Feminism Is Not A Dirty Word

Walking through a high school you may (or may not) be surprised by how many times you'll hear the f-word on a daily basis.  What's most remarkable is how versatile the world is and the many ways it can be conjugated.  Whether a noun, verb, adjective, or adverb it is ubiquitous and a central part of teen culture as it naturally rolls off the tongues of youth.

But not all f-words are as well used or as dirty as the one I hear in the hallways everyday.  The f-word that I wish I did hear more often (and choose to bring up here in this post) is one that can make people cringe but isn't used nearly enough.

It's feminism.

I just finished reading We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.  This is a very short printed version of her December 2012 TEDx Euston  talk.  If you're interested in watching her talk, here is the link:  https://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_ngozi_adichie_we_should_all_be_feminists?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

This tiny book, based on her 30 minute talk was worth reading.  It pointed out that there are some conversations that are difficult to have. That people can get irritable, uncomfortable or threatened by certain subjects. It reminded me that there are some things we simply cannot dismiss. That we cannot resist some topics because we must change the status quo.

Talking about subjects like gender inequality and sexism is difficult but necessary.  Standing up for what's right is hard.  But if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

This past weekend we celebrated International Women's Day.  Yesterday many of us reached out to all the women in our lives and shared our love for one another.

Dear reader, who is it that you love?  What is it that you stand for?  What are you willing to fight for?  Who are you willing to defend?  Will your observance of International Women's Day go beyond simply sending a text message to the ladies in your life or are you willing to do something more?

I know times have changed and we have come a long way since the times of our mothers and grandmothers.  But as Adichie points out, culture does not make people.  People are the ones making culture.  In what ways are you shaping the culture that you live in into what you want it to be?  In what ways are you shaping this world for women everywhere?

Let's not be passive and just send a text.  Let's make change one step at a time for the sake of all women and all humanity.

For f's sake, let's remember that feminism is not a dirty word.

More Than Just a Label, More Than Just a Dreamer

There are times in my life when I ask myself, do I really know who I am?  I mean seriously, how much of my self concept is shaped by who I truly know myself to be, versus who I think I am?

Do I have a true self?

Or, am I merely a reflection of who I think others think I am?

In 2015 when I suffered a concussion that took forever to go away I had plenty of time to contemplate life as I recovered.  As I lay there in a dark and quiet room trying to unscramble my concussed brain, I started to ask myself some deep questions.  I started to examine my life.

Am I where I want to be?  Am I who I wish to be?  Is my life a reflection of who I am, my talents and my values?  Or am I merely living a reflection of what I believe is expected of me?

Have you ever wondered about this?  Does this resonate with you?

In See Me by Nicholas Sparks both the main characters end up living a life that is in line with what they thought others expected from them.  It's only when they finally let go of their pasts and the expectations of others that they finally break free.  They are then able to tap into their true selves and talents.  It is only then that they discover who they really are.

When I read this book it made me wonder in what ways I have shaped my life around others peoples' expectations and labels.  I wondered if I have shaped my life the way that I have simply because I believed it was what was expected of me.

Time for a little story...

Growing up I was considered the black sheep of my nuclear family.  Although I knew it wasn't really true, I took that label to heart thinking that there was something inherently "other" about me simply because the path I took, the dreams I had, and some of the choices I had made were not consistent with what others had in mind for me.  Honestly, I know I'm no black sheep; perhaps I'm a bit of a shade of grey, but certainly I'm no black sheep!

Perhaps this label stemmed from the fact that I'm a pretty creative person.  In fact, sometimes I'm a bit of a dreamer.  You'll catch me exclaiming "I have a vision!" and then describe some wild plan for something that I envision to be cool, beautiful, special, or unique.  I am creative and imaginative and I tend to follow my gut knowing that things can often work out even without a perfect plan.  Sometimes my imagination and creativity can result in amazing things and sometimes my dreams fizzle and die.

I know that sometimes my dreams are a bit wack and that others may not get them.  I also get that some of my ideas go nowhere.  In truth, creativity is easier to dream up than to execute and not everyone gets my vision.

Most recently I've had to let go of a dream that I've held deep in my heart.  A vision that I've had for me and my family. 

Most people don't know that I've always dreamed of doing a big family trip to Portugal to reunite the family that my parents created here in Canada with the family that they had to leave behind when they immigrated from Portugal.  This year, being the year of my parent's 50th anniversary was the year I envisioned to be the year for this dream to finally come true.

I mean honestly, no one is getting any younger here and what better reason to make this dream come true than to do it in honor of my parent's 50 year long marriage?

However, my dream will not become a reality.  This is my dream and and mine alone.  My mother is not interested. Her dream for commemorating her 50th is fundamentally different and doesn't include a big trip.

If I'm being 100% honest I get it.  It's her anniversary not mine.  Yet I can't help but feel sad because to me a family trip like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Think about it...

Wouldn't it be amazing to go back to the chapel where my parents got married 50 years ago and recreate that special moment when they first said "I do"?  Wouldn't it be grand to go back to the banquet hall where they had their reception and take a photo in the same exact place where they ceremoniously cut their cake - this time surrounded by their children, sons in law and grand daughters?

Unfortunately, my mother's dream for her 50th does not include any of that.  The truth is my mother and I think differently.  We always have.  And although I respect her choice to celebrate in a way that is in line with her vision and values, I cannot help but feel a loss.  A loss for this dream which first began in my teenage years.  A loss for an opportunity which I feel we will never again have.  A loss for having a vision that didn't inspire others.

This story is a perfect example of my dreamer like tendancy.  I suppose it's the "black sheep" in me that dreams up these scheme.  It also serves as a reminder of the many times that I was called "a dreamer" with a slight disapproving yet amused shake of the head.  I can hear my mother's voice echo through my past saying, "only you Raquel, would come up with an idea like that".

That label of being an unrealistic dreamer is one that I still carry around with me.

And because of that label I have spent years considering myself a dreamer but no a doer.  I never saw myself as actually doing anything with my dreams.  Before I started my personal journey in 2015 to make my life a juicy, joyful and awesome existence, I found myself constantly dreaming of what my life could be like and found myself wishing for more.  Wishing for “one day”.

I could imagine my life differently but I didn't think that I could actually do it.

Has this ever happened to you?

The problem with labels is that they tend to stick.  So in by being called a dreamer I thought that's all I'd ever be.  Someone with great imagination and creativity that just dreamed things up but never made anything actually happen.  Now I know that I'm much more than that.

I know my dreams are not anyone else's and that I cannot make anyone do anything that they're not wanting to do.  I know that shouldn't stop me from continuing to be creative.  Because in my visions are great ideas that could inspire others.  This blog is one of those dreams that my family might say is nuts but who knows - there must be something good that will come of it, no?

I want to live my life achieving and fulfilling my dreams.  I don't want to just have creative ideas that fizzle and die.  I want to live a creative life.

I want to look at my life and be able to say that today is that day that I am living for me.  This life is the life that I want.  Today is the day that I am living my life as I envision it; not a life that lies in the confines of the labels that others choose to give me.

I am more than just a dreamer.  I am a dreamer who is dreaming up and creating an inspiring life that will leave a mark on this world.

Black sheep or not I'm just going to go ahead and do it.  I will not wait for "one day" for it to happen.  Because I honestly believe that one day is today.

Are You Willing To Pay The Price?

Sometimes I find myself rereading books that I have already read.  Sometimes it's because: a) I really loved it and want to reread that book and enjoy it a second time, b) I feel like I need a second read to fully absorb what the book had to say, and c) I completely forgot that I had read it in the first place (oops!).

When it came to Robert T. Kiyosaki's Rich Dad's Guide to Becoming Rich I must admit that it was a little bit of option b) and c).  First of all I honestly and completely forgot that I had read this book (come on, it was book #35 out of 71 books that I read in 2019...can you forgive me for forgetting?) and secondly, I really needed a second reading to truly be able to make sense of what I wanted to get out of the book.

As you can imagine Rich Dad's Guide to Becoming Rich has to do with financial management.  This, if you know me at all, is not something I am passionate about.  I mean I'd love to be rich but I'm not really into learning all about it how to do it (dumb, I know).  If I'm going to be completely honest here, if I never had to think about financial management ever again in my life, I wouldn't feel any sense of loss.  I am not passionate about it and honestly, I don't feel like I'm good at it so of course (what do we do when we feel insecure?) I kind of, sort of, (ok fine) almost totally, try to completely avoid it if I can.

But you and I both know that avoiding financial management is a recipe for disaster.  I know that I need to smarten up and get more financially literate.  So in true character, I went out and read a book about it.  Actually as I already admitted, I read a book TWICE about it.

As I read this book for the second time I could distinctly remember the narrative portion of the book.  The little stories that Kiyosaki told to illustrate his points clicked with me and I remembered them well.  But a lot of the advice specific to financial management felt like I had never heard at all.  Like it was completely new information.

Yikes!

I believe that when we're uncomfortable with something in life, even if we want to make a positive change about it, we have to take a deep breath and then move forward in baby steps.  We need to start in the shallow end and then work our way into the deep.  We need to stay within a comfortable zone so that we can move in the right direction and not drown on the spot.

Consider someone who is sedentary who wants to become fit - should they start by training for a marathon or should they start by getting up and walking to the mailbox?

For me, reading the book a second time helped me identify what I have been doing, the small changes to my finances that I have already made, and some potential changes that are in my future.  It's not like I got nothing out of the first read of the book; it helped me make some changes that were akin to walking to the mailbox.  For someone who's not into financial management there was only so much I could take in the first time around.  This time around, I got quite a lot more out of it.

I admit that I've had to get up and walk to the mail box when it comes to financial literacy.  I'm no where near a marathon and I'm not ashamed to admit it.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses and money management isn't my forte.  But if I'm willing to make a change, to learn, to do something different, then to me it's not a weakness; it's an area for improvement.

Financial literacy is one of my areas of improvement and I'm glad I read this book because it offered some great advice that applies not only to wealth building goals, but also to life building goals.

Don't we all have areas in our lives that need a change?  Are you looking to make an improvement?

Well I am.

After reading Rich Dad's Guide to Becoming Rich I realized that the key messages about financial management apply to almost any aspect of life you you're looking to change.

For example, how many of you feel like you're somehow a failure?  You've failed in your marriage, you've failed in your health, you've failed as a parent, you've failed at your job - the list can go on and on.

This book taught me that failure is a verb not a noun.  In fact, I say this to my students all the time.  We so often fail at something (verb) and then consider ourselves a failure (noun).  But that is not true.  The only true fail is when we don't even give something a chance.  As the great Wayne Gretzky said, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

So many of us want to change areas in our lives that we feel we fail at but are we willing to get up and just do it.  Are you willing to do what it takes?  Are you willing to pay the price?

This book points out that in order to achieve something you need get going and pay the price.  Actually not just pay the price, but pay twice the price.

Want to get fit?  Not only do you need to pay the price by going to the gym, but you also need to Pay the price of eating healthier too.  Want to excel at your job?  For me, to be a better teacher for kids who struggle I can't just work on pedagogy and curriculum. I also have to know what it means to be a student who struggles and what the experience of sitting in a classroom is like for them. That's paying twice the price.

To get good at something we have to be willing to do the hard work that's required to get us there.  What's the hard work that you need to do in order to achieve your goals?  What is the price you have to pay?  Are you willing to pay it twice?

Whatever your goal just get moving.  Kiyosaki uses Newton's laws to make his point.  Not only do they make sense in terms of building weath, but they also work beautifully with achieving any goal.

How do you get started on making a change in life?  The answer: you need to get moving.  Consider Newton's law that you need a force to set something in motion.  Then, once in motion a body will stay in motion.  If you make no move for a change, a body a rest stays at rest.

To achieve your goals you need to interrupt the patterns of behavior that keep perpetuating the situation you are trying to change.  Get up off the couch and start walking.  Stop yelling at your kids and use deep breathing to control your frustration.  Stop buying stuff you don't need and put some money away each week.  Once you get moving you can then continue in that direction.  If you never start, you'll never get going.

I cannot think of a single behavior that cannot be interrupted by making a small change.  Both your action and inaction matter.

Yes, it might be hard.  Yes you might need to pay the price, but isn't reaching your goal worth it?

Kiyosaki points out that "You can become rich by being cheap, but the problem is that although you are rich, you are still cheap".  Really folks, at the end of the day if you try to achieve your goals by avoiding your problems, at the end of the day even though you've achieved your goals, you still have problems.  Nothing really changes.

Take charge to make a change and achieve your goals.  Building wealth in your life is about more than just money; it's about being willing to pay the price to achieve your life goals whatever they may be.

Start Using Your Good Dishes, For Real

I just finished reading Margery Williams' children's book The Velveteen Rabbit.  You might be wondering why I decided to read a children's story.  Well, although I read this book years ago as a child, in recent months it has been referenced in the books I've read on two separate occasions.  One specific part of The Velveteen Rabbit was quoted and I felt like it was a sign.  I heard a voice calling which got me thinking that there is something there for me to find.

So, I went out and got my hands on the book and re-read it in all its glory as a full fledged adult.  I didn't even read it to my kids - I read it for me (which I think kind of weirded my kids out - oh well).

The section of the book that was referenced was the part where the bunny asks the skin horse, "What is real?"  and then the horse explains it to him:  ""Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, than you become Real.""

The rabbit listens and understands that becoming real is difficult.  In becoming real you get to be loved but in the process your hair thins out, your whiskers fall out and you get "very shabby".  Being real, The Skin Horse explains, is not about how you were made, it's about what happens to you in life.

Being real, I realized is ultimately about allowing yourself to live fully by opening yourself up to being vulnerable.

By being vulnerable we allow ourselves to be loved.  As the Skin Horse points out, if we have edges that are too sharp or break easily then we cannot live fully.  We have to be tough and not break easily otherwise we cannot truly live life to the fullest.  The Skin Horse continues by clarifying that real isn't ugly.  Even though the prospect of becoming damaged as a result of being vulnerable sounds ugly, it is not, "except to people who don't understand."

How often do you place yourself in a position of vulnerability?  How often do you allow yourself to be open to love and living life to the fullest?  Will you let yourself run the risk of getting hurt?  Of getting damaged, lost, abused, or forgotten?

Too often we look at vulnerability and think, nope - that's not for me!  I'd rather not be used.  I'd rather not be abused.  I'd rather not be forgotten.  I'd rather protect myself.

But here's the thing; by protecting yourself you end up being trapped.  You can't experience love and life and all of its joys if you're hiding yourself away in fear of becoming damaged.

This makes me think of the good dishes that sit in my china cupboard.  Every time I pull them the guests' nervousness is palpable.  You see, most people keep their good china safe in the china cabinet for many years.  It remains in pristine condition because it is only used on rare occasions.  It's special, delicate, and expensive, so logically one doesn't want it to get damaged.  Makes sense, I guess.  Do you know someone like that?  Maybe that's you?

Honestly, as much as it makes sense I just don't get it.  I really, really don't.  What's the point of beautiful dishes that one never gets to use and enjoy?  You may as well not have them at all!

I'd rather use my good dishes.

I'd rather see my dishes be used even if it means they could get broken.  I'd rather them become chipped and lose their sheen than be locked in the cupboard never to be pulled out waiting for "one special day".  Dishes that get used get to see family and friends sitting around the table, they get to hear the latest scandals and updates and laugh at the politically incorrect jokes by the inappropriate uncles.  They get to witness my children and nieces grow up and blossom into beautiful young women.  The dishes in the cupboard miss out because they remain trapped - never living to their full potential.

Now I know that people are not good china, but here's what I'm beginning to understand; as I'm starting to see the tell tale signs of growing older and aging I can see the chips and loss of sheen when I look at myself in the mirror.  Sometimes it kind of scares me.  I can see the wrinkles and grey hair peeking over the corners of my eyes and hiding above my temples.

The older I get the more shabby I seem to look.  The older I get the more chances I've had to be broken and hurt.  The older I get the more I put myself out there.  As such I am carry the scars that tell my life story and make me who I am.

Are you getting shabbier too?  Or are you sitting in the china cupboard waiting for one day to come out and experience life?

Even though I can see myself getting shabbier every year, the older I get the fuller my heart is.  The older I get the more joys I have experienced.  Sometimes it feels like with age, the load of life gets heavier but at the same time I'm also getting stronger.

In spite of life's heavy load and all that shabbiness that comes with age The Velveteen Rabbit reminded me that along with all of that we become real.

Real means we've lived.  Real means we were alive.  Real means we were engaged in life and yes, sometimes hurt along the way but in the end we sure as hell had one good ride.

Real means we've allowed ourselves to be vulnerable and come out the other side scythed yet lovely and beautiful.  Real means we don't just sit in the cupboard waiting for a special occasion to be seen.

Let's be vulnerable and embrace the shabbiness of life.  Let's pull out the good dishes for the sake of being real.

I'm A Writer, Right?

The truth is I find it hard to call myself a writer.

I mean obviously, I'm sitting here writing this blog, but does that seriously make me a writer?

The reason why I say this is because I have never heard anyone call me a writer.  I mean, I've been called many a thing, but never a writer.

Strangely enough, over the last year stories of writers finding their voice have visited me in one book or another.  I began 2019 with a book called  Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and I ended it with Surfside Sisters by Nancy Thayer.  These two novels book-ended 2019 (consequently my year of failing as a writer - just read my post The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly to find out why) and it haunted me.  I could hear the voices of these authors calling me to write, to find my voice, to connect with others and to let my voice be heard but I couldn’t quite find the words or the courage to make it happen.

I suppose my ability to label myself as competent or valued in a particular way stems from a deep seated need for validation from others.  To see value in myself I often wait for it to be seen by others.  Have you ever been there?  I mean, have you ever doubted yourself and then waited until someone else was able to believe in you first?

Come on people, I know I'm not alone.

Even in Joanne Goodman’s novel The Home for Unwanted Girls I heard and understood how we define our ourselves by how others see us.  How other's opinions of us validate our existence and influence our choices.  Although not explicitly about being writer, this novel helped me realize the importance of writing your own story and not letting others do it for you (or to you).  I understood how finding your voice means empowering yourself by being in control of your life narrative.

Hold on, I need a moment of brutal honesty here folks before I continue...

Even though I truly believe in the power of writing one's own narrative, of being the one who is calling the shots, paradoxically, I often don’t feel safe to do so.  I don't always feel safe believing in myself. As I mentioned, I don't exactly feel right calling myself a writer.

What am I so afraid of?  Why do I have this inner voice of self doubt?  Why is it that I rely so heavily on the validation of others?  I have spent a lifetime writing my thoughts down in journals.  I have written way too many essays for school.  In my youth I wrote love letters a plenty to old boyfriends.  I have created countless lessons and assignments for an endless number of students.  I write a letter of gratitude to each of my daughters every year for their birthday.  So I know that I write.

How can I have written so much and yet not consider myself a writer?  I mean if this blog not testament enough to my commitment to writing then what is?

I suppose I may only come to accept myself when I reach a certain level of accomplishment that will validate me.  I believe that this stems from how I was raised.  I know I am loved dearly but I also know that the way to gain attention, approval and recognition is often by achieving something.

So here's the part where I admit that I check the stats for this blog.  Actually, I check pretty frequently.  Like almost every day.  Okay fine, sometimes more than once a day.

Why?

I'm looking to see if anyone is reading what I've written.  I’m searching for which posts they are reading, how often they are visiting the blog, if they've commented on a particular post, and if they have subscribed.  I'm hoping to reach 50 subscribers by June 30, 2020 and the process so far has been slow and a bit nerve wracking.  Because deep down inside I need to know that someone is looking.  That someone sees me and acknowledges what I'm trying to accomplish here.  That this blog matters.  That I matter.

Which makes me question what happens if no one is reading? Does it even really matter if I reach 50 subscribers?  Isn't the fact that I'm writing this blog at all good enough?

If in the end no one validates my work then is it of any value at all?  As my words fall on this page if no one is out there reading them then do they actually make a sound?

I suppose the answer is yes.

Because even if no one else reads this blog I know that at least I have it for me.  And if not for me then it is a legacy to be left behind for the people I love the most.  It's has become part of my life narrative.

It's at times like this that I can't help but think about my maternal grandmother who gave me so much.    She was illiterate and could not speak English.  I have so many fond memories of her.  She taught me so much.  She showed me how to be uma mulher de guerra and quite possibly the most domesticated feminist you'll ever meet.  And yet, as close as we were there was a distance between us.

I cannot tell you how many times there were things that were left unspoken between us.  There was so much I wanted to know about her.  So much I wanted to say.  As a teen I distinctly remember wanting to say “I love you” in Portuguese but I couldn’t.  I literally didn’t know how.  I didn’t learn the translation until it was too late.  She passed away in 1997 and I will never speak to her or hear her words of wisdom again as the chapters of her story have already come to a close.

I wish my grandmother could have written her life story down for me.  I wish I could have known her better.  I wish her words could still be with me today - that I could still hear her voice or even just simply read one of her recipes. 

Sigh...

I can't change any of that.  But I can change what I'm doing now and in my future.

By writing this blog, regardless of who reads it or not, at least my story won’t be lost.  My words will not be forgotten.  Regardless of how many followers, page visits or comments my story will live on and make me stronger regardless of whether or not I consider myself a writer.

I will not wait for external validation.  I will not wait for someone to see me and tell me what I'm doing here is worthwhile.  I will continue doing what I'm doing because it’s alright to call myself a writer.