Think Like the Dying for a Life That's Worth Living

I'm in the process of growing some ideas about my career and where I see my future headed.  The crazy thing is that the more I open my heart, mind and soul to the possibility of doing something that really and truly makes me happy the more I've finding possibilities opening up before me.  

Although I'm not really ready to leave my career, I know that I can't do this forever; one, because I'm due to retire at some point and am simply looking foward to a change, and two, because this field has changed so fundamentally that I don't know if I want to be part of what it's becomming.

That being said, even though change in inevitable and I'm sure to enter a different chapter in my life at some point, I'm seeking ways to start laying the foundation for that future and redirecting my time towards the things that bring me great joy and will nourish my soul.  I don't want to find myself retiring with no idea of what I want to do with myself.

I know teaching has been a calling for me and that ultimately it is the life that I wanted; but if I'm being honest it's also the life that was expected of me based on society and based on my parents' expectations.  They are great parents and wanted me to have a secure job with great benefits and a pension.  That makes sense.  And I really and truly appreciate this part of my reality.  But did it lead me to the job that I really and truly in my heart of hearts wanted?

I dunno.

In Bronnie Ware's The Top Five Regrets of The Dying she shares inspirational life lessons that most people only come to learn on their death beds.  Here they all are in a nutshell:

Live the life YOU want.

Don't work so hard.

Allow yourself to have fun.

Stay in touch with friends.

Do not be afraid to express your true emotions.

So here I am thinking about what my future may hold and how I might be able to build more joy into an education system that has made me deeply, deeply unhappy since the start of the pandemic.  Don't get me wrong, I know that change can be good but the changes that were made were forced upon us and the end result left the classroom a dead husk of what it once was.  We need time to rebuild and reconsider what we're doing and to turn our faces away from screens and back towards one antoher's beautiful faces.

Becuase of where I am in my life and the state of education I'm asking myself if I'm living the life that I want?  Why am I working so hard 18 years into being a teacher (yes I know it's because I care but it's also becuase the system was turned into a shit show).  I'm asking myself, what do I do to really have fun, both in my personal life and while I'm at work.  What do I really and truly emjoy and how can I include that regularly in my life?

With the exception of my first year of teaching, the year the entire curriculum changed (and I changed schools at the same time), the pandemic was, by far one of the most challenging times in my career.  I worked so damn hard and the worst part is that I ended each day having felt like a failure.  This is because we aren't meat to grow up behind a screen.  We don't always learn best from a video or a document or a website.  The pervasive feeling of failure was hard to swallow and lead me to a very dark point in my life.

But since then, I've focused on enjoying life and having fun.  I've focused on reconnecting with old friends (whom, by the way were all so glad to hear from me and to this day contine to chat or meet regularly).  That has been a balm to my soul.  I've always known the importance of friends but I wasn't until I had lost touch with many of them that I realized what I was truly missing.

All of this I was doing without having read Ware's book.  Pretty incredible that I was led down this path through self reflection, meditation, and therapy in my 40s!

My last effort is in regards to beign brave enough to express how I truly feel.  I'm getting better and better at this.  Specifically when it comes to discussing mental health and what I've learned through therapy.  Funny enough I've noticed that my openness to my feelings and experiences can sometimes make peopel quite uncomfortable.  But I've come to learn that this discomfort is short lived and often helps others open up.  By being brave enough to show up emotionally, you'd be surprized how it makes space and inspires other to do the same.

What can you do to live your life to the fullest?  Are you living the life you truly want for yourself?  Do you have enough fun or are you working too much?  Are you connected with your friends?  Are you expressing your emotions and sharing how you truly feel?

Please!  Don't want until it's too late!  Don't end your life looking in the rearview mirror wishing you had done things differently.  Start rethinking your life now and build it so that you can live a joyful, peaceful, and enlightened life NOW! 

The Hydra Reborn

I'm so done with caring more than anyone else in my household about my household.  I already carry the burden of a full time job and on top of that it all the cooking, cleaning, scheduling, running around and managing that makes my home life my second full time job.  This is a common complaint amonst virtually every woman I know.  Like many women, it appears that the household and family are MY responsibility and my spouse is my "helper".  Tell me, does this sound familiar?

"I did the dishes for you honey!"

"What do you want me to clean?"

"Why are you complaining, didn't you notice I took out the garbage?"

If this sounds familiar then my dear I'm afraid you might be suffering from giving too many shits.  Yes, it's true.  So many women like myself care way too much about what's going on in their household and are forced to manage tasks that should be shared with a parter.  Not deligated to a "helper".  

This problem can be so pervasive that it reaches the point of making us sick.  Well, at least it has for me.

I wasn't able to put a name to this common frustration I find myself discussing with so many women.  I wasn't, that is, until I read Jess Zimmerman's Women and Other Monsters.  Great read if you're interested in reading about a reimaging of female figures in mytholoy while reminding us what it means to be a feminist.

Women have been cast as monsters for wanting too much, being too loud, being too large, nagging for what's only fair....

We need to stop working so hard only to be gas lit by a society that relies on women to not only work a day job but to then go home and be the household manager of the evening and NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT IT.  

We've come so far they say, why are you complaining?  You got this girl!  Woman power!  

Well I'm here to say F-that.

I'm telling you, we need to stop caring so much.  Not because we shouldn't care or that we don't actually care, but because we need to make room for other people to do some of the caring too.  The only way that's going to happen is if we make room for other members of the family to step up.  Do you know what that means?  It means things won't be perfect (gasp!) stuff may not get done (yikes!) dinner may not be incredible (oh no!).  But guess what?  At some point it will get done and hopefully, it won't just be you doing it all by yourself!

 I mean, if in the end the houshold knows I'm going to do it, why would anyone else?  

But for me it's more than just that, it's also pointing out to my spouse the language he uses that forces me into the managerial position.  I wish you could see the look on hs face when he asks what's for dinner and I respond with a casual, "I dunno - whatcha making honey?"

Turning language around on my spouse has been fun.  I'm considering how he approachs my managerial role on a regular basis by how he phrases his words and have decided to respond in kind.  Like, about the time when I said, "did you notice I made the bed for you?" to which he looked at me like I had 3 heads (because let's face it, he couldn't give a shit if the bed was made!).

Speaking of heads, I realy liked the reference to the mytholical creature known as the Hydra that Zimmerman makes in her book.  If you recall the Hydra is a monstrous creatue that cannot be beaten as once one of her many heads are cut off, two more grow in its place.  Zimmerman talks about a rebirth of the Hydra not so much as the multiheaded beast as we know it but in terms of the women's collective and femist movement.  Let's not let others cut us down or not give credit for the huge amount of emotional labour that we're often responsible for. 

If and when you hear or see an injustice towards women join me in becoming reborn as a collective monster with multiple heads.  Because together, there isn't anything that we can't conqer!

My Failure at Writing Detour

2022 was a good year for reading.  After a couple of years of not reaching my 50 book goal (thanks stupid pandemic bullshit and your negative effects on my life) this is finally the year that I not only reached 50 but exceeded it. Cue the applause!

Yeah me!

But as for what I wrote about regaring my reading in this here blog....well...*ahem*....I haven't really written much at all.

Now that it's 2023 I'm thinking about if and how I want to get back into the writing.  The bad thing about falling off the wagon is that...well, you fell of the wagon (duh).  But the good thing is that as you get back up again, you are given the chance to stop, look around and ask a few questions.  Where the heck was that wagon headed?  Am I still interested in that destination?  Would it be wiser to take a different route?  Would I rather start all over again?  Is there another way to get there?  How can I reimagine or reinvent what I want to do with myself rather than blindly jumping back on that wagon?

The answer; I'm still not sure.

If you asked me a year ago what I thought about not wrting for most of 2022, I'd say this it's a massive fail.  But now I know that I have an opportunity.  I can change my outlook on this blog, what I'm writing and why.  Yes, I'd still like to chronicle my thinking and reflections on the texts I've read but why?  For whom?  To what end? How often?

So many questions and so few answers. This, I guess, is what life is all about.

2022 was not a fail, just a little detour.  But I'm in the driver's seat so buckle up as I figure out where we're headed.

Dear reader, have you ever been in this same place?  Have you had the chance to fail and get back up stronger rather than meekly walking away with your tail between your legs?  Have you taken failure as a chance to rethink and regroup?  Have you seen it as just a small detour on your road to success?

If you have, AMAZING.  If not, well today is your chance to reset your personal GPS.

So often we think that failing is just that - a fail.  But I'm going to use this as a chance to consider what I really and truly want and in what direction I'd like to go.  

Stay with me on my journey and let's see where we land now that we've taken this little detour known as 2022.

Is it Weird to not Want to be Normal?

Can books really come to life in such a way that we become completely lost in it?  Like, literally lost without the ability to find our way back?  Well if you've read Inkheart by Cornelia Funke you'd know that yes, yes you can.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about books and the role that they play in my life.  I have been thinking about why I have always turned to books as a form of solace, release, rejuvenation, exploration, connection and healing.  In my family, reading was and continues to be the norm but in the greater social circle that I'm part of, I am a bit of a weirdo. 

Imagine this; I’m up at the cottage and while everyone else is up late drinking, partying, playing cards or munching on leftovers while razzing each other, I'm off to bed early with a flashlight in one hand, my handy dandy earplugs and a book in my lap ready to dive right into it and leave the world behind.  

Nerdy?  Yes.  But, totally me?  Absolutely.

And I won't apologize for it.

I now know that part of the reason why books are such a huge part of my life is because, at my deepest core, I am most certainly an introvert (something I learned of course, by reading a book!).  I am an introvert who has become really, really good at passing as an extrovert.  Heck, working in a job that requires me to be extroverted almost the entire day (thank you teaching).  After a day of playing the part and living in a world that won't let me be be quiet and spend time on my own (because in an extroverted world, that's weird) books have been my excuse to exist in my truest form. 

To be alone and quiet in my own thoughts while in conversation with a listener who is doing all the talking is to read a really great book.

I know this might seem weird.  But I'd rather enjoy my weird ness and let the ink on the pages speaks to my heart than be a normal person pretending not to be who they truly are.

p.s. If, my dear readers you are wondering what book I read that helped me come to terms and accept that I am truly an introvert, try reading Susan Cain's Quiet! The Power Of Introverts in a World That Cant's Stop Talking.  It's in my top 10 of biblio-therapeutic books that helped me figure out things in my life.

An Act of Inaction

As the new school year looms around the corner, I'm left facing some difficult questions; will this year be as awful for me as last year?  How can I continue to feel open, happy and joyful even as the stressors of work close in on me?  Who will I be for myself, my colleagues and my future students once I return to the daily grind?

These are some of the worries that I'm harboring lately.  

At first I wanted to look away and not talk about it, think about it, or even acknowledge it's existence.  But I've come to the realization that this serves me no purpose other than to add to my suffering.  The truth is that there are some things in life that pop up and into our hearts, minds or maybe even our souls.  For many of us, our first reaction is to turn away, maybe even to run away, because facing them head on is much too difficult.  But this year I'm making a real effort to face my demons, sit within their presence, and let their power wash over me and then let them dissolve away as I make room for them to just exist.

You see, the problem I have is that I'm a natural born worrier.  Either because it's in my DNA or because it's what I learned to do.  Either way, I tend to think, over think and then think some more.  All this thinking sounds great but when that thinking becomes like a never ending loop of worries and concerns and what-ifs that get me nowhere, then the worrying serves no purpose but to confuse me into thinking that I have some sort of control over things.

This idea of worrying as a form of control came to me while reading "Depression Hates a Moving Target" by Nita Sweeny and it literally stopped me in my tracks.

Aha!  Finally someone was able to make sense of why I (and so many people I know) end up turning to worry on the daily.  In a world that seems to be spinning out of control, worrying gives you something to hold onto.  It's not because we care.  It's not because it'll help us figure things out.  And it's certainly not because it's our job (as moms, as women, or as whatever you identify with).  It's our visceral response as we grapple with the uncertainty of life. 

Thankfully, I've spent a lot of time lately working on my thinking and behaviors and what I've come to learn is that instead of worrying, I need to get off the hamster wheel of overthinking and take action instead.  

The action is simple.  It's actually kind of inaction really.  

It's the idea that you can have difficult thoughts and emotions and all you really need to do is just sit with them.  To just give them some room to breathe and then let them slowly wash away.  It's an act that requires a whole lot of courage but very little action.

Let go.  Let it be.  Do not judge.  Just exist with your thoughts, feelings and emotions in a non-judgmental way.  Find the flow of living a life where you are no longer clawing for some semblance of control.  

Instead, accept that there is no control.  There is no certainty.  There is just the here and now.  It requires no judgement.  Just a little bit of space.

That small act of making space and letting go is all I'll really need to keep floating along the tides of life this year and really, for all my days to come.

I hope you can join me in this task.  Take charge by letting go.  Stop the thoughts and just rest in the soft and comforting truth that this is what it is and that's all.