Lycanthropy

The wolf has been visiting me in various forms this past week.  For one, I'm currently slightly obsessed with Shakira's song She Wolf.  It's become part of my regular rotation as I prepare for my 5k run (a personal goal I have had for a long time now that is finally coming to fruition!) and it has inspired me to find the wolf within and keep running to reach my goal.  I found myself singing She Wolf under my breath all weekend.  Sometimes this small musical obsession felt great and sometimes it felt like a nagging feeling that I just couldn't shake.  

It got me thinking that perhaps there's something out there that this song is trying to tell me?

But then while I was reading The Break by Katherena Vermette, the wolf visited me again for a second time and it got me thinking about what this call of the wolf could mean.  In the novel, when Cheryl discusses some of the art she is working on, she describes how she has depicted the women in her life as wolves.  At first I didn't see the connection between the women and wolves as I envision wolves as a masculine symbol; a lone hunter stalking its prey in the dark. To me the wolf is something scary.  Something to protect myself and my family from.  

But further investigation reveals that it "represents loyalty, strong family ties, good communication, education, understanding, and intelligence.  Of all land animals, the Wolf has the strongest supernatural powers and is the most accomplished hunter.  The Wolf is a very social and communicative creature, he uses body movement, touch and sound." (Spirits of the West Coast Art Gallery)

Wait a sec!  This is nothing like what I initially envisioned a wolf to be like.  

And hold on, I have to ask: are we describing a wolf here, or is this a description of a kick-ass woman?

The truth is that so many women are devoted to their family and friends.  We are deeply loyal, finding a way to get dinner on the table while juggling ten thousand small tasks and making sure homework gets done on the side.  We communicate with the slightest sigh, a mere glace or a full on lecture on the birds and the bees; our body and voice work in sync to protect and provide for the pack.  We are making it all happen without making it look hard. 

Do you know a she wolf like this?  

I know I do.

After realizing that the wolf was a symbol that was following me around I then had the chance to spend some time with a woman who I really love and admire.  As we talked and caught up it occurred to me that she is truly a she wolf.  She is fiercely providing for and protecting her family during some difficult times.  She might chalk it up to doing what needs to be done to make her marriage and family work but her power to survive what is happening is nothing short of supernatural.  

And she is not the only one.  There are women everywhere whose power is formidable.  Just look at all that we are able to accomplish, all the people we are holding up and all that we are juggling in our daily lives.  We might try to mask how hard it is and try to make it look easy but as Shakira suggests, we need to let that she wolf out so it can breathe.

The amazing thing about great power is that it comes with great responsibility and if we're not careful, we may end up using our wolf power to keep things going that simply aren't working.  Like funneling all our energy and abilities into a difficult marriage or unhealthy family dynamic at the risk of our own physical and mental well being.

But we don't need to do that.  

Yes, we are strong.  Yes, we are devoted.  Yes we are loyal (sometimes to a fault).  

But the truth is that we don't need to use our she wolf power to always make things work out.  To always nourish and protect others.  Sometimes we need to use our power to stop and say enough is enough.  Sometimes we need to be fiercely loyal just to ourselves. Sometimes being strong is to let go because enough is enough.  Sometimes the way we provide is by taking away.  Sometimes we have to say no in order to say yes.  

Just as wolves have territories and boundaries we need to set healthy boundaries for our power and strength.  When we can do that, then that's when we will see how truly powerful lycanthropy is.  It's about doing more than transforming into a wolf; it's about knowing how powerful you are and channeling your power in ways that simultaneously protects others and yourself.

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Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

I began this post quite some time ago after reading Ogre Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine.  I made a few notes about the book but then wasn't able to write about it for a couple of reasons.  I hate to blame the pandemic because I feel like I've been blaming the pandemic for a lot of things lately, but the truth is the pandemic really did shake things up for me.  

Firstly, work suddenly became highly computer based which led to me clocking an insane number of hours sitting in front of the computer.  And as a result I learned that I am not built for a desk job!  After sitting chained to my desk all day the thought of sitting in front of the computer to write this blog was something I simply couldn't stomach.  Secondly, my mind was so ensnared in the worry and anxiety of the pandemic that not only did I read less, but day by day I felt that I had less and less to contribute in terms of meaningful communications and connections between the books I was reading and the world around me.  The world was turned upside down and I didn't recognize the life I was living nor could I even recognize who I had become while living it it.  

I get that we did what we had to do in order to keep ourselves and one another safe but in doing so my world became unrecognizable to me and as a result I became unrecognizable to myself.  Nearly all of the things that inspired me and brought me the greatest joy slowly disappeared and the woman I was so proud to be quietly eroded away.  

The impact social isolation had on me did not hit home until too late into the process. I suspect my focus on fear and anxiety during the pandemic blinded me from that.

As a result my willing letting go of so many things that made me who I am over 2020 and 2021 unwittingly transformed me without my knowledge.  I became someone I quite literally didn't recognize in the mirror and honestly, I had no idea how I got there. 

This idea of transformation is exactly what Levine's Ogre Enchanted is about.  Evie is transformed into an Ogre against her will and she is forced to navigate the world as a hideous monstrous best.  The novel points out that we can exist on two sides and that we need to accept ourselves for who we are.  That we need to not only love ourselves but love others as well regardless of circumstances.

How perfectly timed the insights this book are as I reflect on my not so positive pandemic transformation.  Here I am now reflecting on who I was, who I became and who I want to be.  

The strange thing is that I've been pitting my pre-pandemic self up against the post pandemic self thinking they are two different versions of me.  But the truth is that they are simply two side of the same coin.  

One side is the self confident, passionate, positive and outgoing productive go getter who is surrounded by family, friends, music, culture, and creativity and the other side is the introspective, introverted, self-reflective, self-critical, anxious and self doubting version of me that has grown out of too much social isolation.

I often think that both versions of me can't exist at the same time.  But the truth is that they can and they are just two sides of the same old me.  

At first this freaked me out because this makes we wonder who I really am?  

Can I be more than one thing at the same time?  

I supposed I can!

Just like a diamond, we are all multifaceted.  And that is what makes us beautiful. So if ever you look in the mirror and feel like you're lost or that you don't recognize who you've become, remember that you are just you and that this is just one part of who you really are.  No one thing or version of yourself  can fully define you.

And when the pressure is on and life has got you down remember that diamonds are simply carbon put under pressure.  It's the pressure that brings out the diamond's strength, luster and beauty.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, then girl (or whomever you are), be your own best friend and love yourself and all the parts of you that are brilliant, radiant and beautiful.

What Got You Here, Won't Get You There

Sorry it's been so long my dear readers!  I've been busy reading and searching for the inspiration for my next post but found that it took some time to come to me.  It's be a long journey but thanks to Rebecca Serle's One Italian Summer, I've finally found my muse!

And the inspiration comes from this simple quote: 

"What got you here, won't get you there. The the same set of circumstances, beliefs actions that got you to a moment won't get you to what comes next.  That if you want a different outcome, you have to behave differently. You have to keep evolving."

I just love this idea and I love how timely it is.  You see, I recently participated in my first ever 5k race.  It was on my bucket list of thing to accomplish in my life and boy am I ever glad that I did.  It was so inspiring, empowering and emotional for me.  It impacted me positively both physically and mentally.  To run the 5k was a huge goal I had set for myself and, aside from the aches and pain, bumps and bruises, it was the best decision I have made in a long time.  Going from couching to running was an amazing journey.

And the best part about training for and participating in the 5k was that it interrupted my "here".  I had to do things differently to get to "there".  I had to get up off my ass.  I had to keep up with the scheduled runs and I had to keep evolving my training as I improved.  And the biggest lesson from it all is that even when I doubted myself (and boy did I ever!) and thought I may not make it to the distance I had hoped for (by the way, I most certainly did!), I just kept repeating actions and restating believes that I needed in order to succeed.  

This interruption to my routine certainly got me to where I wanted to go and my goal is to keep travelling the distance so that I can continue to evolve.

I hope that you will also find a way to interrupt your circumstances so that you can get to where you  want to go!  I wish for you to find behaviors that lead to the outcomes you desire.  I encourage you to continue to evolve.  After all, it is survival of the fittest, isn't it?

Visitor at the Door

I have a confession to make.

Although we’re not supposed to have company

Restrictions and all 

I often have a secret visitor.

This is indeed, an uninvited guest.

Not something planned for.

Not something within my control.

Just something that sort of keeps happening

(together yet all alone).

- There - do you hear it?

Just tapping at my door?

It reminds me of the raven knocking.

A joyous black thing entering in uninvited.

I keep saying, “No company!  Please, this is Covid 19!”

But he hears me not.

And I don’t know how to get rid of him.

This company that keeps knocking on my door.

How do I say, “No, sorry I can’t let you in!”

Isn’t that considered rude?

(Wait! Let me put my mask on first!)

Surely I can let him in and he’ll stay just for a while and nothing more.

Or maybe if I keep turning my back and ignoring the gentle tapping 

he’ll turn around and leave on his own accord 

and go bother someone else...

The incessant knocking becomes a heavy fog that settles on my heart.

But at the risk of giving myself away 

the solitude doesn’t last for long.

The overwhelming wave that takes over and clouds my vision hangs heavy like a cloak. 

Surely, surely I can keep him at bay and my head above water.

Maybe if I leave the house and go for a walk, perhaps a little yoga or meditation will help?

Some days are more successful than others. 

Maybe just a short chat at the door and nothing more.

I'll open it it just a crack...but it ends up being more...

No amount of denial, no amount of cheering hold you head up high “we’re getting through this together!” will make it stop

Stop!  

Just listen to me don’t judge and don’t try to fix it for me.

Your advice can’t fix it.

But your care for me can. 

Has he visited you too?

When he’s with me it’s like he takes over my mind and strips me of my words.

My thoughts aren’t healthy and cheerful.

I feel robbed in his presence.

All alone and yet together.

So very alone. 

Robbed of my ability to think, to read, to write and create.

I’m robbed of my drive to do just about everything. 

I’m dragged down by a wet blanket of feel sorry for myself that drips dirty puddles everywhere I go. 

It taints my world as a dark mucky mess.

I don’t want it but I can’t seem to get rid of it.

It keeps tapping.

I need this visitor gone.

I don’t want company during this lockdown - especially not from him.

Gratitude is my only recourse.

It’s the only thing that seems to work like a string of garlic worn around the neck.

I shall rid myself of him one clove at a time.

I don’t need his company.

I don’t want it.

I’d rather just be happy even if things aren’t what they used to be.

I need to be just me again.

No intruder.

No bleakness.

No black creeping in my mind.

I guess I’ll have to bolt the door, draw the curtains, turn out the lights and pretend like nobody is home so that I can feel less alone.

I’ll make a sign for him that says “no visitors allowed”.

But then, 

Then I change my mind.

I open the door wide open and let him in.

Look him square in the eyes.

Stare him down like I was taught as a teen if ever I felt I was in danger.

And there is he his.

Sitting in the waiting room of life, taking up one chair, nothing more.

He holds no actual power over me.

His is a mist that slowly dissipates.

I know he'll be back.

And I know I'll need to make some room again for him to just be.

To accept it is to disempower it.

To let it morph from something that scares me to something that just is.

Like staring up into a dark cloudless sky.

As the darkness takes over I suddenly begin to see a sea of stars gently twinkling in the night.

I begin to see the light in the darkness.

The Author of Future Generations

There are so many stories out there.  And so many of our stories are interconnected and intertwined.  Especially today with the pandemic, a simple visit to the local Home Depot can suddenly create a link between you dozens of other people who were otherwise strangers.

Even though we are all interconnected, how well can we ever truly know someone else's story?  In Lady in the Lake by Laura Lippman, she brilliantly tells the intertwining story of Madeline Schwartz and Cleo Sherwood.  As the book unfolds you come to know more and more about what happened to Cleo.  But by the end of the novel it is unclear as to whether or not we really know the whole story.

This was never more evident than when my dear aunt passed away.  As the family gathered and told our stories it struck me how different our relationships and experiences were with her.  That being said, one common thread was her unwavering generosity, kindness and free spirit.  But how each one of us experienced that was dramatically different.  

As we each eulogized her by sharing our memories, it became clear that her story was highly shaped by the relationship, time and place.  My experiences with her as her second youngest niece was remarkably different than that of her youngest grandchild or one of her sisters.  The story of her life was in fact a set of stories that formed a greater whole.  Whether or not she knew the profound impact she had on each of us and how she will be remembered is unknown to me.  Her final years were taken away from her by dementia and therefore so many words were left unsaid.  So much of her life was left unlived.  So much love was left trapped in a body she no longer had power over.

Not every funeral is a happy or joyful one.  Not everyone shows up with sincere grief over the loved one they have lost.  Believe me, I've participated in some funerals that made me question how I live my life.  But one thing is for sure.  Although she was not perfect, my aunt left her mark on this world and made it a better place in doing so.  Her memory will live on as we pass on her stories, her values and her love. 

She will never know the impact she had on each one of us or for how many generations she will continue to shape our lives.  In fact none of us truly will.  Our stories continue to write themselves even long after the author is no longer able to pen the words.  

So remember that what you do accumulates.  Day by day you write the script of your life that not only create your story, but helps shape a greater narrative in ways you cannot possibly know.  You are the author of future generations. So choose your words wisely.