Summer of Love

This has been a summer of romance.  Not literal and perhaps not even literary if you consider the trashy books I've been reading of late.  But written well or not, it's romance nonetheless.  

I've roamed the streets of Europe in love with life, beauty and being in the moment.  Transported myself to times when I was only responsible for myself.  I've explored passions deeper than what real life has to offer by traveling through someone else's narrative book after spicy book.

All this time to revel in romance has given me time to think about myself.  Who am I really?  

Reflecting on Tessa Bailey's "Secretly Yours" and Pablo Neruda's poetry, I have spent time questioning my true self, the impact of societal expectations, and the choices made in silence.

Can one live a fulfilling life without expressing deep, sincere feelings?

The novel prompts thoughts on adult responsibilities distracting from meaningful pursuits, and the uncertainty of expectations versus reality. Fate, unpredictable, sometimes brings unexpected gifts, challenging our planned narratives.

In the solitude of travel (both literal and literary) I have grown a new ability to sit in silence in search of self-awareness. I wonder if this silence is a sign of contentment or overwhelm? Bailey's passage citing the, "Chivalrous hero that lived rent-free in her memory," resonates, as does the notion of life unfolding differently from expectations.

Pablo Neruda's sonnet XVII raises questions about living authentically, and I ponder the consequences of not listening to one's inner voice.

Life's unpredictability is encapsulated in the idea that fate keeps its own schedule, sometimes surprising us with unexpected presents.

What is yet to come?

Where will I travel next?

Who will join me on this journey?

I'm not as invisible as the world would have me think I am.

I still have lots of life to live and many summers of love ahead of me.

45+20+2+1 = Infinite Potential

I've learned (perhaps a little too late in life) that making myself small extinguishes my greatness.  I need space to shine.  I need fresh air to breathe and a sunny blue sky to cleanse my soul.  I need space where I can fully embody all that my amazing body and mind has to offer.  

Don't get me wrong.  

I am not full of myself.  

I am not egotistical.  

I am not narcissistic.  

But I AM AMAZING.  

Why?  Because one day I decided to be. 

And now, each and every day I make a conscious decision, a concerted effort if you will, to be my best self.  To connect every aspect of my life with my values.  To live a life that brings me joy, feels meaningful, and makes an impact.  I make self care a daily activity and I place myself where I want to be.  The result? That I radiate the infinite potential that is within me.  

Don't get me wrong.  This task is not always easy.  It is a daily choice. It sometimes feels like real work.  And there are days when I can lose sight of it.  Especially when life throws me a curveball, it can momentarily steer me off course.  But I persevere unapologetically. 

Be skeptical if you want. Or even suspicious.

But I will not apologize for being self confident.  For building a life that I love and am proud of.  I will not apologize for finding meaningful work in what I do.  For having energy to keep going while making an impact.  I will not apologize for prioritizing my mental and physical health.  For continually seeking to be the best version of myself each and every day.  

For all this hard work has paid off.  

I take good care of myself so that I can take good care of others.

So that I can be a great teacher, mentor, mother, sister and friend.

This means that in my many roles in life and in my many responsibilities, I have made space to build others up.  To help others shine.  I have a positivity that gives others hope.  I have creativity that breathes life into the work that I do and the people I collaborate with.  I have joy radiating from inside of me.  I can encourage and inspire others because my cup is full.

But like any living thing I need space to shine.  I need new ways to evolve. Room to grow.  New lands to explore.  New places in this great big world to feed my soul.  I cannot and will not be contained.  

This is why I'm here.  This is why I'm seeking the opportunity to place myself where I want to be.

So when I condense my 45 years on this planet and 20 years of teaching experience into a mere two pages for a resume and a one page cover letter, I can’t help but feel diminished.

When tasked with condensing my intentions and potential impact, earned over years of excelling in a job I love, into a mere few pages, I’m left feeling unsatisfied, unheard, and unseen.

How do I fit all of me into such a small space?

Well the answer is, I don't.

So take a good look at me.  I'm so much bigger and better than what can be captured with just a few words.  My joy, creativity and zest for life cannot be contained on those pages.  My experiences, impact and expertise cannot be fully captured.  My fit in your world may not be so clear.

But here I am anyway.  Still using words to convey who I truly am.  Words that are only a mere whisper of what I'm fully capable of. 

If you ask me in passing, "how are you?" I will invariably respond, "I am amazing!"  Which is why I'm glad you're here.  I'm glad you took the time to explore who I really am and to dare to know me more.

Take me along with you on your journey and I will flourish.  And in doing so, my light will shine on others, giving everyone room to grow and flourish too.  

Too Much of Not Enough

 You have loved me since before I even existed

You have nurtured me with all of your heart

And provided for me in every way that you knew how

You saw yourself reflected in the bright blue of our eyes

The rosiness of our matching cheeks

I am a reflection of you in a frosted mirror

I hide under the cape of your care and the security of your embrace

Yet I feel unseen and misunderstood

I exist as a whirl of emotions that sometimes feels like too much

My ways are not fitting inside your box of logic and reason

My creativity roars and longs for an outlet 

I live in the shadow of your dreams 

The misunderstood black sheep of the family 

Carving my own path being my only sin 

I have spent countless times wondering if I’m good enough 

Not seeing my own value and unique abilities

I have spent years trying to measure up 

The imaginary meter stick illuding me at every turn 

Trying to achieve the thing that will make me acceptable

Trying to fit into that box of the ordinary

Rather than allow myself to be extraordinary

But I don’t blame you because you are who you are 

We all have our limits

We all have our own worldview

We all have our own twisted history

But from my perspective 

I’ve experienced a lifetime of being dearly loved

But only in parts

Only the bits and pieces that make sense to you

For me to be able to move on, I need to acknowledge our truth

To see you and I exactly as we are

Fully and finally letting go of what I never actually had

Before I am forced to let you go forever as I know that I eventually will

That day will forever come sooner than I want

I have had to mourn the loss of the relationship I wish we had

The one where I could go to you to say any thing

Do anything

Be anything 

Believe me when I say that I have tried to curate what we could be for so many years 

only to face the stubborn wall that has keept us apart

I am simultaneously exactly who you’d like me to be 

And everything you can’t understand

I will always feel like not enough and yet too much

I will always be your daughter

And you will always be the mother that I love in all the wrong ways

My Resolution to Flourish

I begin 2024 with a deep sense of pride. I am proud of what I have accomplished in the past year and how far I've come since I began making myself a priority. Too often, we start a new year with a resolution (a tradition that I loathe). What are New Year's Resolutions anyway? Just a collective self-deception that things will change just by wishing it to be so.

As I look back on some of the posts in this blog, I realize that, while they are not perfect, I see myself reflected in each one. I see my mindset, the deep changes I've undergone, some intense and sincere thoughts, emotions, and reflections. But most of all, I see my resolution to live life fully every day and to create for myself a life full of musings that inspire me to share with you (my dearest reader).

I don't feel awkward or ashamed to say I'm proud. And if I'm being 100% honest, I see my value for what feels like the first time ever. Mind you, I don't see it in every single aspect of my life, but I do see it in my intentional turning inwards, in my resolution to prioritize myself and my values. By doing so, I have opened up, and I can see and feel that I am flourishing.

What a great word. Flourishing.

What better word to describe exactly what I am feeling and how I am doing.

Don't get me wrong. It isn't a passive act. It is an ongoing intentional choice that requires dedication and resolve. I am prioritizing myself. I am examining my life, actions, behaviors, and words, determining if they are yielding the life that I want to live. It's hard work every day. Sometimes it's exhausting, but by doing so, I'm shedding some long-held seeds of self-doubt and finding that I am indeed flourishing!

I owe so much of this to some simple changes that I have made, to changing my perspective, to switching up how I spend my time, to prioritizing my health, to paying attention to what I put in my body, to curating with whom I spend my time, and to setting time for me to be in my own company.

If you're looking to do this too, be warned that it is hard work. You must be ready for it and willing to show up every day. There is no room for half-hearted attempts here, my friend.

You must carefully craft each aspect of your life so that it reflects who you truly are. If you find a problem, a void, or a contradiction, no one is going to change it for you. YOU are your best agent for change. YOU are capable of anything to make your life one that you feel fulfilled by and proud of. YOU have all the strength and ability to create whatever it is you desire. YOU just have to start doing whatever needs to be done by starting with one small step at a time.

Make that phone call.

Send that text.

Take that course.

Throw away that thing which no longer serves you.

Set aside time to do that right now.

Don't wait one more minute.

Don't wait for that fateful "one day" that will never come. Stop doubting yourself. Turn inwards to find who you truly are, what you truly love and value, and make your days reflect those many wonderful things that make you exactly who you were meant to be. Make this your resolution. Resolve to be steadfast to yourself, and undoubtedly you too will flourish.

A Reading Des(s)ert

So this summer has been a bit of a reading desert for me.  I certainly didn't read nearly as much as I usually do.  It's not as bad as I initially thought; now that I've added my summer titles it appears like a decent amount but it's certainly nowhere close to my norm.  

Why, you ask? I can think of a few reasons that lead to this outcome:

One, I tried to finish off reading a couple of books that I wasn't loving.  I really, really, really tried to get through them and I was hating it.  I kept putting them down and putting it off.  This was not a joyful way to read and made me feel stagnant and it stopped me from devouring book after book.

Two, I got deep into a podcast that took up a lot of my time.  It was exactly what I needed this summer and I'm so glad I did it.  But, rather than pick up a book or plug into my audio book, I pressed play for my podcast.  Although it took me away from my reading goal it was #worthit.

Three, I felt like reading might have been a bit of an avoidance tactic.  Rather than deal with the shit that I needed to deal with, rather than look inwardly, rather than sit in silence, I was filling my life with somone else's words.  When I came to this realization, I decided I needed a bit of mental silence.  I needed to hear my own thoughts and just be with me for a while.

But then again, being the reader that I am, I recently picked up a random book and started at it again and I'm feeling a nice balance between the voices in my head and the silence within.  Although I may not reach my 50 books for 2023 because of it but I'm ok with that.  I'm feeling calm.  I'm feeling in tune.  I'm ok either way.  And as simple as this radical acceptance sounds, this is certainly not how I've managed my life in the past.

Typically, I'm so hard on myself and demand not just "trying my best" but "being the best".  It wasn't helping me; it was crippling me. I know you're out there too calling yourself a "perfectionist" but honesly, calling yourself a perfectionist is just a way of covering up feelings of insecurity.  I'm not being harsh; I'm saying it as I've realized it about myself and I'm learning to just deal with it and love myself more.  You can too!

Be gracious.  Be gentle.  Be loving. Be you in all your imperfections.

It's ok!

As for my reading desert it's kind of led me to a summer of self love and calmness.  It's been a buffet of just being, of turning inward in order to open up.  It's been a sweet time for me to be there for me.  We're just finishing off this long weekend of September and it's the first time that I have truly, fully and intentionally enjoyed just being home in my own company.  I'm enjoying my staycation by simply being present in my life, with my family and spending quality time with myself.  It's been good.  Really, really good.

Ending the summer with a few good books has been a great last course to this summer buffet of self love.  I hope you can find a sweet ending to your summer too.