A Reading Des(s)ert

So this summer has been a bit of a reading desert for me.  I certainly didn't read nearly as much as I usually do.  It's not as bad as I initially thought; now that I've added my summer titles it appears like a decent amount but it's certainly nowhere close to my norm.  

Why, you ask? I can think of a few reasons that lead to this outcome:

One, I tried to finish off reading a couple of books that I wasn't loving.  I really, really, really tried to get through them and I was hating it.  I kept putting them down and putting it off.  This was not a joyful way to read and made me feel stagnant and it stopped me from devouring book after book.

Two, I got deep into a podcast that took up a lot of my time.  It was exactly what I needed this summer and I'm so glad I did it.  But, rather than pick up a book or plug into my audio book, I pressed play for my podcast.  Although it took me away from my reading goal it was #worthit.

Three, I felt like reading might have been a bit of an avoidance tactic.  Rather than deal with the shit that I needed to deal with, rather than look inwardly, rather than sit in silence, I was filling my life with somone else's words.  When I came to this realization, I decided I needed a bit of mental silence.  I needed to hear my own thoughts and just be with me for a while.

But then again, being the reader that I am, I recently picked up a random book and started at it again and I'm feeling a nice balance between the voices in my head and the silence within.  Although I may not reach my 50 books for 2023 because of it but I'm ok with that.  I'm feeling calm.  I'm feeling in tune.  I'm ok either way.  And as simple as this radical acceptance sounds, this is certainly not how I've managed my life in the past.

Typically, I'm so hard on myself and demand not just "trying my best" but "being the best".  It wasn't helping me; it was crippling me. I know you're out there too calling yourself a "perfectionist" but honesly, calling yourself a perfectionist is just a way of covering up feelings of insecurity.  I'm not being harsh; I'm saying it as I've realized it about myself and I'm learning to just deal with it and love myself more.  You can too!

Be gracious.  Be gentle.  Be loving. Be you in all your imperfections.

It's ok!

As for my reading desert it's kind of led me to a summer of self love and calmness.  It's been a buffet of just being, of turning inward in order to open up.  It's been a sweet time for me to be there for me.  We're just finishing off this long weekend of September and it's the first time that I have truly, fully and intentionally enjoyed just being home in my own company.  I'm enjoying my staycation by simply being present in my life, with my family and spending quality time with myself.  It's been good.  Really, really good.

Ending the summer with a few good books has been a great last course to this summer buffet of self love.  I hope you can find a sweet ending to your summer too.

Think Like the Dying for a Life That's Worth Living

I'm in the process of growing some ideas about my career and where I see my future headed.  The crazy thing is that the more I open my heart, mind and soul to the possibility of doing something that really and truly makes me happy the more I've finding possibilities opening up before me.  

Although I'm not really ready to leave my career, I know that I can't do this forever; one, because I'm due to retire at some point and am simply looking foward to a change, and two, because this field has changed so fundamentally that I don't know if I want to be part of what it's becomming.

That being said, even though change in inevitable and I'm sure to enter a different chapter in my life at some point, I'm seeking ways to start laying the foundation for that future and redirecting my time towards the things that bring me great joy and will nourish my soul.  I don't want to find myself retiring with no idea of what I want to do with myself.

I know teaching has been a calling for me and that ultimately it is the life that I wanted; but if I'm being honest it's also the life that was expected of me based on society and based on my parents' expectations.  They are great parents and wanted me to have a secure job with great benefits and a pension.  That makes sense.  And I really and truly appreciate this part of my reality.  But did it lead me to the job that I really and truly in my heart of hearts wanted?

I dunno.

In Bronnie Ware's The Top Five Regrets of The Dying she shares inspirational life lessons that most people only come to learn on their death beds.  Here they all are in a nutshell:

Live the life YOU want.

Don't work so hard.

Allow yourself to have fun.

Stay in touch with friends.

Do not be afraid to express your true emotions.

So here I am thinking about what my future may hold and how I might be able to build more joy into an education system that has made me deeply, deeply unhappy since the start of the pandemic.  Don't get me wrong, I know that change can be good but the changes that were made were forced upon us and the end result left the classroom a dead husk of what it once was.  We need time to rebuild and reconsider what we're doing and to turn our faces away from screens and back towards one antoher's beautiful faces.

Becuase of where I am in my life and the state of education I'm asking myself if I'm living the life that I want?  Why am I working so hard 18 years into being a teacher (yes I know it's because I care but it's also becuase the system was turned into a shit show).  I'm asking myself, what do I do to really have fun, both in my personal life and while I'm at work.  What do I really and truly emjoy and how can I include that regularly in my life?

With the exception of my first year of teaching, the year the entire curriculum changed (and I changed schools at the same time), the pandemic was, by far one of the most challenging times in my career.  I worked so damn hard and the worst part is that I ended each day having felt like a failure.  This is because we aren't meat to grow up behind a screen.  We don't always learn best from a video or a document or a website.  The pervasive feeling of failure was hard to swallow and lead me to a very dark point in my life.

But since then, I've focused on enjoying life and having fun.  I've focused on reconnecting with old friends (whom, by the way were all so glad to hear from me and to this day contine to chat or meet regularly).  That has been a balm to my soul.  I've always known the importance of friends but I wasn't until I had lost touch with many of them that I realized what I was truly missing.

All of this I was doing without having read Ware's book.  Pretty incredible that I was led down this path through self reflection, meditation, and therapy in my 40s!

My last effort is in regards to beign brave enough to express how I truly feel.  I'm getting better and better at this.  Specifically when it comes to discussing mental health and what I've learned through therapy.  Funny enough I've noticed that my openness to my feelings and experiences can sometimes make peopel quite uncomfortable.  But I've come to learn that this discomfort is short lived and often helps others open up.  By being brave enough to show up emotionally, you'd be surprized how it makes space and inspires other to do the same.

What can you do to live your life to the fullest?  Are you living the life you truly want for yourself?  Do you have enough fun or are you working too much?  Are you connected with your friends?  Are you expressing your emotions and sharing how you truly feel?

Please!  Don't want until it's too late!  Don't end your life looking in the rearview mirror wishing you had done things differently.  Start rethinking your life now and build it so that you can live a joyful, peaceful, and enlightened life NOW!