As the new school year looms around the corner, I'm left facing some difficult questions; will this year be as awful for me as last year? How can I continue to feel open, happy and joyful even as the stressors of work close in on me? Who will I be for myself, my colleagues and my future students once I return to the daily grind?
These are some of the worries that I'm harboring lately.
At first I wanted to look away and not talk about it, think about it, or even acknowledge it's existence. But I've come to the realization that this serves me no purpose other than to add to my suffering. The truth is that there are some things in life that pop up and into our hearts, minds or maybe even our souls. For many of us, our first reaction is to turn away, maybe even to run away, because facing them head on is much too difficult. But this year I'm making a real effort to face my demons, sit within their presence, and let their power wash over me and then let them dissolve away as I make room for them to just exist.
You see, the problem I have is that I'm a natural born worrier. Either because it's in my DNA or because it's what I learned to do. Either way, I tend to think, over think and then think some more. All this thinking sounds great but when that thinking becomes like a never ending loop of worries and concerns and what-ifs that get me nowhere, then the worrying serves no purpose but to confuse me into thinking that I have some sort of control over things.
This idea of worrying as a form of control came to me while reading "Depression Hates a Moving Target" by Nita Sweeny and it literally stopped me in my tracks.
Aha! Finally someone was able to make sense of why I (and so many people I know) end up turning to worry on the daily. In a world that seems to be spinning out of control, worrying gives you something to hold onto. It's not because we care. It's not because it'll help us figure things out. And it's certainly not because it's our job (as moms, as women, or as whatever you identify with). It's our visceral response as we grapple with the uncertainty of life.
Thankfully, I've spent a lot of time lately working on my thinking and behaviors and what I've come to learn is that instead of worrying, I need to get off the hamster wheel of overthinking and take action instead.
The action is simple. It's actually kind of inaction really.
It's the idea that you can have difficult thoughts and emotions and all you really need to do is just sit with them. To just give them some room to breathe and then let them slowly wash away. It's an act that requires a whole lot of courage but very little action.
Let go. Let it be. Do not judge. Just exist with your thoughts, feelings and emotions in a non-judgmental way. Find the flow of living a life where you are no longer clawing for some semblance of control.
Instead, accept that there is no control. There is no certainty. There is just the here and now. It requires no judgement. Just a little bit of space.
That small act of making space and letting go is all I'll really need to keep floating along the tides of life this year and really, for all my days to come.
I hope you can join me in this task. Take charge by letting go. Stop the thoughts and just rest in the soft and comforting truth that this is what it is and that's all.
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