Visitor at the Door

I have a confession to make.

Although we’re not supposed to have company

Restrictions and all 

I often have a secret visitor.

This is indeed, an uninvited guest.

Not something planned for.

Not something within my control.

Just something that sort of keeps happening

(together yet all alone).

- There - do you hear it?

Just tapping at my door?

It reminds me of the raven knocking.

A joyous black thing entering in uninvited.

I keep saying, “No company!  Please, this is Covid 19!”

But he hears me not.

And I don’t know how to get rid of him.

This company that keeps knocking on my door.

How do I say, “No, sorry I can’t let you in!”

Isn’t that considered rude?

(Wait! Let me put my mask on first!)

Surely I can let him in and he’ll stay just for a while and nothing more.

Or maybe if I keep turning my back and ignoring the gentle tapping 

he’ll turn around and leave on his own accord 

and go bother someone else...

The incessant knocking becomes a heavy fog that settles on my heart.

But at the risk of giving myself away 

the solitude doesn’t last for long.

The overwhelming wave that takes over and clouds my vision hangs heavy like a cloak. 

Surely, surely I can keep him at bay and my head above water.

Maybe if I leave the house and go for a walk, perhaps a little yoga or meditation will help?

Some days are more successful than others. 

Maybe just a short chat at the door and nothing more.

I'll open it it just a crack...but it ends up being more...

No amount of denial, no amount of cheering hold you head up high “we’re getting through this together!” will make it stop

Stop!  

Just listen to me don’t judge and don’t try to fix it for me.

Your advice can’t fix it.

But your care for me can. 

Has he visited you too?

When he’s with me it’s like he takes over my mind and strips me of my words.

My thoughts aren’t healthy and cheerful.

I feel robbed in his presence.

All alone and yet together.

So very alone. 

Robbed of my ability to think, to read, to write and create.

I’m robbed of my drive to do just about everything. 

I’m dragged down by a wet blanket of feel sorry for myself that drips dirty puddles everywhere I go. 

It taints my world as a dark mucky mess.

I don’t want it but I can’t seem to get rid of it.

It keeps tapping.

I need this visitor gone.

I don’t want company during this lockdown - especially not from him.

Gratitude is my only recourse.

It’s the only thing that seems to work like a string of garlic worn around the neck.

I shall rid myself of him one clove at a time.

I don’t need his company.

I don’t want it.

I’d rather just be happy even if things aren’t what they used to be.

I need to be just me again.

No intruder.

No bleakness.

No black creeping in my mind.

I guess I’ll have to bolt the door, draw the curtains, turn out the lights and pretend like nobody is home so that I can feel less alone.

I’ll make a sign for him that says “no visitors allowed”.

But then, 

Then I change my mind.

I open the door wide open and let him in.

Look him square in the eyes.

Stare him down like I was taught as a teen if ever I felt I was in danger.

And there is he his.

Sitting in the waiting room of life, taking up one chair, nothing more.

He holds no actual power over me.

His is a mist that slowly dissipates.

I know he'll be back.

And I know I'll need to make some room again for him to just be.

To accept it is to disempower it.

To let it morph from something that scares me to something that just is.

Like staring up into a dark cloudless sky.

As the darkness takes over I suddenly begin to see a sea of stars gently twinkling in the night.

I begin to see the light in the darkness.

The Author of Future Generations

There are so many stories out there.  And so many of our stories are interconnected and intertwined.  Especially today with the pandemic, a simple visit to the local Home Depot can suddenly create a link between you dozens of other people who were otherwise strangers.

Even though we are all interconnected, how well can we ever truly know someone else's story?  In Lady in the Lake by Laura Lippman, she brilliantly tells the intertwining story of Madeline Schwartz and Cleo Sherwood.  As the book unfolds you come to know more and more about what happened to Cleo.  But by the end of the novel it is unclear as to whether or not we really know the whole story.

This was never more evident than when my dear aunt passed away.  As the family gathered and told our stories it struck me how different our relationships and experiences were with her.  That being said, one common thread was her unwavering generosity, kindness and free spirit.  But how each one of us experienced that was dramatically different.  

As we each eulogized her by sharing our memories, it became clear that her story was highly shaped by the relationship, time and place.  My experiences with her as her second youngest niece was remarkably different than that of her youngest grandchild or one of her sisters.  The story of her life was in fact a set of stories that formed a greater whole.  Whether or not she knew the profound impact she had on each of us and how she will be remembered is unknown to me.  Her final years were taken away from her by dementia and therefore so many words were left unsaid.  So much of her life was left unlived.  So much love was left trapped in a body she no longer had power over.

Not every funeral is a happy or joyful one.  Not everyone shows up with sincere grief over the loved one they have lost.  Believe me, I've participated in some funerals that made me question how I live my life.  But one thing is for sure.  Although she was not perfect, my aunt left her mark on this world and made it a better place in doing so.  Her memory will live on as we pass on her stories, her values and her love. 

She will never know the impact she had on each one of us or for how many generations she will continue to shape our lives.  In fact none of us truly will.  Our stories continue to write themselves even long after the author is no longer able to pen the words.  

So remember that what you do accumulates.  Day by day you write the script of your life that not only create your story, but helps shape a greater narrative in ways you cannot possibly know.  You are the author of future generations. So choose your words wisely.

Lonely Planet

We all travel this world sometimes thinking that we are on this journey alone.  But all it takes is a quick glance left and right to see that we are not alone.  We are all on the same journey taking different interconnecting paths in life.

As much as it can seem that we journey alone, we are most certainly in it together.

Our lives, although different are inherently similar.  We vary in terms of the direction, the distance, the circumstances, the interruptions and the motivations behind what we do.  Yet at the core of it, we share the same common human truths.  This is evident in Jason Reynolds' Look Both Ways.  In this novel, regardless of any of the circumstances each character finds themselves in, this interconnectedness is undeniable.

We are all like the kids in this novel; walking home from school uniquely individual yet fundamentally the same. 

We may feel like we are on this journey of life on our own.  But we are all travelling together carrying our own baggage, trying to get somewhere, hopeful about what's to come but not knowing what the future may hold.  

Yet no matter where our paths may lead, we will all eventually reach the same unavoidable end destination.  We are all on a journey that will end one day.  

Does that scare you?  Or does that make our time here on this earth that much more precious?

As the days pass, you might wonder what's the point?  You might catch yourself mindlessly passing judgment on fellow travelers.  But do you know their story?  Have you considered their history?  Have you any idea what mark they have left on the world?

If you haven't, then it's time to stop and look both ways.  

As we journey through life together, before we reach our shared final destination, look both ways and get to know those travelers standing next to you.  You may find that the this planet is not such a lonely place after all.

Look both ways and you will see that you do not walk alone.  We are all in this together.

It Is When A Woman Is At Her Weakest That She Shows How Truly Strong She Is

I recently heard the phrase, “It is when a woman is at her weakest that we see how truly strong she is” from one of my favorite shows Call the Midwife.  When Nurse Robinson speaks these words, something resonated in me.  Think about it.  How many women, since the dawn of humanity, have cried out in pain, “I can't do it!” only to then bear down and produce a tiny miracle? 

In Call the Midwife, I’m often struck by how often the women show up for one another, provide unconditional love and support, and expect nothing in return.  In this show the idea that no woman will labor alone is quite moving and makes me wonder; do we still show up for each other in our time of need like these midwives did back then? 

The truth is that I don’t have to go to a tv show to see how truly amazing women are and to know how well supported I am.  This week I bore witness to the strength of a woman as she sat in front of me feeling weak and hopeless.  There was no way to fix her problem, only time and space to share some love and encouragement, and to remind her of how truly strong she is.

Everywhere I look I see evidence of how truly strong women are.  One doesn’t have to look far to see it.  Whether in life, on screen or on the page, women have and will always find strength even during their weakest moments.  In fact, we have to!  Because let’s face it, if we didn’t, we’d run into some serious problems in ensuring the continuation of the human race!

If you need more convincing just take a look at Alice Hoffman’s The World that We Knew.  This isn’t just a book about the holocaust.  It’s a book about womanly strength.  Of how women dig deep to find the “wolf within”.  

Life can be complicated and the way can seem unclear.  There are so many times when we have to bear down so that we can make it through just one more day.  But it’s also resplendent with beauty and joy.  With unimaginable generosity and goodness.  With compassion and grace.  Sometimes it is easy to see and sometimes it’s hidden like a rose in a bush of thorns.

The World that We Knew shows us that there is a certain magic deep within a woman that can be accessed in times of need.  And indeed, there is magic in finding beauty where there is suffering.  Of finding hope in the midst of despair.  Of finding strength in a time of weakness. 

When I think about about all the times I’ve needed a hand, or offered mine to hold someone up when they felt like they were falling, the magic was there.  It wasn’t some kind of voodoo magic that is unexplainable.  Rather, it’s a kind of quiet powerful magic that keeps women going even in the toughest of times and it’s a simple four letter word.

Love.

Love gives us strength when we feel we are at our weakest.

Love makes incredibly difficult times more manageable.

Love gives us a strength that is beyond measure.

Love is what gives us the strength to live on.

Love is makes you and me real.

So if you ever doubt if you have what it takes my dear reader, if you've ever wondered what is the point or what is my purpose in this world, the answer is simple.  In whatever way shape or form it comes in, love is the answer.

And if you feel you haven’t got what it takes to do this, you haven't got the strength to carry on, or you can't see the way forward as you navigate this crazy world with all its unknowns, know that at this exact moment, you are strong enough to bear down and change the world; to breathe life into the darkness because you are strong even when you feel weak.

Because my dear, you are loved.

Scratch the Itch

It feels weird to say that I've been reading a lot about Buddhism lately and expanding my spiritual philosophy.  Having been raised Catholic it almost feels sacrilegious to admit it.  But the the truth is, there is room for both, and in fact, there is one author whose work has felt like it was personally meant for me.  As such I'm now on the third book by Pema Chödrön who is an American Buddhist nun and a renowned meditation master.

In both When Things Fall Apart and in Taking the Leap I've explored some of my own patterns, habits and metaphysical places that I tend to inhabit.  I've taken a good look at my storyline.  My ego and my shenpa.

Here's where I'm at right now.  

I've learned that I (like everyone) have a set of patterns and behaviors that I turn to when things are difficult, uncomfortable, or even scary.  Some of these patterns are healthy (like exercise, reading, writing, reaching out to friends and family) while others are not.  But the not so good habits are the ones that come too easily.  They are the unconscious automatic habits I turn to without thinking.  

Why is getting out to the gym so much harder than pouring yourself a drink?

I've learned that the habits and responses that quickly help us run and hide from our discomfort only make things worse.  It's not often that we are encouraged to challenge those habits and instead sit in our discomfort to give it and us some space to breathe.  

I've come to realize that doing those easy and automatic things that help relieve the itch of difficult times is like scratching away at a poison ivy rash.  The immediate sense of relieve is glorious and all encompassing.  But Chödrön explains, "We don't know yet that when we scratch, the poison ivy spreads.  Pretty soon we're scratching all over our body and rather than finding relief, we find that our discomfort is escalating."

I'm working on staying with the itch.  I'm making space for the times when anxiety starts to take over.  

I'm finding peace with the thoughts of "Is this enough? Am I enough?”

I am regularly and actively moving away from trying to seek relief using methods that only exacerbate the problem.

I am comforted by the reality that relapses happen; the ebb and flow of life is the only certainty in this widely uncertain world.  Chödrön points out the fact that we don't always have smooth sailing allows us to appreciate what we have when we have it.  

What would day be without night?  Summer without winter?  Happiness without sadness? 

When things fall apart we can recognize that we are not alone.  That we are all part of a greater community.  That we are all standing in the changing tides of life.  This allows us to connect with others' experiences and feel empathy for them when they get hooked by the snares of life.

What is your story?  What snags you? What itches do you scratch without thinking?

My dear reader, our storyline of who we think we are fuels what we are attached to, what hooks us and what emotionally hijacks us.  This strong tide has an undertow that can sweep us so far away from shore that we can quickly loose sight of who we are and where we want to be.  And just like there is inherent danger in being swept away by the tide and being caught in the undertow, our unconscious and automatic habits have some very real consequences.

So when you are feeling the tide begin to rise, just start with taking a few deep breaths and acknowledge what it is that you are attached to.  Pause and make space for whatever you are feeling.  Give it some room to sit next to you.  As you do you'll find that the discomfort quiets down in no time.  

That's when you'll know it's time to relax and move on.

Matthew 7:7

Have you ever felt like you don't belong in the world that you're living in?  Have you felt like things, at times, are completely out of your control?  Does your mind take you places where you'd rather not to go? Are you hoping to "one day" feel a sense of control?

Well my dear reader as this blog suggests, "one day" is today.

There have been plenty of times in my life when I have found myself feeling lost.  Lost in the fast pace.  Lost in the demands.  Lost in the responsibilities.  Lost in the self imposed need to be productive and to achieve.  My racing thoughts and worries have a way of luring me into the labyrinth of my mind.  The truth is when I get caught up in this lost feeling I find it hard to find my way out.  Especially if it feels like I'm doing it all alone.

If this idea is speaking to you then you might want to read OCDaniel by Wesley King.  This book was a sweet portrayal of what it's like to face an internal battle alone.  It was cute, quirky and eye opening.  

Here's what I can say about this book; if you are struggling, if you fee like you are all alone, if you think that this world is a battle field that is yours alone to fight against, you need to know that it's not.  There are people out there who love you.  There is help out there in many forms.  Even if you don't think that others could possibly understand who you are or what you're going through, we are all in this together.

Even if the clouds have been heavy and thick, even if it feels like you can't remember the last time you saw the light of day, begin by just looking up. The sky is never only just cloudy.  The darkness always passes and the sun and blue sky is certain to return.  

Open your heart to this certainty of change.  Instead of silently turning inward, look up towards the sky and be reminded that the winds of change are ever present even within your own heart.  

In OCDaniel the main character Daniel finds solace in creative writing, in reading about what he's going through and by finally opening up and confiding in others.  I can't help but laugh because although I don't have OCD, when times are tough I do exactly what Daniel does.  

What ways do you cope with what's going on in your life?  Are they healthy strategies or are you silently turning inward and letting yourself feel all alone?  

Once you reach out for help you'll be shocked to know how many hand are waiting at the ready.

The Journey is the Destination

Although I haven't written for a while I have kept reading...this is good news.  I fear however that I have read everything but understood nothing.  So, here I am trying to take my time to get back to the understanding behind my reading.

I wanted to share a quote from Pema Chödrön's book When Things Fall Apart: 

"Now is the only time.  How we relate to it creates the future.  In other words, if we're going to be more cheerful in the future, it's because of our aspiration and exertion to be cheerful in the present.  What we do accumulates; the future is the result of what we do right now" (emphasis added).

This is profound to me.  I know I've heard this advice before but perhaps I just needed to hear it again, or said in this way, or at this precise moment.  Or perhaps all three.

Today I'm am working on my tomorrow.  The journey is the destination.

What is your journey?  What 5 words describe where you want to be 1 day, 1 month, 1 year, 1 decade from now?