my life and be able to say that today is that day that I am living for me.  This life is the life that I want.  Today is the day that I am living my life as I envision it; not a life that lies in the confines of the labels that others choose to give me.

I am more than just a dreamer.  I am a dreamer who is dreaming up and creating an inspiring life that will leave a mark on this world.

Black sheep or not I'm just going to go ahead and do it.  I will not wait for "one day" for it to happen.  Because I honestly believe that one day is today.

Trust Your Path and Keep Going with No Regrets

Ok folks, hold on.  I know there are some haters out there.  Yes, this next post is about a romance, not just any romance, a North Carolina, set by the ocean, during summer vacation, walks on the beach, love at first sight, improbable lovers, impossible odds, love letters, unexpected illness and yes folks, it all working out in the end (by the grace of God), Nicholas Sparks romance.

Did you barf a bit in your mouth?  Well if you did, I'm sorry.  That was not my plan.  But if you're still interested, please, read on.

There is something about Nicholas Sparks that people either love or hate.  His books tend to follow a pattern that brings the reader to a magical place of what might have been.  I've read a number of his books and Every Breath and A Walk to Remember are just two.  What is it about the love story that beats all odds?  I mean, any intelligent adult who's lived half a life can tell you it's not all roses.  So why should we buy into Sparks' cheesy romantic fantasy land?

Here's what I think: his stories are rooted in the common narrative of "what if"?  What if your first love really was your true love?  What if you made a bad choice and walked away from the best thing that ever happened to you?  What if you were never meant to leave that person after all? What if you were really meant to take the path less traveled?

Walking through the world Sparks creates in his novels makes us call into mind those first romances, first loves, first kisses, and first mistakes.  I know it sounds cheesy because honestly, I can give you a million reasons why that first love of mine was never going to work out (but if I'm going to be totally honest here, I sometime secretly wonder "what if...").

Although rooted in real life experiences so much about Sparks novels feel surreal and unrealistic.  I mean, how likely is it to meet a long lost love by leaving a letter 20 years late in a random mailbox called "Kindred Spirit" at the beach in North Carolina?

Come on.  Even I, a dreamer and believer in love, find it hard to believe.

But here's the thing; I think the reason why we are drawn to these kind of stories is because we are giving ourselves permission to step into something surreal yet possible.  While we are there we find bits and pieces of our own ordinary lives hidden in the details.

On another level, I think Sparks' romances are a safe way to revisit moments from our past that give us joy yet leave us feeling unsatisfied.  For me it's kind of like playing Candy Crush.  I find myself drawn to this stupid game, and to some extent I enjoy finding the hidden pufflers, beating cupcake Carls' sorry ass, or making 7 monklings before my moves run out, yet an hour will pass by and I'll find myself left feeling dissatisfied.  I recognize these feelings but I keep going back for more. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm addicted to the sugar rush?!

How many aspects of our lives give us some level of satisfaction yet leave us longing for more?

How often have you found yourself making a choice that's right in the moment but wrong in the long run?  How many times do you face the ripple effect of your choices and wonder how it all could have been different?  Or perhaps you may not want to change anything about your life but you secretly wonder how it all would have worked out if you had a second go?

What if you had 9 lives?  Would we still have regrets if we had unlimited chances for a do-over?

I think no matter what we do we will always find ourselves having regrets.

Always.

Because until you are happy and accept what you've got, you will always be looking for that path that you did not take.

Instead of looking back in regret, make the most of where life has taken you and the path you chose.

Because with every breath we have the opportunity to see life as full and fulfilling if only we decide to remember that path that we walked without doubting ourselves.

Trust your path and keep going with no regrets.

I promise you will find your way.