I thank my eldest daughter for recommending Jason Reynolds' Long Way Down. This story, expertly written in prose was an eye opener for me. Just one look at the back and you know what it's about.
It's about beef.
No, not a cow.
Beef — as in having a problem with someone or something.
Yup, you've been there. You've had your fair share of beef. Some of you live life at the beef buffet filling your plates and feeling miserable every step of the way.
You know who you are. You feel that life is not fair. That you've been mistreated. That you cannot trust. That you've been wronged.
So then you look to what Reynolds calls "the rules". These are the spoken or unspoken rules of how to live through the bullshit you've experienced so that you can get over it. Primarily, it has to do with ignoring how you are really feeling and finding a way to get vengeance.
But let me tell you something; at at end of the day all of "the rules" we abide by are bullshit.
At the end of the day when you lay down your head it does not matter if you've had a hard go or if you've gotten ripped off or if you got back at someone. What really matters is if you can lay down your head with a clear conscience knowing that you did the right thing (not the "rule" thing).
Did you treat the people in your life right? Did you practice self love? Did you see the humanity in the person in front of you? Did you make the people in your life glad, smile, comfortable, or feel loved even if those moments were merely fleeting?
That's doing the right thing. That's something you can feel proud of.
You will come across many “rules” in life. Expectations and demands that may get the better of you. Feeling defeated, exhausted and overworked we can often feel angry and cheated and the "rules" are tempting. We can feel like pushing our true feelings aside in search of vengeance.
But you are the person that you have to face in the mirror when you wake up the next day.
At the end of the day can you stand looking at yourself in the mirror? Are you proud of who you are and the choices you've made? You cannot control other people but you sure as hell can control yourself.
Be the person you wish to see staring back at you. Even at your worst moments choose love above all else. Choose that which makes you and others feel good. Because the bullshit of life will come calling and you need to know when to call it bullshit so that you don’t end up some place you’d rather not be.
This is hard to do because we often get stuck. We get stuck so we get angry. We get stuck so we get back at that someone or something. We get stuck and there you are...still stuck. Nothing changes.
You need to end the cycle.
End the cycle of anger, jealousy, guilt, aggression, ignorance, and self hate. End the sexism, racism, class-ism, able-ism or whatever isms that have you trapped and seeking vengeance.
Instead of passing on the beef from one generation to the next, just "pass" on the beef entirely.
Fill your plate with what feeds your soul and gives your life real meaning.
Because the rest is all bullshit.
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
Sunday, February 23, 2020
The Power of Perspective
What if I told you that the life you are living today is a construction of your imagination?
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your life is imaginary and that no one else can see it. What I'm saying is that everything that you think to be true is only true because you think it to be. That the reality of your life's events are entirely based on how you decided to see things.
It's your version — your perception.
Does this freak you? Do you think I'm nuts?
Or, does this make you feel incredibly powerful?
Gustav Flaubert said, "There is no truth. There is only perception". When I first heard this quoted by a dear colleague of mine I remember blowing her off thinking, what the hell is she talking about? There are certain things in this world that we know to be right or wrong, true or false. To be honest I thought she was a bit nuts at the time.
But then I got to thinking...
Maybe there's some truth to the idea that there is no reality, only perception.
The truth of this saying was never more clear to me than when I finished reading The Girls by Lori Lansens. This book fascinated me because the main characters Ruby and Rose Darlen are craniopagus twins. That means that they are conjoined at the head.
What I found most striking about this novel is how Lansens cleverly writes Ruby and Rose's story from each of their perspectives. The novel takes the form of an autobiography that oscillates between the two sisters. As you read, you put together the bits and pieces of the lives that these two girls lived. Clues that are dropped by one sister are explained by the other. Stories that are half told from one sister are clarified or sometimes made more complex by the other.
Although Rose and Ruby were often lumped together as one single person and nicknamed "the girls", they led two distinct lives side by side. Even though they shared the same DNA and exact life experiences, they ended up having two very different experiences.
For me, this blew my mind.
Even though the two girls share the exact same genetic makeup and have the exact same life experiences, which means that they have the same genetic predispositions and environmental influences, as they told their story they saw events in two entirely different ways. Their perspectives were most certainly not the same.
In some cases, their perspectives were radically different.
But why?
Enter in, the power of perspective.
I've heard so many people complain about their life. I helpfully respond by suggesting a different point of view or an alternative way to perceive the situation only to have them retort with an "easy for you to say" response.
To me that's a cop out.
Only you have control on how you see your life and look at the world. And only you have the power to make the shift from victim to victor.
Imagine the power of a second chance at living your life? No, not re-incarnation, but the same body and existence with the ability to experience it all differently. The chance to step out of your reality and place yourself a new position. Kind of like shifting from being Rose to being Ruby.
Your life would then be simultaneously the same and completely different all at once.
That my friends, is the power of perspective.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your life is imaginary and that no one else can see it. What I'm saying is that everything that you think to be true is only true because you think it to be. That the reality of your life's events are entirely based on how you decided to see things.
It's your version — your perception.
Does this freak you? Do you think I'm nuts?
Or, does this make you feel incredibly powerful?
Gustav Flaubert said, "There is no truth. There is only perception". When I first heard this quoted by a dear colleague of mine I remember blowing her off thinking, what the hell is she talking about? There are certain things in this world that we know to be right or wrong, true or false. To be honest I thought she was a bit nuts at the time.
But then I got to thinking...
Maybe there's some truth to the idea that there is no reality, only perception.
The truth of this saying was never more clear to me than when I finished reading The Girls by Lori Lansens. This book fascinated me because the main characters Ruby and Rose Darlen are craniopagus twins. That means that they are conjoined at the head.
What I found most striking about this novel is how Lansens cleverly writes Ruby and Rose's story from each of their perspectives. The novel takes the form of an autobiography that oscillates between the two sisters. As you read, you put together the bits and pieces of the lives that these two girls lived. Clues that are dropped by one sister are explained by the other. Stories that are half told from one sister are clarified or sometimes made more complex by the other.
Although Rose and Ruby were often lumped together as one single person and nicknamed "the girls", they led two distinct lives side by side. Even though they shared the same DNA and exact life experiences, they ended up having two very different experiences.
For me, this blew my mind.
Even though the two girls share the exact same genetic makeup and have the exact same life experiences, which means that they have the same genetic predispositions and environmental influences, as they told their story they saw events in two entirely different ways. Their perspectives were most certainly not the same.
In some cases, their perspectives were radically different.
But why?
Enter in, the power of perspective.
I've heard so many people complain about their life. I helpfully respond by suggesting a different point of view or an alternative way to perceive the situation only to have them retort with an "easy for you to say" response.
To me that's a cop out.
Only you have control on how you see your life and look at the world. And only you have the power to make the shift from victim to victor.
Imagine the power of a second chance at living your life? No, not re-incarnation, but the same body and existence with the ability to experience it all differently. The chance to step out of your reality and place yourself a new position. Kind of like shifting from being Rose to being Ruby.
Your life would then be simultaneously the same and completely different all at once.
That my friends, is the power of perspective.
Friday, February 21, 2020
Remove the Box; Infinite Possibilities
At the beginning of 2019 I read Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert. Reading this book happened to be a happy accident. My eldest daughter who was 10 at the time, had picked it up at the local Indigo book store. Being the not so attentive kid that she can sometimes be, she didn't realize that Big Magic wasn't a kids' book. So, I took it off her hands and gave it a go. And boy was I glad that I did that. Big Magic was great. It really spoke to me because it addressed something that I have been unknowingly carrying around for a long time. Something that had be dragging me down and boxing me in.
This book made me realize that I had been secretly carrying fear like a the latest designer handbag. And even worse, I didn't know that I was carrying it. You see, fear is cunning; fear was disguised as safety, sensibility and caution all in the name of self-preservation.
Does this sound familiar to you?
It does to me.
Now, if you know me at all you'd likely know that I'm not a big fan of horror films or suspense novels, nor am I thrilled by big roller coasters or sharks, or anything that could be deemed scary or dangerous. I'm the sensitive type. If it's going to scare the crap out of me, no thanks, I'll pass.
To be honest, even though I know I'm the cautious type I'm not actually ashamed of it. That being said, I have found myself wishing I were more adventurous; but I honestly I didn't know how to make that change. That was until Big Magic came into my life.
In this book Gilbert writes about life being a journey. Joining you on that journey are many emotions. And fear is most definitely one of them. Especially when we are challenging ourselves to do something that scares us. But Gilbert points something out about fear that made a lot a sense to me.
She taught me that fear is always going to be on the journey. But you need to tell it where it gets to sit in the car. You are in the driver's seat and you are in charge. You get to set the rules for the trip. Fear is allowed to come along. Fear will never want to miss out on a opportunity. But fear will be in the back seat. Fear is never allowed to take the wheel, or be in charge of the map, or the music, or even crack open the window.
Silent and motionless in the back is where fear needs to reside on your life's journey.
Fear may join you on the ride but it is NOT allowed to make any decisions for your journey.
This totally spoke to me.
Like I said, I was carrying fear around like a fancy designer bag not realizing that in doing so I had brought fear into the driver's seat. I didn't even know it was telling me where to go!
Fast forward one year and I've just finished reading City of Girls also by Elizabeth Gilbert. I picked this book up not even remembering Big Magic or putting two and two together that it was by the same author. Sometimes I pick up books for no good reason. And in this case, I liked the cover because I thought it was pretty (no judgement please).
In this book Gilbert again had a lesson to teach me about fear. I really enjoyed City of Girls and what I loved about it other than the endearing characters, and the story of a women daring to carve her own path in life contrary to what society wanted from her, is the lesson that when we try to take the safe path, when let fear tell us what to do, we loose our freedom.
How many times have you lost your freedom because fear took the driver's seat and said:
Don't say too much.
Don't talk too loud.
Don't push the boundaries.
Don't defy social norms.
Don't dress that way.
Don't act that way.
Don't eat that.
Don't do that.
Don't...
Don't -
Don't.
I'd like to live a life free from fear. I'd like to create a life where I'm in the driver's seat free to take my journey wherever it may lead. So I'm telling fear to take a back seat.
I know that on the other side of things that scare me are life's greatest pleasures. I'm ready to be scared. I'm ready to face life with fear sitting silently in the back seat.
I'm ready to remove the box that fear creates for me to uncover infinite possibilities.
This book made me realize that I had been secretly carrying fear like a the latest designer handbag. And even worse, I didn't know that I was carrying it. You see, fear is cunning; fear was disguised as safety, sensibility and caution all in the name of self-preservation.
Does this sound familiar to you?
It does to me.
Now, if you know me at all you'd likely know that I'm not a big fan of horror films or suspense novels, nor am I thrilled by big roller coasters or sharks, or anything that could be deemed scary or dangerous. I'm the sensitive type. If it's going to scare the crap out of me, no thanks, I'll pass.
To be honest, even though I know I'm the cautious type I'm not actually ashamed of it. That being said, I have found myself wishing I were more adventurous; but I honestly I didn't know how to make that change. That was until Big Magic came into my life.
In this book Gilbert writes about life being a journey. Joining you on that journey are many emotions. And fear is most definitely one of them. Especially when we are challenging ourselves to do something that scares us. But Gilbert points something out about fear that made a lot a sense to me.
She taught me that fear is always going to be on the journey. But you need to tell it where it gets to sit in the car. You are in the driver's seat and you are in charge. You get to set the rules for the trip. Fear is allowed to come along. Fear will never want to miss out on a opportunity. But fear will be in the back seat. Fear is never allowed to take the wheel, or be in charge of the map, or the music, or even crack open the window.
Silent and motionless in the back is where fear needs to reside on your life's journey.
Fear may join you on the ride but it is NOT allowed to make any decisions for your journey.
This totally spoke to me.
Like I said, I was carrying fear around like a fancy designer bag not realizing that in doing so I had brought fear into the driver's seat. I didn't even know it was telling me where to go!
Fast forward one year and I've just finished reading City of Girls also by Elizabeth Gilbert. I picked this book up not even remembering Big Magic or putting two and two together that it was by the same author. Sometimes I pick up books for no good reason. And in this case, I liked the cover because I thought it was pretty (no judgement please).
In this book Gilbert again had a lesson to teach me about fear. I really enjoyed City of Girls and what I loved about it other than the endearing characters, and the story of a women daring to carve her own path in life contrary to what society wanted from her, is the lesson that when we try to take the safe path, when let fear tell us what to do, we loose our freedom.
How many times have you lost your freedom because fear took the driver's seat and said:
Don't say too much.
Don't talk too loud.
Don't push the boundaries.
Don't defy social norms.
Don't dress that way.
Don't act that way.
Don't eat that.
Don't do that.
Don't...
Don't -
Don't.
I'd like to live a life free from fear. I'd like to create a life where I'm in the driver's seat free to take my journey wherever it may lead. So I'm telling fear to take a back seat.
I know that on the other side of things that scare me are life's greatest pleasures. I'm ready to be scared. I'm ready to face life with fear sitting silently in the back seat.
I'm ready to remove the box that fear creates for me to uncover infinite possibilities.
Monday, February 17, 2020
If it comes let it come, if it stays let it stay, if it goes let it go.
Recently, a dear friend of mine shared the news that she had decided to put an end to a long and difficult marriage. It pained me to listen to the hurt in her voice as she told me what she had been secretly going through.
Sadly, she is not the first nor is she the last of my friends to find herself in this position.
As she spoke there was part of me that felt deeply sad for her as I'm certain that she entered her marriage with every intention to make it work and build a lifetime of family memories with her spouse. As she spoke, I processed that this was a profound loss for her.
On the other hand, when I listened more carefully to what she was saying I was happy for her because I understood how much courage, self-worth, and self-love it took for her to finally stand up for herself and demand more from life.
I carried this happy sadness in my heart for quite some time after speaking to her. I felt deeply emotional. I realized in that moment how much I define myself in terms of being married; in terms of being part of a whole. I realized that I consider my walk through life as a journey that is walked hand in hand with someone else.
Interestingly enough the day my dear friend told me about the end of her marriage I happened to be in the middle of reading Nicholas Sparks' novel Two By Two. To tell you this is also to tell you that it was as is art were imitating life. Two By Two is about a man going through one of life's greatest ordeals: separation, divorce and the loss of his best friend and sister. So much of what my friend was telling me was reflected in the book that it was uncanny.
From this novel I was able to share what I thought was an excellent piece of advice with my friend. As the main character Russell Green is contending with the onslaught of emotions after his wife leaves him he is given some very sage advice, "If it comes let it come, if it stays let it stay, if it goes let it go".
I couldn't agree more and as I shared this with my friend she shook her head in agreement with tears in her eyes.
We all experience loss and let downs in life. Whether it is a marriage falling apart, a friend betraying you, a job loss, a loved one being diagnosed with a terminal illness or even the loss of a cherished pet, we've all felt deep despair as the anger, fear, hurt and disappointment set in. Whatever feelings come your way it's ok. If life brings you great joy or great loss, it's ok. If something is taken away from you it's ok.
You will find your way.
I know it.
This is because even in the face of loss we are not lost. Even if, like my dear friend, you are facing the end of life as you know it, the dreams you had built up since you were a little girl, and the love and hope you had for your marriage, you are not lost because you are not alone.
Two by Two taught me that although we tend to build our lives around our spouses, they are not the entirety of who we are. In any relationship we are only ever a partial version of ourselves. We have a number of different versions of ourselves that we inhabit from day to day, from relationship to relationship.
These versions take the form of wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, colleague and friend.
When we take into consideration all of these ways of existing it is obvious that we are not just one thing. We don't cease to exist even if one of our identities suddenly comes to an end. We don't stop being who we are just because our place in this world is changed.
Now you might feel that some changes in our lives screw with everything. That all is lost. But know that you simply have to turn to the other people in your life who help make you whole. Don't walk alone. Switch partners as you need to. Reach out and grab someone's hand. Call upon those people in your life who will hold you up when you're ready to fall.
I know you can do this.
I know you will get through this.
Sadly, she is not the first nor is she the last of my friends to find herself in this position.
As she spoke there was part of me that felt deeply sad for her as I'm certain that she entered her marriage with every intention to make it work and build a lifetime of family memories with her spouse. As she spoke, I processed that this was a profound loss for her.
On the other hand, when I listened more carefully to what she was saying I was happy for her because I understood how much courage, self-worth, and self-love it took for her to finally stand up for herself and demand more from life.
I carried this happy sadness in my heart for quite some time after speaking to her. I felt deeply emotional. I realized in that moment how much I define myself in terms of being married; in terms of being part of a whole. I realized that I consider my walk through life as a journey that is walked hand in hand with someone else.
Interestingly enough the day my dear friend told me about the end of her marriage I happened to be in the middle of reading Nicholas Sparks' novel Two By Two. To tell you this is also to tell you that it was as is art were imitating life. Two By Two is about a man going through one of life's greatest ordeals: separation, divorce and the loss of his best friend and sister. So much of what my friend was telling me was reflected in the book that it was uncanny.
From this novel I was able to share what I thought was an excellent piece of advice with my friend. As the main character Russell Green is contending with the onslaught of emotions after his wife leaves him he is given some very sage advice, "If it comes let it come, if it stays let it stay, if it goes let it go".
I couldn't agree more and as I shared this with my friend she shook her head in agreement with tears in her eyes.
We all experience loss and let downs in life. Whether it is a marriage falling apart, a friend betraying you, a job loss, a loved one being diagnosed with a terminal illness or even the loss of a cherished pet, we've all felt deep despair as the anger, fear, hurt and disappointment set in. Whatever feelings come your way it's ok. If life brings you great joy or great loss, it's ok. If something is taken away from you it's ok.
You will find your way.
I know it.
This is because even in the face of loss we are not lost. Even if, like my dear friend, you are facing the end of life as you know it, the dreams you had built up since you were a little girl, and the love and hope you had for your marriage, you are not lost because you are not alone.
Two by Two taught me that although we tend to build our lives around our spouses, they are not the entirety of who we are. In any relationship we are only ever a partial version of ourselves. We have a number of different versions of ourselves that we inhabit from day to day, from relationship to relationship.
These versions take the form of wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, colleague and friend.
When we take into consideration all of these ways of existing it is obvious that we are not just one thing. We don't cease to exist even if one of our identities suddenly comes to an end. We don't stop being who we are just because our place in this world is changed.
Now you might feel that some changes in our lives screw with everything. That all is lost. But know that you simply have to turn to the other people in your life who help make you whole. Don't walk alone. Switch partners as you need to. Reach out and grab someone's hand. Call upon those people in your life who will hold you up when you're ready to fall.
I know you can do this.
I know you will get through this.
Wednesday, February 12, 2020
Walk Together In Love
As those of you who have been following my posts since the beginning know, I have been on a mission to read a crazy amount of books as a personal challenge to myself. I'm now in year three of reading at least 50 books a year. At this point you might be wondering, what have you gotten out of this situation other than bragging rights?
Well, what have I gotten out of reading so much for the last couple of years?
That is an excellent question.
I believe this journey has taught me something that I think we all know already. Or at least, should know already. It's a lesson that is so elementary in nature that you're likely going to laugh or roll your eyes at me when I tell you about it.
Well, insert eye roll here, 'cause I'm about to lay it out for you.
What I have learned more than anything else, regardless of what book I have read, is that above all else, all you need is love.
Yes, you read me correctly.
And no, this is not a Beatles song.
It is actually a legitimate observation that I have made. It honestly doesn't matter what I read, the underlying message of all the books, whether it is explicitly stated or if it is hidden in the subtext, is to make all decisions in your life with love and to act towards one another with love as your primary response.
Sound ridiculous?
Maybe.
But, just imagine - sorry Beatles, I'm not trying to rip off all of your songs here! - Imagine a world based on loving actions and thoughts.
Can you even imagine a world like this?
I can.
Just think about it with me for a moment or two...
Can you imagine coming face to face with the woman who murdered your brother and then respond to her with love rather than hate?
If not, just read The Huntress by Kate Quinn.
Can you see yourself loosing the love of your life to another man and then sealing your fate to never have a chance to get her back by anonymously paying for life saving medical treatment that will save her husband's life and ensure she gets her "happily ever after"?
If not, just read Dear John by Nicholas Sparks.
Can you picture turning your life's work into something that promotes love, kindness and understanding because you survived the Holocaust?
If not, just read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.
Can you imagine living in a neat and tidy home that brings you joy because it only contains items that you love?
If not, just read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Condo.
Do you need more examples? Then just start reading because love is exactly what I have discovered in the many books I have read during my personal reading challenge.
Maybe some of you are thinking, to hell with love - money is all you need and then you can afford to buy a life that you love and get whatever you want! Well, considering the many pro-social experiments that have been done out there it is clear that money may make you feel more comfortable and ensure a certain standard of living, but only to a certain degree. What money cannot do is make you happy.
Let go of money as the answer to your many woes, and imagine instead wealth measured by the love you have to give to others and to yourself. Imagine how life changing that could be!
As we approach Valentines Day I'd like to challenge you to make love an every day thing, not a one day thing.
Can you try one of these things out?
- respond in a loving way to someone who has hurt you
- offer care and guidance to someone who has been disrespectful to you
- choose to forgive instead of laying blame
- look in the mirror and thank you body for the many things it accomplishes everyday regardless of how it looks
Don't just buy chocolates and flowers this Friday because real love is so much more than that.
Consider this: if you paid others in love and kindness, rather than feed your own ego or spend only one day a year thinking about love and what it means, how quickly could you transform your world?
Even in one of my most recent reads, Nicholas Spark's A Walk to Remember we are reminded of what it means to respond in love when it could be so easy to react with fear, hatred, blame or sorrow.
I don't want to ruin A Walk to Remember for you in case you want to read it yourself, but when Landon grants Jamie her greatest wish we might ask ourselves, given the age of the characters, how realistic is this book anyways? That being said, Landon's ability to help Jamie achieve her dream during the darkest time of her life was the most loving thing he could have done for her. It gave her the opportunity to have "a walk to remember".
If there is anything I can get out of what I have read over the last few years it is most definitely that love trumps all else. We walk through life too often harboring jealousy, regret, fear or even hate.
What a heavy load to carry for our many days on this earth. Imagine instead we choose to shed these burdens of negativity. What a walk it would be if we all walked together in love.
It would indeed be a walk to remember.
Well, what have I gotten out of reading so much for the last couple of years?
That is an excellent question.
I believe this journey has taught me something that I think we all know already. Or at least, should know already. It's a lesson that is so elementary in nature that you're likely going to laugh or roll your eyes at me when I tell you about it.
Well, insert eye roll here, 'cause I'm about to lay it out for you.
What I have learned more than anything else, regardless of what book I have read, is that above all else, all you need is love.
Yes, you read me correctly.
And no, this is not a Beatles song.
It is actually a legitimate observation that I have made. It honestly doesn't matter what I read, the underlying message of all the books, whether it is explicitly stated or if it is hidden in the subtext, is to make all decisions in your life with love and to act towards one another with love as your primary response.
Sound ridiculous?
Maybe.
But, just imagine - sorry Beatles, I'm not trying to rip off all of your songs here! - Imagine a world based on loving actions and thoughts.
Can you even imagine a world like this?
I can.
Just think about it with me for a moment or two...
Can you imagine coming face to face with the woman who murdered your brother and then respond to her with love rather than hate?
If not, just read The Huntress by Kate Quinn.
Can you see yourself loosing the love of your life to another man and then sealing your fate to never have a chance to get her back by anonymously paying for life saving medical treatment that will save her husband's life and ensure she gets her "happily ever after"?
If not, just read Dear John by Nicholas Sparks.
Can you picture turning your life's work into something that promotes love, kindness and understanding because you survived the Holocaust?
If not, just read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.
Can you imagine living in a neat and tidy home that brings you joy because it only contains items that you love?
If not, just read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Condo.
Do you need more examples? Then just start reading because love is exactly what I have discovered in the many books I have read during my personal reading challenge.
Maybe some of you are thinking, to hell with love - money is all you need and then you can afford to buy a life that you love and get whatever you want! Well, considering the many pro-social experiments that have been done out there it is clear that money may make you feel more comfortable and ensure a certain standard of living, but only to a certain degree. What money cannot do is make you happy.
Let go of money as the answer to your many woes, and imagine instead wealth measured by the love you have to give to others and to yourself. Imagine how life changing that could be!
As we approach Valentines Day I'd like to challenge you to make love an every day thing, not a one day thing.
Can you try one of these things out?
- respond in a loving way to someone who has hurt you
- offer care and guidance to someone who has been disrespectful to you
- choose to forgive instead of laying blame
- look in the mirror and thank you body for the many things it accomplishes everyday regardless of how it looks
Don't just buy chocolates and flowers this Friday because real love is so much more than that.
Consider this: if you paid others in love and kindness, rather than feed your own ego or spend only one day a year thinking about love and what it means, how quickly could you transform your world?
Even in one of my most recent reads, Nicholas Spark's A Walk to Remember we are reminded of what it means to respond in love when it could be so easy to react with fear, hatred, blame or sorrow.
I don't want to ruin A Walk to Remember for you in case you want to read it yourself, but when Landon grants Jamie her greatest wish we might ask ourselves, given the age of the characters, how realistic is this book anyways? That being said, Landon's ability to help Jamie achieve her dream during the darkest time of her life was the most loving thing he could have done for her. It gave her the opportunity to have "a walk to remember".
If there is anything I can get out of what I have read over the last few years it is most definitely that love trumps all else. We walk through life too often harboring jealousy, regret, fear or even hate.
What a heavy load to carry for our many days on this earth. Imagine instead we choose to shed these burdens of negativity. What a walk it would be if we all walked together in love.
It would indeed be a walk to remember.
Monday, February 10, 2020
My Little Chorizo
My earliest memory of being body conscious was when I was about 10 years old.
I remember posing for a photograph during vacation at a ocean side pool with my sister, mother and godmother. My sister was wearing a sexy neon and black bathing suit that showed off her supermodel figure. I remember positioning myself next to her trying to find the most appealing angle as possible while I posed in my multi-colored neon leopard print on black bathing suit (don't judge, it was the 80's, okay?).
Now remember, taking a photograph at this point in history meant you had to do it right. There was no second, third, forth, or even fifteenth try. You took a picture and then you developed your Kodak film and you lived with the consequences. It was do or die when it came to taking photos.
Can anyone testify?
Boy, I'm feeling old right now.
So, taking a picture back then meant you had to take a good picture or else it would be a waste of film and not to mention a total embarrassment for those being photographed. Anyhow, getting back on track - we were standing there side by side with huge smiles on our faces and I clearly remember thinking "suck it in Raquel so that your stomach can look smaller - you don't want to see your little chorizo staring back at you in this photo, do you?"
You see, "my little chorizo" was the cute way my Portuguese family (extended members included) would refer to the fact that I carried a little extra weight around my middle. As a child it wasn't much really, but it was always there for as long as I can remember - a little roll wrapped around me everywhere I went keeping me company and occasionally peeking out of the top of my jeans. It was simply part of who I was. I was the round faced chubby kid with the little chorizo that kept me company wherever I went. It was what it was.
However, thinking back to this moment in time makes me realize that my self-consciousness with my body began at such a young age which now makes me sad. What's even sadder, is that my issues with my body image continue to this day.
This is in part, why I decided to read Beauty Sick by Renee Engeln.
Now folks, I don't say this often but this book is in the top 10 of the most life changing books that I have read in my lifetime. Books that make my top 10 are ones that have forced me to make a fundamental shift in my thinking and that come to mind many times as life presents its many twists 'n turns and ups 'n downs.
If you are like me (and let's face it, so many women out there are) our bodies are things that we are constantly in combat with. They are too tall, too short, too wimpy, too beefy, too this or too that. Really there are so few women out there who can honestly say are happy with their bodies. And it doesn't matter whether one fits the body ideal or not. It seems that as women we are constantly dissatisfied with something. You name it: hips, butt, eyes, toes, nose, skin, a jiggle, a wiggle or stretch mark. It doesn't matter. I even bet you that you can find someone out there who's dissatisfied with something as benign and meaningless as their baby toe. Seriously! Their baby toe!
For me, I can honestly say that there is not one part of me that I hate. There are things that I'm working on or might want slightly adjusted. But, I can also say that I have features that I know are beautiful and make me special.
However, what I feel more deeply and quite frequently, is a disconnection between how I see myself in my minds' eye (how I feel physically and how I see myself as a sexy, strong, and fit woman) in comparison to what I actually see staring back at me in the mirror or in a photograph.
And this disparity was never more evident than when I saw myself posted in a photograph on Facebook after white water rafting with some very Kick Ass Ladies in August of 2019.
Last summer I had the chance to do something that scared me. I went white water rafting - something that I was too chicken to do and never had the opportunity to experience. It was so much fun! I loved it! But when I checked Facebook to see the pictures that people posted, instead of remembering how exhilarating the experience of white water rafting was, instead of feeling proud for having jumped into the white rapids for a swim, instead of celebrating my fit body that allowed me to paddle hard, instead of relishing in the fact that I quickly swam across the Ottawa river with ease, I saw a terrible photo of myself after all of this glory and thought to myself, "AM I THAT FAT?".
I'm not joking.
It bothered me.
Like, for days.
I was down.
I was out.
I was wondering if I really knew who I was after all?
Can I actually be fit and strong and also look like that in a picture? As I write this I can't help but think, no, it can't possibly be true. I must not be as fit and as strong as I think I am...
Or maybe not?
Hmm....
After seeing that photo I had totally forgotten what the entire point of that day was all about. My mind was totally hijacked. I wasn't able to stay focused on what my body was able to do. Instead I was sucked into how my body appeared in that photo. Instead of being a woman of action and strength, I became a woman that was an object to be evaluated.
If this has happened to you, if you find yourself self-objectifying, then you HAVE TO read Beauty Sick.
In it I learned so many things about why I see myself as I do. I learned that as women we are sick with worry about our appearance because we live in a world that causes illness when it comes to its beauty standards. I realized that all the advice that I've tried doesn't work - no, not even walking through the "beautiful" door helps (thanks for nothing, stupid Dove commercials). I realized that I have wasted so much time, energy and effort on something that really doesn't matter.
Instead, I now know that the only way for me to let go of this need to look the part is to thank my body for what it can do instead of focus on what it looks like. I need to let go of the value I place on the importance of a woman's appearance and focus my energy on what I am capable of because of what my body has been able to help me do.
Like so many women out there, I've spent a lifetime fighting with my body instead of being good to it. Instead of its best friend, I have been my body's worst enemy. And now, it's my time to make amends and thank my body for everything it has done for me and seek forgiveness for everything that I have done to it.
What better way to do this than to literally ask for forgiveness and tell my body exactly what it's been needing to hear all these years? Before I do so I'd like to thank you Renee Engeln for your book Beauty Sick and for inspiring me to amend my relationship with my body.
As difficult and gut wrenching as it may be, if you feel moved by what I'm about to write, I encourage you to do the same. I'd love to read what you have to say to your body and acknowledge you for the many wonderful things that your body has done for you.
I have learned that every body is worth saying thanks to.
....
....
....
Dear Body,
I am so sorry for the many times that I have not appreciated you for everything that you have done for me. I am sorry for not listening to you. I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm sorry for not giving you what you needed when you needed it. I'm sorry for trying to shape you into something that you are not.
I'm sorry for expecting something from you that you are not capable of. I'm sorry for not expecting more from you on some days and then expecting too much from you on others. I'm sorry to have betrayed you by not acknowledging all of the things that you have done for me and all of the times that you have been there for me.
Even though you I have treated you so poorly in the past, you never gave up on me and for that I am forever grateful.
Because of you I have been able to accomplish so many wonderful things. I am able to move about my day with ease. You have given me legs that allow me do get to where I need to go. You allow me to go quickly or slowly depending on what I need.
You have given me arms that can carry heavy loads. These arms hold my children tight and given them a cozy space to enter when they need it.
You have given me stamina to run my household (sometimes, it feels, almost completely by myself) and get through tough days at work. You have given me the capacity to get an excellent education so that I can reach my full potential. I am strong because of you and I use that physical strength to get through tough days.
You have given me eyes that are not only beautiful but that can see beauty in the world every single day. You have given me hands that can write, create, cook and sooth. I can see now how much you have given me. I cannot believe how blind I have been all these years to all of the amazing things that you have done for me.
You have given me the most cherished gift that I have in my life. You have given me two beautiful children that are my everything. Without you I wouldn't have these two precious girls that make my life so complete. You helped me make them, keep them safe and then bring them into this world. How could I ever thank you enough for that? I honestly don't know.
From this day on I shall work to acknowledge you instead of judging you. I realize now that I have not been a good friend to you and I am determined to change my ways. You have been the best and I will do everything in my power to make you feel that way. Not just for your sake but for my sake, my children's sake, and for the sake of all of the amazing women that I know.
I'm sorry for being such a jerk and idiot. You're not just some body, you're my body and I love you. I wouldn't trade you in for anything.
Your best friend,
Raquel.
I remember posing for a photograph during vacation at a ocean side pool with my sister, mother and godmother. My sister was wearing a sexy neon and black bathing suit that showed off her supermodel figure. I remember positioning myself next to her trying to find the most appealing angle as possible while I posed in my multi-colored neon leopard print on black bathing suit (don't judge, it was the 80's, okay?).
Now remember, taking a photograph at this point in history meant you had to do it right. There was no second, third, forth, or even fifteenth try. You took a picture and then you developed your Kodak film and you lived with the consequences. It was do or die when it came to taking photos.
Can anyone testify?
Boy, I'm feeling old right now.
So, taking a picture back then meant you had to take a good picture or else it would be a waste of film and not to mention a total embarrassment for those being photographed. Anyhow, getting back on track - we were standing there side by side with huge smiles on our faces and I clearly remember thinking "suck it in Raquel so that your stomach can look smaller - you don't want to see your little chorizo staring back at you in this photo, do you?"
You see, "my little chorizo" was the cute way my Portuguese family (extended members included) would refer to the fact that I carried a little extra weight around my middle. As a child it wasn't much really, but it was always there for as long as I can remember - a little roll wrapped around me everywhere I went keeping me company and occasionally peeking out of the top of my jeans. It was simply part of who I was. I was the round faced chubby kid with the little chorizo that kept me company wherever I went. It was what it was.
However, thinking back to this moment in time makes me realize that my self-consciousness with my body began at such a young age which now makes me sad. What's even sadder, is that my issues with my body image continue to this day.
This is in part, why I decided to read Beauty Sick by Renee Engeln.
Now folks, I don't say this often but this book is in the top 10 of the most life changing books that I have read in my lifetime. Books that make my top 10 are ones that have forced me to make a fundamental shift in my thinking and that come to mind many times as life presents its many twists 'n turns and ups 'n downs.
If you are like me (and let's face it, so many women out there are) our bodies are things that we are constantly in combat with. They are too tall, too short, too wimpy, too beefy, too this or too that. Really there are so few women out there who can honestly say are happy with their bodies. And it doesn't matter whether one fits the body ideal or not. It seems that as women we are constantly dissatisfied with something. You name it: hips, butt, eyes, toes, nose, skin, a jiggle, a wiggle or stretch mark. It doesn't matter. I even bet you that you can find someone out there who's dissatisfied with something as benign and meaningless as their baby toe. Seriously! Their baby toe!
For me, I can honestly say that there is not one part of me that I hate. There are things that I'm working on or might want slightly adjusted. But, I can also say that I have features that I know are beautiful and make me special.
However, what I feel more deeply and quite frequently, is a disconnection between how I see myself in my minds' eye (how I feel physically and how I see myself as a sexy, strong, and fit woman) in comparison to what I actually see staring back at me in the mirror or in a photograph.
And this disparity was never more evident than when I saw myself posted in a photograph on Facebook after white water rafting with some very Kick Ass Ladies in August of 2019.
Last summer I had the chance to do something that scared me. I went white water rafting - something that I was too chicken to do and never had the opportunity to experience. It was so much fun! I loved it! But when I checked Facebook to see the pictures that people posted, instead of remembering how exhilarating the experience of white water rafting was, instead of feeling proud for having jumped into the white rapids for a swim, instead of celebrating my fit body that allowed me to paddle hard, instead of relishing in the fact that I quickly swam across the Ottawa river with ease, I saw a terrible photo of myself after all of this glory and thought to myself, "AM I THAT FAT?".
I'm not joking.
It bothered me.
Like, for days.
I was down.
I was out.
I was wondering if I really knew who I was after all?
Can I actually be fit and strong and also look like that in a picture? As I write this I can't help but think, no, it can't possibly be true. I must not be as fit and as strong as I think I am...
Or maybe not?
Hmm....
After seeing that photo I had totally forgotten what the entire point of that day was all about. My mind was totally hijacked. I wasn't able to stay focused on what my body was able to do. Instead I was sucked into how my body appeared in that photo. Instead of being a woman of action and strength, I became a woman that was an object to be evaluated.
If this has happened to you, if you find yourself self-objectifying, then you HAVE TO read Beauty Sick.
In it I learned so many things about why I see myself as I do. I learned that as women we are sick with worry about our appearance because we live in a world that causes illness when it comes to its beauty standards. I realized that all the advice that I've tried doesn't work - no, not even walking through the "beautiful" door helps (thanks for nothing, stupid Dove commercials). I realized that I have wasted so much time, energy and effort on something that really doesn't matter.
Instead, I now know that the only way for me to let go of this need to look the part is to thank my body for what it can do instead of focus on what it looks like. I need to let go of the value I place on the importance of a woman's appearance and focus my energy on what I am capable of because of what my body has been able to help me do.
Like so many women out there, I've spent a lifetime fighting with my body instead of being good to it. Instead of its best friend, I have been my body's worst enemy. And now, it's my time to make amends and thank my body for everything it has done for me and seek forgiveness for everything that I have done to it.
What better way to do this than to literally ask for forgiveness and tell my body exactly what it's been needing to hear all these years? Before I do so I'd like to thank you Renee Engeln for your book Beauty Sick and for inspiring me to amend my relationship with my body.
As difficult and gut wrenching as it may be, if you feel moved by what I'm about to write, I encourage you to do the same. I'd love to read what you have to say to your body and acknowledge you for the many wonderful things that your body has done for you.
I have learned that every body is worth saying thanks to.
....
....
....
Dear Body,
I am so sorry for the many times that I have not appreciated you for everything that you have done for me. I am sorry for not listening to you. I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm sorry for not giving you what you needed when you needed it. I'm sorry for trying to shape you into something that you are not.
I'm sorry for expecting something from you that you are not capable of. I'm sorry for not expecting more from you on some days and then expecting too much from you on others. I'm sorry to have betrayed you by not acknowledging all of the things that you have done for me and all of the times that you have been there for me.
Even though you I have treated you so poorly in the past, you never gave up on me and for that I am forever grateful.
Because of you I have been able to accomplish so many wonderful things. I am able to move about my day with ease. You have given me legs that allow me do get to where I need to go. You allow me to go quickly or slowly depending on what I need.
You have given me arms that can carry heavy loads. These arms hold my children tight and given them a cozy space to enter when they need it.
You have given me stamina to run my household (sometimes, it feels, almost completely by myself) and get through tough days at work. You have given me the capacity to get an excellent education so that I can reach my full potential. I am strong because of you and I use that physical strength to get through tough days.
You have given me eyes that are not only beautiful but that can see beauty in the world every single day. You have given me hands that can write, create, cook and sooth. I can see now how much you have given me. I cannot believe how blind I have been all these years to all of the amazing things that you have done for me.
You have given me the most cherished gift that I have in my life. You have given me two beautiful children that are my everything. Without you I wouldn't have these two precious girls that make my life so complete. You helped me make them, keep them safe and then bring them into this world. How could I ever thank you enough for that? I honestly don't know.
From this day on I shall work to acknowledge you instead of judging you. I realize now that I have not been a good friend to you and I am determined to change my ways. You have been the best and I will do everything in my power to make you feel that way. Not just for your sake but for my sake, my children's sake, and for the sake of all of the amazing women that I know.
I'm sorry for being such a jerk and idiot. You're not just some body, you're my body and I love you. I wouldn't trade you in for anything.
Your best friend,
Raquel.
Wednesday, February 5, 2020
Trust Your Path and Keep Going with No Regrets
Ok folks, hold on. I know there are some haters out there. Yes, this next post is about a romance, not just any romance, a North Carolina, set by the ocean, during summer vacation, walks on the beach, love at first sight, improbable lovers, impossible odds, love letters, unexpected illness and yes folks, it all working out in the end (by the grace of God), Nicholas Sparks romance.
Did you barf a bit in your mouth? Well if you did, I'm sorry. That was not my plan. But if you're still interested, please, read on.
There is something about Nicholas Sparks that people either love or hate. His books tend to follow a pattern that brings the reader to a magical place of what might have been. I've read a number of his books and Every Breath and A Walk to Remember are just two. What is it about the love story that beats all odds? I mean, any intelligent adult who's lived half a life can tell you it's not all roses. So why should we buy into Sparks' cheesy romantic fantasy land?
Here's what I think: his stories are rooted in the common narrative of "what if"? What if your first love really was your true love? What if you made a bad choice and walked away from the best thing that ever happened to you? What if you were never meant to leave that person after all? What if you were really meant to take the path less traveled?
Walking through the world Sparks creates in his novels makes us call into mind those first romances, first loves, first kisses, and first mistakes. I know it sounds cheesy because honestly, I can give you a million reasons why that first love of mine was never going to work out (but if I'm going to be totally honest here, I sometime secretly wonder "what if...").
Although rooted in real life experiences so much about Sparks novels feel surreal and unrealistic. I mean, how likely is it to meet a long lost love by leaving a letter 20 years late in a random mailbox called "Kindred Spirit" at the beach in North Carolina?
Come on. Even I, a dreamer and believer in love, find it hard to believe.
But here's the thing; I think the reason why we are drawn to these kind of stories is because we are giving ourselves permission to step into something surreal yet possible. While we are there we find bits and pieces of our own ordinary lives hidden in the details.
On another level, I think Sparks' romances are a safe way to revisit moments from our past that give us joy yet leave us feeling unsatisfied. For me it's kind of like playing Candy Crush. I find myself drawn to this stupid game, and to some extent I enjoy finding the hidden pufflers, beating cupcake Carls' sorry ass, or making 7 monklings before my moves run out, yet an hour will pass by and I'll find myself left feeling dissatisfied. I recognize these feelings but I keep going back for more. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm addicted to the sugar rush?!
How many aspects of our lives give us some level of satisfaction yet leave us longing for more?
How often have you found yourself making a choice that's right in the moment but wrong in the long run? How many times do you face the ripple effect of your choices and wonder how it all could have been different? Or perhaps you may not want to change anything about your life but you secretly wonder how it all would have worked out if you had a second go?
What if you had 9 lives? Would we still have regrets if we had unlimited chances for a do-over?
I think no matter what we do we will always find ourselves having regrets.
Always.
Because until you are happy and accept what you've got, you will always be looking for that path that you did not take.
Instead of looking back in regret, make the most of where life has taken you and the path you chose.
Because with every breath we have the opportunity to see life as full and fulfilling if only we decide to remember that path that we walked without doubting ourselves.
Trust your path and keep going with no regrets.
I promise you will find your way.
Did you barf a bit in your mouth? Well if you did, I'm sorry. That was not my plan. But if you're still interested, please, read on.
There is something about Nicholas Sparks that people either love or hate. His books tend to follow a pattern that brings the reader to a magical place of what might have been. I've read a number of his books and Every Breath and A Walk to Remember are just two. What is it about the love story that beats all odds? I mean, any intelligent adult who's lived half a life can tell you it's not all roses. So why should we buy into Sparks' cheesy romantic fantasy land?
Here's what I think: his stories are rooted in the common narrative of "what if"? What if your first love really was your true love? What if you made a bad choice and walked away from the best thing that ever happened to you? What if you were never meant to leave that person after all? What if you were really meant to take the path less traveled?
Walking through the world Sparks creates in his novels makes us call into mind those first romances, first loves, first kisses, and first mistakes. I know it sounds cheesy because honestly, I can give you a million reasons why that first love of mine was never going to work out (but if I'm going to be totally honest here, I sometime secretly wonder "what if...").
Although rooted in real life experiences so much about Sparks novels feel surreal and unrealistic. I mean, how likely is it to meet a long lost love by leaving a letter 20 years late in a random mailbox called "Kindred Spirit" at the beach in North Carolina?
Come on. Even I, a dreamer and believer in love, find it hard to believe.
But here's the thing; I think the reason why we are drawn to these kind of stories is because we are giving ourselves permission to step into something surreal yet possible. While we are there we find bits and pieces of our own ordinary lives hidden in the details.
On another level, I think Sparks' romances are a safe way to revisit moments from our past that give us joy yet leave us feeling unsatisfied. For me it's kind of like playing Candy Crush. I find myself drawn to this stupid game, and to some extent I enjoy finding the hidden pufflers, beating cupcake Carls' sorry ass, or making 7 monklings before my moves run out, yet an hour will pass by and I'll find myself left feeling dissatisfied. I recognize these feelings but I keep going back for more. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm addicted to the sugar rush?!
How many aspects of our lives give us some level of satisfaction yet leave us longing for more?
How often have you found yourself making a choice that's right in the moment but wrong in the long run? How many times do you face the ripple effect of your choices and wonder how it all could have been different? Or perhaps you may not want to change anything about your life but you secretly wonder how it all would have worked out if you had a second go?
What if you had 9 lives? Would we still have regrets if we had unlimited chances for a do-over?
I think no matter what we do we will always find ourselves having regrets.
Always.
Because until you are happy and accept what you've got, you will always be looking for that path that you did not take.
Instead of looking back in regret, make the most of where life has taken you and the path you chose.
Because with every breath we have the opportunity to see life as full and fulfilling if only we decide to remember that path that we walked without doubting ourselves.
Trust your path and keep going with no regrets.
I promise you will find your way.
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