Too Much of Not Enough

 You have loved me since before I even existed

You have nurtured me with all of your heart

And provided for me in every way that you knew how

You saw yourself reflected in the bright blue of our eyes

The rosiness of our matching cheeks

I am a reflection of you in a frosted mirror

I hide under the cape of your care and the security of your embrace

Yet I feel unseen and misunderstood

I exist as a whirl of emotions that sometimes feels like too much

My ways are not fitting inside your box of logic and reason

My creativity roars and longs for an outlet 

I live in the shadow of your dreams 

The misunderstood black sheep of the family 

Carving my own path being my only sin 

I have spent countless times wondering if I’m good enough 

Not seeing my own value and unique abilities

I have spent years trying to measure up 

The imaginary meter stick illuding me at every turn 

Trying to achieve the thing that will make me acceptable

Trying to fit into that box of the ordinary

Rather than allow myself to be extraordinary

But I don’t blame you because you are who you are 

We all have our limits

We all have our own worldview

We all have our own twisted history

But from my perspective 

I’ve experienced a lifetime of being dearly loved

But only in parts

Only the bits and pieces that make sense to you

For me to be able to move on, I need to acknowledge our truth

To see you and I exactly as we are

Fully and finally letting go of what I never actually had

Before I am forced to let you go forever as I know that I eventually will

That day will forever come sooner than I want

I have had to mourn the loss of the relationship I wish we had

The one where I could go to you to say any thing

Do anything

Be anything 

Believe me when I say that I have tried to curate what we could be for so many years 

only to face the stubborn wall that has keept us apart

I am simultaneously exactly who you’d like me to be 

And everything you can’t understand

I will always feel like not enough and yet too much

I will always be your daughter

And you will always be the mother that I love in all the wrong ways

My Resolution to Flourish

I begin 2024 with a deep sense of pride. I am proud of what I have accomplished in the past year and how far I've come since I began making myself a priority. Too often, we start a new year with a resolution (a tradition that I loathe). What are New Year's Resolutions anyway? Just a collective self-deception that things will change just by wishing it to be so.

As I look back on some of the posts in this blog, I realize that, while they are not perfect, I see myself reflected in each one. I see my mindset, the deep changes I've undergone, some intense and sincere thoughts, emotions, and reflections. But most of all, I see my resolution to live life fully every day and to create for myself a life full of musings that inspire me to share with you (my dearest reader).

I don't feel awkward or ashamed to say I'm proud. And if I'm being 100% honest, I see my value for what feels like the first time ever. Mind you, I don't see it in every single aspect of my life, but I do see it in my intentional turning inwards, in my resolution to prioritize myself and my values. By doing so, I have opened up, and I can see and feel that I am flourishing.

What a great word. Flourishing.

What better word to describe exactly what I am feeling and how I am doing.

Don't get me wrong. It isn't a passive act. It is an ongoing intentional choice that requires dedication and resolve. I am prioritizing myself. I am examining my life, actions, behaviors, and words, determining if they are yielding the life that I want to live. It's hard work every day. Sometimes it's exhausting, but by doing so, I'm shedding some long-held seeds of self-doubt and finding that I am indeed flourishing!

I owe so much of this to some simple changes that I have made, to changing my perspective, to switching up how I spend my time, to prioritizing my health, to paying attention to what I put in my body, to curating with whom I spend my time, and to setting time for me to be in my own company.

If you're looking to do this too, be warned that it is hard work. You must be ready for it and willing to show up every day. There is no room for half-hearted attempts here, my friend.

You must carefully craft each aspect of your life so that it reflects who you truly are. If you find a problem, a void, or a contradiction, no one is going to change it for you. YOU are your best agent for change. YOU are capable of anything to make your life one that you feel fulfilled by and proud of. YOU have all the strength and ability to create whatever it is you desire. YOU just have to start doing whatever needs to be done by starting with one small step at a time.

Make that phone call.

Send that text.

Take that course.

Throw away that thing which no longer serves you.

Set aside time to do that right now.

Don't wait one more minute.

Don't wait for that fateful "one day" that will never come. Stop doubting yourself. Turn inwards to find who you truly are, what you truly love and value, and make your days reflect those many wonderful things that make you exactly who you were meant to be. Make this your resolution. Resolve to be steadfast to yourself, and undoubtedly you too will flourish.

A Reading Des(s)ert

So this summer has been a bit of a reading desert for me.  I certainly didn't read nearly as much as I usually do.  It's not as bad as I initially thought; now that I've added my summer titles it appears like a decent amount but it's certainly nowhere close to my norm.  

Why, you ask? I can think of a few reasons that lead to this outcome:

One, I tried to finish off reading a couple of books that I wasn't loving.  I really, really, really tried to get through them and I was hating it.  I kept putting them down and putting it off.  This was not a joyful way to read and made me feel stagnant and it stopped me from devouring book after book.

Two, I got deep into a podcast that took up a lot of my time.  It was exactly what I needed this summer and I'm so glad I did it.  But, rather than pick up a book or plug into my audio book, I pressed play for my podcast.  Although it took me away from my reading goal it was #worthit.

Three, I felt like reading might have been a bit of an avoidance tactic.  Rather than deal with the shit that I needed to deal with, rather than look inwardly, rather than sit in silence, I was filling my life with somone else's words.  When I came to this realization, I decided I needed a bit of mental silence.  I needed to hear my own thoughts and just be with me for a while.

But then again, being the reader that I am, I recently picked up a random book and started at it again and I'm feeling a nice balance between the voices in my head and the silence within.  Although I may not reach my 50 books for 2023 because of it but I'm ok with that.  I'm feeling calm.  I'm feeling in tune.  I'm ok either way.  And as simple as this radical acceptance sounds, this is certainly not how I've managed my life in the past.

Typically, I'm so hard on myself and demand not just "trying my best" but "being the best".  It wasn't helping me; it was crippling me. I know you're out there too calling yourself a "perfectionist" but honesly, calling yourself a perfectionist is just a way of covering up feelings of insecurity.  I'm not being harsh; I'm saying it as I've realized it about myself and I'm learning to just deal with it and love myself more.  You can too!

Be gracious.  Be gentle.  Be loving. Be you in all your imperfections.

It's ok!

As for my reading desert it's kind of led me to a summer of self love and calmness.  It's been a buffet of just being, of turning inward in order to open up.  It's been a sweet time for me to be there for me.  We're just finishing off this long weekend of September and it's the first time that I have truly, fully and intentionally enjoyed just being home in my own company.  I'm enjoying my staycation by simply being present in my life, with my family and spending quality time with myself.  It's been good.  Really, really good.

Ending the summer with a few good books has been a great last course to this summer buffet of self love.  I hope you can find a sweet ending to your summer too.

Think Like the Dying for a Life That's Worth Living

I'm in the process of growing some ideas about my career and where I see my future headed.  The crazy thing is that the more I open my heart, mind and soul to the possibility of doing something that really and truly makes me happy the more I've finding possibilities opening up before me.  

Although I'm not really ready to leave my career, I know that I can't do this forever; one, because I'm due to retire at some point and am simply looking foward to a change, and two, because this field has changed so fundamentally that I don't know if I want to be part of what it's becomming.

That being said, even though change in inevitable and I'm sure to enter a different chapter in my life at some point, I'm seeking ways to start laying the foundation for that future and redirecting my time towards the things that bring me great joy and will nourish my soul.  I don't want to find myself retiring with no idea of what I want to do with myself.

I know teaching has been a calling for me and that ultimately it is the life that I wanted; but if I'm being honest it's also the life that was expected of me based on society and based on my parents' expectations.  They are great parents and wanted me to have a secure job with great benefits and a pension.  That makes sense.  And I really and truly appreciate this part of my reality.  But did it lead me to the job that I really and truly in my heart of hearts wanted?

I dunno.

In Bronnie Ware's The Top Five Regrets of The Dying she shares inspirational life lessons that most people only come to learn on their death beds.  Here they all are in a nutshell:

Live the life YOU want.

Don't work so hard.

Allow yourself to have fun.

Stay in touch with friends.

Do not be afraid to express your true emotions.

So here I am thinking about what my future may hold and how I might be able to build more joy into an education system that has made me deeply, deeply unhappy since the start of the pandemic.  Don't get me wrong, I know that change can be good but the changes that were made were forced upon us and the end result left the classroom a dead husk of what it once was.  We need time to rebuild and reconsider what we're doing and to turn our faces away from screens and back towards one antoher's beautiful faces.

Becuase of where I am in my life and the state of education I'm asking myself if I'm living the life that I want?  Why am I working so hard 18 years into being a teacher (yes I know it's because I care but it's also becuase the system was turned into a shit show).  I'm asking myself, what do I do to really have fun, both in my personal life and while I'm at work.  What do I really and truly emjoy and how can I include that regularly in my life?

With the exception of my first year of teaching, the year the entire curriculum changed (and I changed schools at the same time), the pandemic was, by far one of the most challenging times in my career.  I worked so damn hard and the worst part is that I ended each day having felt like a failure.  This is because we aren't meat to grow up behind a screen.  We don't always learn best from a video or a document or a website.  The pervasive feeling of failure was hard to swallow and lead me to a very dark point in my life.

But since then, I've focused on enjoying life and having fun.  I've focused on reconnecting with old friends (whom, by the way were all so glad to hear from me and to this day contine to chat or meet regularly).  That has been a balm to my soul.  I've always known the importance of friends but I wasn't until I had lost touch with many of them that I realized what I was truly missing.

All of this I was doing without having read Ware's book.  Pretty incredible that I was led down this path through self reflection, meditation, and therapy in my 40s!

My last effort is in regards to beign brave enough to express how I truly feel.  I'm getting better and better at this.  Specifically when it comes to discussing mental health and what I've learned through therapy.  Funny enough I've noticed that my openness to my feelings and experiences can sometimes make peopel quite uncomfortable.  But I've come to learn that this discomfort is short lived and often helps others open up.  By being brave enough to show up emotionally, you'd be surprized how it makes space and inspires other to do the same.

What can you do to live your life to the fullest?  Are you living the life you truly want for yourself?  Do you have enough fun or are you working too much?  Are you connected with your friends?  Are you expressing your emotions and sharing how you truly feel?

Please!  Don't want until it's too late!  Don't end your life looking in the rearview mirror wishing you had done things differently.  Start rethinking your life now and build it so that you can live a joyful, peaceful, and enlightened life NOW! 

The Hydra Reborn

I'm so done with caring more than anyone else in my household about my household.  I already carry the burden of a full time job and on top of that it all the cooking, cleaning, scheduling, running around and managing that makes my home life my second full time job.  This is a common complaint amonst virtually every woman I know.  Like many women, it appears that the household and family are MY responsibility and my spouse is my "helper".  Tell me, does this sound familiar?

"I did the dishes for you honey!"

"What do you want me to clean?"

"Why are you complaining, didn't you notice I took out the garbage?"

If this sounds familiar then my dear I'm afraid you might be suffering from giving too many shits.  Yes, it's true.  So many women like myself care way too much about what's going on in their household and are forced to manage tasks that should be shared with a parter.  Not deligated to a "helper".  

This problem can be so pervasive that it reaches the point of making us sick.  Well, at least it has for me.

I wasn't able to put a name to this common frustration I find myself discussing with so many women.  I wasn't, that is, until I read Jess Zimmerman's Women and Other Monsters.  Great read if you're interested in reading about a reimaging of female figures in mytholoy while reminding us what it means to be a feminist.

Women have been cast as monsters for wanting too much, being too loud, being too large, nagging for what's only fair....

We need to stop working so hard only to be gas lit by a society that relies on women to not only work a day job but to then go home and be the household manager of the evening and NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT IT.  

We've come so far they say, why are you complaining?  You got this girl!  Woman power!  

Well I'm here to say F-that.

I'm telling you, we need to stop caring so much.  Not because we shouldn't care or that we don't actually care, but because we need to make room for other people to do some of the caring too.  The only way that's going to happen is if we make room for other members of the family to step up.  Do you know what that means?  It means things won't be perfect (gasp!) stuff may not get done (yikes!) dinner may not be incredible (oh no!).  But guess what?  At some point it will get done and hopefully, it won't just be you doing it all by yourself!

 I mean, if in the end the houshold knows I'm going to do it, why would anyone else?  

But for me it's more than just that, it's also pointing out to my spouse the language he uses that forces me into the managerial position.  I wish you could see the look on hs face when he asks what's for dinner and I respond with a casual, "I dunno - whatcha making honey?"

Turning language around on my spouse has been fun.  I'm considering how he approachs my managerial role on a regular basis by how he phrases his words and have decided to respond in kind.  Like, about the time when I said, "did you notice I made the bed for you?" to which he looked at me like I had 3 heads (because let's face it, he couldn't give a shit if the bed was made!).

Speaking of heads, I realy liked the reference to the mytholical creature known as the Hydra that Zimmerman makes in her book.  If you recall the Hydra is a monstrous creatue that cannot be beaten as once one of her many heads are cut off, two more grow in its place.  Zimmerman talks about a rebirth of the Hydra not so much as the multiheaded beast as we know it but in terms of the women's collective and femist movement.  Let's not let others cut us down or not give credit for the huge amount of emotional labour that we're often responsible for. 

If and when you hear or see an injustice towards women join me in becoming reborn as a collective monster with multiple heads.  Because together, there isn't anything that we can't conqer!