Is it Weird to not Want to be Normal?

Can books really come to life in such a way that we become completely lost in it?  Like, literally lost without the ability to find our way back?  Well if you've read Inkheart by Cornelia Funke you'd know that yes, yes you can.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about books and the role that they play in my life.  I have been thinking about why I have always turned to books as a form of solace, release, rejuvenation, exploration, connection and healing.  In my family, reading was and continues to be the norm but in the greater social circle that I'm part of, I am a bit of a weirdo. 

Imagine this; I’m up at the cottage and while everyone else is up late drinking, partying, playing cards or munching on leftovers while razzing each other, I'm off to bed early with a flashlight in one hand, my handy dandy earplugs and a book in my lap ready to dive right into it and leave the world behind.  

Nerdy?  Yes.  But, totally me?  Absolutely.

And I won't apologize for it.

I now know that part of the reason why books are such a huge part of my life is because, at my deepest core, I am most certainly an introvert (something I learned of course, by reading a book!).  I am an introvert who has become really, really good at passing as an extrovert.  Heck, working in a job that requires me to be extroverted almost the entire day (thank you teaching).  After a day of playing the part and living in a world that won't let me be be quiet and spend time on my own (because in an extroverted world, that's weird) books have been my excuse to exist in my truest form. 

To be alone and quiet in my own thoughts while in conversation with a listener who is doing all the talking is to read a really great book.

I know this might seem weird.  But I'd rather enjoy my weird ness and let the ink on the pages speaks to my heart than be a normal person pretending not to be who they truly are.

p.s. If, my dear readers you are wondering what book I read that helped me come to terms and accept that I am truly an introvert, try reading Susan Cain's Quiet! The Power Of Introverts in a World That Cant's Stop Talking.  It's in my top 10 of biblio-therapeutic books that helped me figure out things in my life.

An Act of Inaction

As the new school year looms around the corner, I'm left facing some difficult questions; will this year be as awful for me as last year?  How can I continue to feel open, happy and joyful even as the stressors of work close in on me?  Who will I be for myself, my colleagues and my future students once I return to the daily grind?

These are some of the worries that I'm harboring lately.  

At first I wanted to look away and not talk about it, think about it, or even acknowledge it's existence.  But I've come to the realization that this serves me no purpose other than to add to my suffering.  The truth is that there are some things in life that pop up and into our hearts, minds or maybe even our souls.  For many of us, our first reaction is to turn away, maybe even to run away, because facing them head on is much too difficult.  But this year I'm making a real effort to face my demons, sit within their presence, and let their power wash over me and then let them dissolve away as I make room for them to just exist.

You see, the problem I have is that I'm a natural born worrier.  Either because it's in my DNA or because it's what I learned to do.  Either way, I tend to think, over think and then think some more.  All this thinking sounds great but when that thinking becomes like a never ending loop of worries and concerns and what-ifs that get me nowhere, then the worrying serves no purpose but to confuse me into thinking that I have some sort of control over things.

This idea of worrying as a form of control came to me while reading "Depression Hates a Moving Target" by Nita Sweeny and it literally stopped me in my tracks.

Aha!  Finally someone was able to make sense of why I (and so many people I know) end up turning to worry on the daily.  In a world that seems to be spinning out of control, worrying gives you something to hold onto.  It's not because we care.  It's not because it'll help us figure things out.  And it's certainly not because it's our job (as moms, as women, or as whatever you identify with).  It's our visceral response as we grapple with the uncertainty of life. 

Thankfully, I've spent a lot of time lately working on my thinking and behaviors and what I've come to learn is that instead of worrying, I need to get off the hamster wheel of overthinking and take action instead.  

The action is simple.  It's actually kind of inaction really.  

It's the idea that you can have difficult thoughts and emotions and all you really need to do is just sit with them.  To just give them some room to breathe and then let them slowly wash away.  It's an act that requires a whole lot of courage but very little action.

Let go.  Let it be.  Do not judge.  Just exist with your thoughts, feelings and emotions in a non-judgmental way.  Find the flow of living a life where you are no longer clawing for some semblance of control.  

Instead, accept that there is no control.  There is no certainty.  There is just the here and now.  It requires no judgement.  Just a little bit of space.

That small act of making space and letting go is all I'll really need to keep floating along the tides of life this year and really, for all my days to come.

I hope you can join me in this task.  Take charge by letting go.  Stop the thoughts and just rest in the soft and comforting truth that this is what it is and that's all.

Lycanthropy

The wolf has been visiting me in various forms this past week.  For one, I'm currently slightly obsessed with Shakira's song She Wolf.  It's become part of my regular rotation as I prepare for my 5k run (a personal goal I have had for a long time now that is finally coming to fruition!) and it has inspired me to find the wolf within and keep running to reach my goal.  I found myself singing She Wolf under my breath all weekend.  Sometimes this small musical obsession felt great and sometimes it felt like a nagging feeling that I just couldn't shake.  

It got me thinking that perhaps there's something out there that this song is trying to tell me?

But then while I was reading The Break by Katherena Vermette, the wolf visited me again for a second time and it got me thinking about what this call of the wolf could mean.  In the novel, when Cheryl discusses some of the art she is working on, she describes how she has depicted the women in her life as wolves.  At first I didn't see the connection between the women and wolves as I envision wolves as a masculine symbol; a lone hunter stalking its prey in the dark. To me the wolf is something scary.  Something to protect myself and my family from.  

But further investigation reveals that it "represents loyalty, strong family ties, good communication, education, understanding, and intelligence.  Of all land animals, the Wolf has the strongest supernatural powers and is the most accomplished hunter.  The Wolf is a very social and communicative creature, he uses body movement, touch and sound." (Spirits of the West Coast Art Gallery)

Wait a sec!  This is nothing like what I initially envisioned a wolf to be like.  

And hold on, I have to ask: are we describing a wolf here, or is this a description of a kick-ass woman?

The truth is that so many women are devoted to their family and friends.  We are deeply loyal, finding a way to get dinner on the table while juggling ten thousand small tasks and making sure homework gets done on the side.  We communicate with the slightest sigh, a mere glace or a full on lecture on the birds and the bees; our body and voice work in sync to protect and provide for the pack.  We are making it all happen without making it look hard. 

Do you know a she wolf like this?  

I know I do.

After realizing that the wolf was a symbol that was following me around I then had the chance to spend some time with a woman who I really love and admire.  As we talked and caught up it occurred to me that she is truly a she wolf.  She is fiercely providing for and protecting her family during some difficult times.  She might chalk it up to doing what needs to be done to make her marriage and family work but her power to survive what is happening is nothing short of supernatural.  

And she is not the only one.  There are women everywhere whose power is formidable.  Just look at all that we are able to accomplish, all the people we are holding up and all that we are juggling in our daily lives.  We might try to mask how hard it is and try to make it look easy but as Shakira suggests, we need to let that she wolf out so it can breathe.

The amazing thing about great power is that it comes with great responsibility and if we're not careful, we may end up using our wolf power to keep things going that simply aren't working.  Like funneling all our energy and abilities into a difficult marriage or unhealthy family dynamic at the risk of our own physical and mental well being.

But we don't need to do that.  

Yes, we are strong.  Yes, we are devoted.  Yes we are loyal (sometimes to a fault).  

But the truth is that we don't need to use our she wolf power to always make things work out.  To always nourish and protect others.  Sometimes we need to use our power to stop and say enough is enough.  Sometimes we need to be fiercely loyal just to ourselves. Sometimes being strong is to let go because enough is enough.  Sometimes the way we provide is by taking away.  Sometimes we have to say no in order to say yes.  

Just as wolves have territories and boundaries we need to set healthy boundaries for our power and strength.  When we can do that, then that's when we will see how truly powerful lycanthropy is.  It's about doing more than transforming into a wolf; it's about knowing how powerful you are and channeling your power in ways that simultaneously protects others and yourself.

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Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

I began this post quite some time ago after reading Ogre Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine.  I made a few notes about the book but then wasn't able to write about it for a couple of reasons.  I hate to blame the pandemic because I feel like I've been blaming the pandemic for a lot of things lately, but the truth is the pandemic really did shake things up for me.  

Firstly, work suddenly became highly computer based which led to me clocking an insane number of hours sitting in front of the computer.  And as a result I learned that I am not built for a desk job!  After sitting chained to my desk all day the thought of sitting in front of the computer to write this blog was something I simply couldn't stomach.  Secondly, my mind was so ensnared in the worry and anxiety of the pandemic that not only did I read less, but day by day I felt that I had less and less to contribute in terms of meaningful communications and connections between the books I was reading and the world around me.  The world was turned upside down and I didn't recognize the life I was living nor could I even recognize who I had become while living it it.  

I get that we did what we had to do in order to keep ourselves and one another safe but in doing so my world became unrecognizable to me and as a result I became unrecognizable to myself.  Nearly all of the things that inspired me and brought me the greatest joy slowly disappeared and the woman I was so proud to be quietly eroded away.  

The impact social isolation had on me did not hit home until too late into the process. I suspect my focus on fear and anxiety during the pandemic blinded me from that.

As a result my willing letting go of so many things that made me who I am over 2020 and 2021 unwittingly transformed me without my knowledge.  I became someone I quite literally didn't recognize in the mirror and honestly, I had no idea how I got there. 

This idea of transformation is exactly what Levine's Ogre Enchanted is about.  Evie is transformed into an Ogre against her will and she is forced to navigate the world as a hideous monstrous best.  The novel points out that we can exist on two sides and that we need to accept ourselves for who we are.  That we need to not only love ourselves but love others as well regardless of circumstances.

How perfectly timed the insights this book are as I reflect on my not so positive pandemic transformation.  Here I am now reflecting on who I was, who I became and who I want to be.  

The strange thing is that I've been pitting my pre-pandemic self up against the post pandemic self thinking they are two different versions of me.  But the truth is that they are simply two side of the same coin.  

One side is the self confident, passionate, positive and outgoing productive go getter who is surrounded by family, friends, music, culture, and creativity and the other side is the introspective, introverted, self-reflective, self-critical, anxious and self doubting version of me that has grown out of too much social isolation.

I often think that both versions of me can't exist at the same time.  But the truth is that they can and they are just two sides of the same old me.  

At first this freaked me out because this makes we wonder who I really am?  

Can I be more than one thing at the same time?  

I supposed I can!

Just like a diamond, we are all multifaceted.  And that is what makes us beautiful. So if ever you look in the mirror and feel like you're lost or that you don't recognize who you've become, remember that you are just you and that this is just one part of who you really are.  No one thing or version of yourself  can fully define you.

And when the pressure is on and life has got you down remember that diamonds are simply carbon put under pressure.  It's the pressure that brings out the diamond's strength, luster and beauty.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, then girl (or whomever you are), be your own best friend and love yourself and all the parts of you that are brilliant, radiant and beautiful.

What Got You Here, Won't Get You There

Sorry it's been so long my dear readers!  I've been busy reading and searching for the inspiration for my next post but found that it took some time to come to me.  It's be a long journey but thanks to Rebecca Serle's One Italian Summer, I've finally found my muse!

And the inspiration comes from this simple quote: 

"What got you here, won't get you there. The the same set of circumstances, beliefs actions that got you to a moment won't get you to what comes next.  That if you want a different outcome, you have to behave differently. You have to keep evolving."

I just love this idea and I love how timely it is.  You see, I recently participated in my first ever 5k race.  It was on my bucket list of thing to accomplish in my life and boy am I ever glad that I did.  It was so inspiring, empowering and emotional for me.  It impacted me positively both physically and mentally.  To run the 5k was a huge goal I had set for myself and, aside from the aches and pain, bumps and bruises, it was the best decision I have made in a long time.  Going from couching to running was an amazing journey.

And the best part about training for and participating in the 5k was that it interrupted my "here".  I had to do things differently to get to "there".  I had to get up off my ass.  I had to keep up with the scheduled runs and I had to keep evolving my training as I improved.  And the biggest lesson from it all is that even when I doubted myself (and boy did I ever!) and thought I may not make it to the distance I had hoped for (by the way, I most certainly did!), I just kept repeating actions and restating believes that I needed in order to succeed.  

This interruption to my routine certainly got me to where I wanted to go and my goal is to keep travelling the distance so that I can continue to evolve.

I hope that you will also find a way to interrupt your circumstances so that you can get to where you  want to go!  I wish for you to find behaviors that lead to the outcomes you desire.  I encourage you to continue to evolve.  After all, it is survival of the fittest, isn't it?