Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave

How many of you are feeling a little bit of cabin fever right about now?  Feeling a bit like you're trapped at home?  Or, perhaps you're relishing in the safety and solitude of home, afraid to venture into the great wide world?  Either way, we are all spending copious amounts of time at home doing things that we typically never have the time to do.

But the reality is that some of us feel comfortable at home and some of us feel trapped.

These hours on end at home are all because of the fact that we are all so deeply connected in our day to day lives.  We've had to put a full stop on our regular daily habits, social outings, and person to person interactions.  As you already know, it only takes one person infected with Covid-19 to start a chain reaction of infection in a community.  This pandemic has illuminated how interconnected we all are.  It doesn't matter what part of the city, province, country, or world we're from - we're all feeling it and we're all in it together.

As a result, we are aiming to protect ourselves using social distancing.  Not only has this been adopted by so many as a way to flatten the cure of this virus, but it has placed us all in a rather interesting position.  How many of us are spending time alone?  How about those of us who are in the company of others for more hours than we can handle?  For some of us cabin fever might have set in long ago, or perhaps one soggy day of rain is what finally set us off.

All I know is that in the quiet life of staying home everyday, all day, how I spend my time has most definitely shifted.

Many people are finally finding time to read that book that's been sitting on the back burner.  For me, as I read a great deal on a regular basis, that has not been the case.  In actuality, I've taken a bit of a breather from reading.  Part of this is because my mind has been overwhelmed with worry for my family and friends that rather than pick up a book to read, I find myself scanning the latest Covid-19 news instead.  I admit that my mind has been racing.

That being said it's not like I haven't read anything at all.  My latest novel, There There by Tommy Orange, kept me company over the last week.  It's an interconnected story of 12 characters from Native communities who are all making their way to the Big Oakland Powwow.  Truthfully, I have to admit that it was a sad story.  Like so many stories of Indigenous people around the world, the great injustices that they have endured and continue to endure, cast a great shadow in this novel.

But there was something that definitely stood out to me in this book besides how sad I am about what has happened to the Indigenous people.  It was the symbolism of the spider webs that caught my eye and the idea of interconnections.

The quote by Walter Scott, "O, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive!" couldn't be more accurate in this book.  The novel illustrates the destruction that was caused by the lies of colonizers while also reminding us of the lies we tell to comfort and distance ourselves  from the truth.

Jackie Red Feather, one of the main characters in There There, points out that "the spider's web is a home and a trap."  I couldn't agree more during this time of social distancing.  On one hand our homes are keeping us safe during a difficult time and yet, many of us are feeling the pressure of being captive.  Like we are prisoners during this pandemic.

It also got me thinking about how many of our habits become comfortable prisons that we return to time and time again.

How are you occupying yourself now that life has slowed down to a grinding halt?  Are you turning to productive activities that give back to your family, friends and your community, or are you finding ways to comfort yourself each night so that you don't have to feel the anxiety that naturally comes during a pandemic?

Surely drinking multiple shots each night just to get through this is a spider's web, is it not?

What is beckoning you during these difficult times?  Are you finding solace in things that are liberating you from boredom, or are they ensnaring you into a pattern from which you cannot escape?

I ask to you consider what type of tangled web you are weaving for yourself.

To me books are simply amazing tools.  I never would have started thinking about spiders webs if it weren't for this book.  I never would have considered how I am both at home and trapped during this pandemic.  I would have never considered the symbolism of spider webs to make meaning of what's happening right now and how I might shift my perspective as we are all at home keeping to ourselves.

I'd like to leave you with a few quotes about spider webs that you might want to use to reconsider your position in this interconnected web that we are all currently in.  I look forward to hearing your  thoughts in the comments section of this blog.

Silent No More

Lies, gossip, manipulation, deception, infidelity, loss, retaliation, insincerity, abduction, and bitterness.  Interested yet?

Well, I am (and I'm kind of not).

You see, I'm a softy.  I'm not a fan of any media that focus on this type of content.  So, as I read The Family Next Door by Sally Hepworth I found myself in a world that exposed me to this type of content.  As I read, I found myself asking, what is it about this story that draws people in?  I honestly had such trouble getting into it.  The book made me feel downright uncomfortable.

You guys, maybe I'm too much of a lightweight; perhaps I'm a bit of a schmuck.  Maybe I'm just too idealistic to get into this type of book.  Who knows?

What do know is this: when I'm reading a book (especially in light of what I'm trying to achieve here with this blog) I'm looking for some deep kernel of truth.  Some tiny seed buried in the depth of the novel that finds it's way to my heart and soul.  Some tiny (or huge) moment that forces me to reflect.  Something that helps me make meaning of this messy and complicated world that we live in.

Now in this book (at least for me, perhaps it would be different for you) what I found was silence.

No, literally.

Silence was at the core of this book.

Silence which left characters in difficult situations that led them to make some pretty bad choices.

Silence which caused them not to deal with their problems which only caused their problems to simply get worse.

Silence which caused irreparable damage to their relationships.

The deception, lies, and infidelity in this book made me uncomfortable.  I realized early on that I wasn't meshing with the characters.  I didn't like what they had to offer me but I held out and stuck it through and I'm glad I did.

Because I realized that if I didn't finish the book then I wouldn't be blogging about it.  There would be yet again, another moment of silence, this time on my part.

In reading books I often find myself seeking philosophies that validate my personal vision and deep need for positive thinking.  I seek out the vision that the author has to offer and look to align it with my own or determine how it might make me revise my perceptions.  This book didn't exactly do that for me, but it did make me realize something.

Perhaps there is comfort in reading about the nastiness of the world - maybe reading stories about cheating and indiscretion validates your experiences or makes you feel a little less guilty because there is someone out there (fictional or not) doing something worse than you?  In reading books like this you realize that you are not the world's biggest screw up.  There are others out there that have it bad.  You?  You're not so bad in comparison.

But is that what you truly want for your life?

In all honestly I don't consider myself a screw up even though I've screwed up plenty of times.  I know that I've needed to learn when to shut up and when to stand up and speak out.  It's been a journey and as I'm getting older and it's becoming clearer to me now more than ever that my voice is indeed powerful and needed in this world.  

However, the reality is that words are a double edged sword.  They can release and they can imprison.  They can heal and they can hurt.  They can create and they can destroy.

Too often I have walked through life in silence; not speaking up when I needed to.  Not telling others how I truly felt.  I feel truly blessed to be writing this blog because it has allowed me to say so much that would have otherwise gone unsaid and to free so many of my emotions and thoughts that would have otherwise remained trapped within me. 

Even now as we all struggle through the Covid-19 pandemic, I have found it difficult to write.  I have felt like the words are escaping me.  And the quieter I get, the worse I feel.  Getting back into reading and writing for this blog has proven to be rather helpful.

Here's why...

You see, for me reading books has always been a form of therapy.  Call it "bibliotheraphy" if you will.  If I have a problem, I get a book.  If I'm trying to improve some aspect of my life, I get a book.  If I'm having trouble getting along with a certain person, I get a book.  If I'm not wanting to deal with the issues that are going on in the great big world, I get a book.

I know it might seem weird but does anyone feel me?

Honestly, until I started writing about the books I was reading I was totally missing out on half of my therapy session.  Talking about the books is just as therapeutic as reading them.

So for those of you who read some of my more personal posts and wonder how I had the guts to lay out my personal story on the line, I have to tell you that rather than make me feel afraid and trapped, writing about it made me feel free.

Now that I'm writing this blog, the silence is broken and I feel more myself.  To be completely honest, this is a byproduct that I never expected.

By writing in this blog I am breaking the silence.  I am ending areas of conflict in my life, working out solutions to problems that I face, finding ways to cope with people who I find challenging and most importantly, rather than running away and hiding out with a book, I find myself coming to a better understanding of who I am within this crazy world.

I shall keep working through these challenging times as we all struggle to make sense of what will happen next.

I hope that you too will find a way to be heard.  I hope that you will feel and understand the importance of your voice.  I hope that you will acknowledge the double edge sword of words and be brave even if it scares you.

Now is the time to share your voice and be silent no more. 

On the Outside Looking In

Have you ever felt like you’re on the outside looking in?

Alienation is something we've all had to deal with at one point or another.  We’ve all felt the sharp sting of of exclusion.  Of wanting to belong.  Of wanting to fit in.  Of wanting to be wanted.

Sometimes I feel like we’re all kind of on the outside looking in.  Kind of like we’re all just a big bunch of cool kids standing around in a circle facing each other; each one of us in aviator glasses.  You know, the kinds with the mirrored glass that makes it impossible to see what someone’s eyes look like?  All you get is a reflection of yourself whenever you approach someone wearing those glasses.

I literally wear aviator sunglasses quite often.  They’re my go to.  I’m super comfortable in them as my eyes are sensitive to light.  But I’m not comfortable when someone else is wearing them and I cannot look into their eyes.  I don’t like it when all I see is my own image staring back at me in the reflection.

The irony is that I love being hidden behind my glasses, but I'm not so comfortable when others are.

This image of mirrored aviator glasses is exactly what came to my mind when reading Jodi Picoult's book A Spark of Light.

As always, Jodi Picoult never fails to impress me.  I have read a number of her novels and deeply enjoy how she plays with narrative structure and A Spark of Light is no exception.  Even though the subject matter of this novel is highly contentious,  I admire how she manages to play with perspective, point of view, and chronology, gently urging the reader to come to their own conclusions about the subject matter.  What you are left with is a telling story about women, their personal histories, and their difficult choices.

In case you're curious, the contentious subject of this novel is abortion.

Brilliantly, Picoult sets up her novel so that both the characters and the reader are on the outside looking in.  Like, literally looking in.  They are looking in on an emergency situation of a gunman seeking revenge at an abortion clinic.  And as it stated multiple times in the book, the clinic literally has tinted glass that allows them to look out the windows but doesn't allow anyone to look in.

This is where the image of the aviator glasses comes into play.  Like with the tinted lenses of the glasses, the characters can see out to the world, but others cannot to look into what's going on inside the clinic.

Isn't life so often like that?

Is it true that we are always looking out into the world but we can't always see?  We often will simply see a reflection of ourselves, our filters, and our bias instead.

In this novel it's as if Picoult is not only showing you a reflection of yourself and your values, but she also challenges you to see the characters, their histories and their values even if it makes you uncomfortable.  The discomfort can stem from the aspects of yourself that you can identify with as you are given insight into each character.

If we were to allow ourselves to truly and deeply see and understand others, wouldn't it always be like that? Isn’t it always the case that if we allow ourselves to truly and deeply take the time to get to know one another that we would get the chance to see ourselves reflection in them?   To see the humanity in them?

Perhaps we're not always on the outside looking in.  If we are willing to see and be seen by others, if we remove the mirrored glasses, how much more kind and caring could we be to one another?  How much more impact would we have on others in this world?

Let's move from staying on the outside looking in, to looking in and looking out for each other instead.

If Music Be The Words Of Love, Play On

This was shared with me earlier today.  I found it spoke to my heart and soul.  It's a little light for all of us who have felt a little bit too much darkness in the face of the current pandemic.  Enjoy and please feel free to share and comment.

LOCKDOWN 

By: Richard Hendrick

Yes, there is fear.
Yes, there is isolation.
Yes, there is panic buying.
Yes, there is sickness.
Yes, there is even death.

But,

They say that in Wuhan, after so many years of noise
You can hear the birds again.
They say that after just a few weeks of quiet the sky is no longer thick with fumes.
But blue and gray and clear.
They say that in the streets of Assisi people are singing to each other across the empty squares, keeping their windows open so that those who are alone may hear the sounds of family around them.
They say that a hotel in the West of Ireland is offering free meals and delivery to the housebound.
Today a young woman I know is busy spreading fliers with her number throughout the neighborhood so that the elders may haves someone to call on.
Today people are preparing to welcome and shelter the homeless, the sick, the weary.

All over the world, people are slowing down and reflecting.
All over the world people are looking at their neighbors in a new way.
All over the world, people are waking up to a new reality to how big we really are.
To how little control we really have.
To what really matters.
To Love.

So, we remember that yes, there is fear. But there does not have to be hate.
Yes, there is isolation. But there does not have to be loneliness.
Yes, there is panic buying. But there dos not have to be meanness.
Yes, there is sickness. But there does not have to be disease of the soul.
Yes, there is even death. But there can always be a rebirth of love.

Wake to the choices you make as to how to live now.

Today, breathe. 

Listen behind the factory noises of your panic.

The birds are singing again.
The sky is clearing.
Spring is coming.
And we are always encompassed by Love.

Open the windows of your soul and though you may not be able to touch across the empty square, Sing.

Little Miracles

The first time I experienced a miracle was the day I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time.  I was pregnant with my first child.  We hadn't been trying for long and although I knew the test results from the doctor were completely reliable, it wasn't until I heard the heartbeat during my first ultrasound that I truly and deeply felt that the miracle of life had visited me.  It wasn't until then that I truly felt like I had experienced a miracle.

In Debbie Macomber's A Mrs. Miracle Christmas I was reminded about how often life can get in the way of you noticing the miracles around you.  Although I've read a few of Macomber's books and often find them a bit too light and fluffy, there is something about them that I can't help but enjoy.  They are simple stories about kind individuals full of love.  This gives me a certain level of comfort.  It's kind of like when you watch one of those feel good Hallmark Moments Movies.  They're a bit cheesy but so cute, full of joy, hope and love that you just can't help yourself but smile when you watch one.

This book is just like that.  In spite of the main characters' difficulties with an aging grandmother and an inability to conceive, Laurel and Zach are finally able (with the help of a few angels) to feel the grace of God and experience the little miracles that life has to offer.

Now I don't know if you believe in angels, or miracles, or even God, but here's what I know.  When we pause the craziness of life, when we turn the volume down on our thoughts, on our ipods, or on our TVs, when we slow down and stop in the here and now, we stand a chance to feel, hear and see the glory and awesomeness that surrounds us.

Now, given the current need for social distancing thanks to COVID-19, I'm sure you'll be able to find an opportunity to try this little miraculous exercise.

The next time you are standing outside during a cloudless night sky, just look up into to the vast darkness for a few moments.  As your body slows down and your eyes begin to adjust, you'll begin to notice the stars sparkling in they sky.  With each passing moment more and more stars will become visible as your eyes adjust to the darkness.  Then suddenly, you'll be staring into the cosmos and you'll begin to understand just how amazing the universe is.

As you keep staring into the dark cloudless sky you'll inevitably begin to see more and more light.  The stars will begin to show themselves to you.

Now that's a miracle.

Even when it comes to the onslaught of daily news regarding the pandemic, there are glimmers of goodness out there.  Of caremongers looking to help others during these difficult times.  Just check out this article if you've not heard of this movement before: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2020/03/24/canada-an-inspiring-movement-emerges-response-coronavirus/


My dear readers, when you take a moment to stare into the darkness, whether it is in the sky or perhaps the darkness of some aspect of your past or present, only to see great light, then you know that there is something special happening.  That there is some type of greater force out there.

Take the time today as the world slows down to stop this virus to look deep into the dark.  It's only in the darkness that we can see the light.  And you have light within that can illuminate this world.

Do that, and you too can experience a little miracle.