My Little Chorizo

My earliest memory of being body conscious was when I was about 10 years old.

I remember posing for a photograph during vacation at a ocean side pool with my sister, mother and godmother.  My sister was wearing a sexy neon and black bathing suit that showed off her supermodel figure.  I remember positioning myself next to her trying to find the most appealing angle as possible while I posed in my multi-colored neon leopard print on black bathing suit (don't judge, it was the 80's, okay?).

Now remember, taking a photograph at this point in history meant you had to do it right.  There was no second, third, forth, or even fifteenth try.  You took a picture and then you developed your Kodak film and you lived with the consequences.  It was do or die when it came to taking photos.

Can anyone testify?

Boy, I'm feeling old right now.

So, taking a picture back then meant you had to take a good picture or else it would be a waste of film and not to mention a total embarrassment for those being photographed.  Anyhow, getting back on track - we were standing there side by side with huge smiles on our faces and I clearly remember thinking "suck it in Raquel so that your stomach can look smaller - you don't want to see your little chorizo staring back at you in this photo, do you?"

You see, "my little chorizo" was the cute way my Portuguese family (extended members included) would refer to the fact that I carried a little extra weight around my middle.  As a child it wasn't much really, but it was always there for as long as I can remember - a little roll wrapped around me everywhere I went keeping me company and occasionally peeking out of the top of my jeans.  It was simply part of who I was.  I was the round faced chubby kid with the little chorizo that kept me company wherever I went.  It was what it was.

However, thinking back to this moment in time makes me realize that my self-consciousness with my body began at such a young age which now makes me sad.  What's even sadder, is that my issues with my body image continue to this day.

This is in part, why I decided to read Beauty Sick by Renee Engeln.

Now folks, I don't say this often but this book is in the top 10 of the most life changing books that I have read in my lifetime.  Books that make my top 10 are ones that have forced me to make a fundamental shift in my thinking and that come to mind many times as life presents its many twists 'n turns and ups 'n downs.

If you are like me (and let's face it, so many women out there are) our bodies are things that we are constantly in combat with.  They are too tall, too short, too wimpy, too beefy, too this or too that.  Really there are so few women out there who can honestly say are happy with their bodies.  And it doesn't matter whether one fits the body ideal or not.  It seems that as women we are constantly dissatisfied with something.  You name it: hips, butt, eyes, toes, nose, skin, a jiggle, a wiggle or stretch mark. It doesn't matter.  I even bet you that you can find someone out there who's dissatisfied with something as benign and meaningless as their baby toe. Seriously!  Their baby toe!

For me, I can honestly say that there is not one part of me that I hate.  There are things that I'm working on or might want slightly adjusted.  But, I can also say that I have features that I know are beautiful and make me special.

However, what I feel more deeply and quite frequently, is a disconnection between how I see myself in my minds' eye (how I feel physically and how I see myself as a sexy, strong, and fit woman) in comparison to what I actually see staring back at me in the mirror or in a photograph.

And this disparity was never more evident than when I saw myself posted in a photograph on Facebook after white water rafting with some very Kick Ass Ladies in August of 2019.

Last summer I had the chance to do something that scared me.  I went white water rafting - something that I was too chicken to do and never had the opportunity to experience.  It was so much fun!  I loved it!  But when I checked Facebook to see the pictures that people posted, instead of remembering how exhilarating the experience of white water rafting was, instead of feeling proud for having jumped into the white rapids for a swim, instead of celebrating my fit body that allowed me to paddle hard, instead of relishing in the fact that I quickly swam across the Ottawa river with ease, I saw a terrible photo of myself after all of this glory and thought to myself, "AM I THAT FAT?".

I'm not joking.

It bothered me.

Like, for days.

I was down.

I was out.

I was wondering if I really knew who I was after all?

Can I actually be fit and strong and also look like that in a picture?  As I write this I can't help but think, no, it can't possibly be true.  I must not be as fit and as strong as I think I am...

Or maybe not?

Hmm....

After seeing that photo I had totally forgotten what the entire point of that day was all about.  My mind was totally hijacked.  I wasn't able to stay focused on what my body was able to do.  Instead I was sucked into how my body appeared in that photo.  Instead of being a woman of action and strength, I became a woman that was an object to be evaluated.

If this has happened to you, if you find yourself self-objectifying, then you HAVE TO read Beauty Sick.

In it I learned so many things about why I see myself as I do.  I learned that as women we are sick with worry about our appearance because we live in a world that causes illness when it comes to its beauty standards.  I realized that all the advice that I've tried doesn't work - no, not even walking through the "beautiful" door helps (thanks for nothing, stupid Dove commercials).  I realized that I have wasted so much time, energy and effort on something that really doesn't matter.

Instead, I now know that the only way for me to let go of this need to look the part is to thank my body for what it can do instead of focus on what it looks like.  I need to let go of the value I place on the importance of a woman's appearance and focus my energy on what I am capable of because of what my body has been able to help me do.

Like so many women out there, I've spent a lifetime fighting with my body instead of being good to it.  Instead of its best friend, I have been my body's worst enemy.  And now, it's my time to make amends and thank my body for everything it has done for me and seek forgiveness for everything that I have done to it.

What better way to do this than to literally ask for forgiveness and tell my body exactly what it's been needing to hear all these years?  Before I do so I'd like to thank you Renee Engeln for your book Beauty Sick and for inspiring me to amend my relationship with my body.

As difficult and gut wrenching as it may be, if you feel moved by what I'm about to write, I encourage you to do the same.  I'd love to read what you have to say to your body and acknowledge you for the many wonderful things that your body has done for you.

I have learned that every body is worth saying thanks to.

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Dear Body,

I am so sorry for the many times that I have not appreciated you for everything that you have done for me.  I am sorry for not listening to you.  I'm sorry for ignoring you.  I'm sorry for not giving you what you needed when you needed it.  I'm sorry for trying to shape you into something that you are not.

I'm sorry for expecting something from you that you are not capable of.  I'm sorry for not expecting more from you on some days and then expecting too much from you on others.  I'm sorry to have betrayed you by not acknowledging all of the things that you have done for me and all of the times that you have been there for me.

Even though you I have treated you so poorly in the past, you never gave up on me and for that I am forever grateful.

Because of you I have been able to accomplish so many wonderful things.  I am able to move about my day with ease.  You have given me legs that allow me do get to where I need to go. You allow me to go quickly or slowly depending on what I need.

You  have given me arms that can carry heavy loads.  These arms hold my children tight and given them a cozy space to enter when they need it. 

You have given me stamina to run my household (sometimes, it feels, almost completely by myself) and get through tough days at work.  You have given me the capacity to get an excellent education so that I can reach my full potential. I am strong because of you and I use that physical strength to get through tough days.

You have given me eyes that are not only beautiful but that can see beauty in the world every single day. You have given me hands that can write, create, cook and sooth.  I can see now how much you have given me.  I cannot believe how blind I have been all these years to all of the amazing things that you have done for me.

You have given me the most cherished gift that I have in my life.  You have given me two beautiful children that are my everything.  Without you I wouldn't have these two precious girls that make my life so complete.  You helped me make them, keep them safe and then bring them into this world.  How could I ever thank you enough for that?  I honestly don't know.

From this day on I shall work to acknowledge you instead of judging you.  I realize now that I have not been a good friend to you and I am determined to change my ways.  You have been the best and I will do everything in my power to make you feel that way.  Not just for your sake but for my sake, my children's sake, and for the sake of all of the amazing women that I know.

I'm sorry for being such a jerk and idiot.  You're not just some body, you're my body and I love you.  I wouldn't trade you in for anything.

Your best friend,

Raquel.