Lycanthropy

The wolf has been visiting me in various forms this past week.  For one, I'm currently slightly obsessed with Shakira's song She Wolf.  It's become part of my regular rotation as I prepare for my 5k run (a personal goal I have had for a long time now that is finally coming to fruition!) and it has inspired me to find the wolf within and keep running to reach my goal.  I found myself singing She Wolf under my breath all weekend.  Sometimes this small musical obsession felt great and sometimes it felt like a nagging feeling that I just couldn't shake.  

It got me thinking that perhaps there's something out there that this song is trying to tell me?

But then while I was reading The Break by Katherena Vermette, the wolf visited me again for a second time and it got me thinking about what this call of the wolf could mean.  In the novel, when Cheryl discusses some of the art she is working on, she describes how she has depicted the women in her life as wolves.  At first I didn't see the connection between the women and wolves as I envision wolves as a masculine symbol; a lone hunter stalking its prey in the dark. To me the wolf is something scary.  Something to protect myself and my family from.  

But further investigation reveals that it "represents loyalty, strong family ties, good communication, education, understanding, and intelligence.  Of all land animals, the Wolf has the strongest supernatural powers and is the most accomplished hunter.  The Wolf is a very social and communicative creature, he uses body movement, touch and sound." (Spirits of the West Coast Art Gallery)

Wait a sec!  This is nothing like what I initially envisioned a wolf to be like.  

And hold on, I have to ask: are we describing a wolf here, or is this a description of a kick-ass woman?

The truth is that so many women are devoted to their family and friends.  We are deeply loyal, finding a way to get dinner on the table while juggling ten thousand small tasks and making sure homework gets done on the side.  We communicate with the slightest sigh, a mere glace or a full on lecture on the birds and the bees; our body and voice work in sync to protect and provide for the pack.  We are making it all happen without making it look hard. 

Do you know a she wolf like this?  

I know I do.

After realizing that the wolf was a symbol that was following me around I then had the chance to spend some time with a woman who I really love and admire.  As we talked and caught up it occurred to me that she is truly a she wolf.  She is fiercely providing for and protecting her family during some difficult times.  She might chalk it up to doing what needs to be done to make her marriage and family work but her power to survive what is happening is nothing short of supernatural.  

And she is not the only one.  There are women everywhere whose power is formidable.  Just look at all that we are able to accomplish, all the people we are holding up and all that we are juggling in our daily lives.  We might try to mask how hard it is and try to make it look easy but as Shakira suggests, we need to let that she wolf out so it can breathe.

The amazing thing about great power is that it comes with great responsibility and if we're not careful, we may end up using our wolf power to keep things going that simply aren't working.  Like funneling all our energy and abilities into a difficult marriage or unhealthy family dynamic at the risk of our own physical and mental well being.

But we don't need to do that.  

Yes, we are strong.  Yes, we are devoted.  Yes we are loyal (sometimes to a fault).  

But the truth is that we don't need to use our she wolf power to always make things work out.  To always nourish and protect others.  Sometimes we need to use our power to stop and say enough is enough.  Sometimes we need to be fiercely loyal just to ourselves. Sometimes being strong is to let go because enough is enough.  Sometimes the way we provide is by taking away.  Sometimes we have to say no in order to say yes.  

Just as wolves have territories and boundaries we need to set healthy boundaries for our power and strength.  When we can do that, then that's when we will see how truly powerful lycanthropy is.  It's about doing more than transforming into a wolf; it's about knowing how powerful you are and channeling your power in ways that simultaneously protects others and yourself.

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Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

I began this post quite some time ago after reading Ogre Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine.  I made a few notes about the book but then wasn't able to write about it for a couple of reasons.  I hate to blame the pandemic because I feel like I've been blaming the pandemic for a lot of things lately, but the truth is the pandemic really did shake things up for me.  

Firstly, work suddenly became highly computer based which led to me clocking an insane number of hours sitting in front of the computer.  And as a result I learned that I am not built for a desk job!  After sitting chained to my desk all day the thought of sitting in front of the computer to write this blog was something I simply couldn't stomach.  Secondly, my mind was so ensnared in the worry and anxiety of the pandemic that not only did I read less, but day by day I felt that I had less and less to contribute in terms of meaningful communications and connections between the books I was reading and the world around me.  The world was turned upside down and I didn't recognize the life I was living nor could I even recognize who I had become while living it it.  

I get that we did what we had to do in order to keep ourselves and one another safe but in doing so my world became unrecognizable to me and as a result I became unrecognizable to myself.  Nearly all of the things that inspired me and brought me the greatest joy slowly disappeared and the woman I was so proud to be quietly eroded away.  

The impact social isolation had on me did not hit home until too late into the process. I suspect my focus on fear and anxiety during the pandemic blinded me from that.

As a result my willing letting go of so many things that made me who I am over 2020 and 2021 unwittingly transformed me without my knowledge.  I became someone I quite literally didn't recognize in the mirror and honestly, I had no idea how I got there. 

This idea of transformation is exactly what Levine's Ogre Enchanted is about.  Evie is transformed into an Ogre against her will and she is forced to navigate the world as a hideous monstrous best.  The novel points out that we can exist on two sides and that we need to accept ourselves for who we are.  That we need to not only love ourselves but love others as well regardless of circumstances.

How perfectly timed the insights this book are as I reflect on my not so positive pandemic transformation.  Here I am now reflecting on who I was, who I became and who I want to be.  

The strange thing is that I've been pitting my pre-pandemic self up against the post pandemic self thinking they are two different versions of me.  But the truth is that they are simply two side of the same coin.  

One side is the self confident, passionate, positive and outgoing productive go getter who is surrounded by family, friends, music, culture, and creativity and the other side is the introspective, introverted, self-reflective, self-critical, anxious and self doubting version of me that has grown out of too much social isolation.

I often think that both versions of me can't exist at the same time.  But the truth is that they can and they are just two sides of the same old me.  

At first this freaked me out because this makes we wonder who I really am?  

Can I be more than one thing at the same time?  

I supposed I can!

Just like a diamond, we are all multifaceted.  And that is what makes us beautiful. So if ever you look in the mirror and feel like you're lost or that you don't recognize who you've become, remember that you are just you and that this is just one part of who you really are.  No one thing or version of yourself  can fully define you.

And when the pressure is on and life has got you down remember that diamonds are simply carbon put under pressure.  It's the pressure that brings out the diamond's strength, luster and beauty.

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, then girl (or whomever you are), be your own best friend and love yourself and all the parts of you that are brilliant, radiant and beautiful.